DM not acknowledging she did have a disabled DC

[Carebearsonmybed]

I'm autistic. Adult diagnosis. DM aware.

In a recent conversation she was discussing how hard it must be for Mums with disabled children, in reference to her seeing a Mum with an adult child in a wheelchair in a shop.

She said she couldn't have coped with a disabled child and how hard it must be when they need lifelong care.

Afterwards it dawned on me that she hasn't accepted my diagnosis and doesn't recognise my autism as a disability.

I did have obvious additional needs as a child which were unmet both at home and in school. These needs have continued into adulthood. I am on the highest care component of PIP and have a full time carer.

We have always had a difficult relationship. I believe she is also autistic and have told her this but she did not accept it.

I've grown to not expect anything positive from her but this comment has really stung.

AIBU that if you have an autistic child you are a mum of a disabled child?

There are things that need to be done at short notice and I'm one of the few with the skills who can do them, another is a male autistic colleague.

I don't have many choices when finding work.

I don’t earn a lot!

Roles can be adapted. And accommodations can be made.

Some roles can’t be done from home, granted, but roles can be adapted.

My response wasn’t really about work though. More about learning to manage life in a way that works with our neurology rather than against it.

My job is hands on and not office based.

I must admit I thought it unusual that she had children due to the level of care she requires.

One of my clients was a young woman born with Spina Bifida - a full time wheelchair user with significant and complex disability/care needs. Her DH was her main carer with much input from her parents. She had two children and managed really well with the family support system they had in place. Reminded me of the phrase ‘it takes a village’. It still surprises me when people assume that disability and parenthood are somehow incompatible.

It wasn't meant to sound like that, and I apologise if I have offended anyone

I don't think the OP has a "village", just a partner, so it must be quite difficult for them all.

I don’t think you were offensive at all - l think my point of view is probably coloured by the work l did as an outreach worker for the disabled, as l was used to seeing those with quite high levels of care needs successfully parenting with the right support.