Desperately need help changing family dynamic so all focus isn't always on DS

[bouncingboundless]

We are a family of 4 which consists of me, DH, DD (6) and DS (5). DS is currently going through the assessment process for asd. He is a very bright, funny and polite little boy but he struggles with being away from me at all. He's fine when he's in school etc but school holidays are always the worst as he struggles with the change of routine. He also struggles with sensory issues like loud noises etc but this also means he wants to be touching me at all times. He can have massive outbursts/meltdowns when things don't go the way he wants.

So the main issues at the moment are: he won't sit next to anyone else on the sofa except me, which means my DD is often left feeling sad as she wants to sometimes sit next to me too.

He won't sleep in his own bed he wants to sleep with me, he's just been prescribed melatonin due to massive meltdowns at night and this is actually helping a bit and we've managed to get him in to his own bed a few nights. Again my DD is always saying how unfair it is that he gets to sleep in my bed.

If we go out he wants to hold my hand the whole time, if he can't for any reason then he will hold on to my clothing. He won't walk anywhere if he can't hold on to me.

One of the biggest issues is that because he is so clingy to me he won't go near DH. He can often say hurtful things like he doesn't like daddy etc, which I do pull him up on every time and explain it's not nice etc. This means he won't let DH get him dressed, put his suncream on, take him anywhere without me etc. DH now really struggles to bond with him because he's just always being told he doesn't love him.

I love him to bits but it's becoming exhausting as sometimes I just need 5 minutes without somebody clinging on to me, he even follows me in to the bathroom etc.

I'm also massively aware that my poor Dd is suffering because of this too. She is a very shy, anxious girl and she really needs me too. I try to make time to take her out on days on just me and her but these are rare because of DS.

Before anybody says I've bought this on myself please trust me that I have tried being super strict with him, I've tried putting boundaries in place. We've tried timers and sticker charts and everything else we can think of. I just don't know what else we can do to make things a more even dynamic for the whole family.

My godson has ASD and was exactly the same, what they now do is have a routine for summer holidays as he couldn’t cope with the unknown. They have essentially a timetable for the day just like a school day where each segment of the day is assigned to something and so he knows what he is going to do and when, scheduling in time each day that is for his sibling etc.

He also was like this with his dad and essentially it was repetition, and dad actively trying to steer conversation “I know you want mum to do this, I love mum too, why don’t we talk about what we love about her while I do xyz”, or “mum is great isn’t she, but can she do xxx (an activity only he does with him that is fun, for my godson this is pretending to be dinosaurs)” to distract and build a bond back.

That sounds tough for all of you. I would suggest asking MN to move this to the SEN board as you will get a lot of responses from people who know very little about Autism. Most of the advice will be well-meaning, but will probably not work for you.

As another parent of a asd child the best thing you can do is manage your sons environment. Create consistent routines in the holidays so he can adapt. Find ways to support him - routine charts. Find the things that soothe him don't restrict them unless you feel it's hindering, when you do restrict do it in a consistent way. So he has the same things happening every day. Don't ask more of him than he's capable. Don't punish meltdowns, he can't control them.

If you can get his anxiety levels down he may start to relax a little more on somethings making family life a little easier. But ultimately you have to accept your child has a disability, you're not pandering to him you are supporting him. He's not doing it deliberately

You’ll be helping everyone including DS aid you crack this!

You need a restructure. Sit on the sofa in the middle so DD’s needs are met there, or have DD on your lap.

Do games that encourage everyone to touch everyone- musical chairs, swapping laps, so it’s a game more than a rejection or an instruction. Drawing on each others backs and guessing what it is. everyone in a line looking at someone’s back. Person at the back draws a shape. Person who feels the shape draws it on the next one. Person at the front goes to the back and does it and see whether they get it right. The touch version of Chinese whispers. Chinese whispers is also good.

All those old fashioned games we used to play- finger rhymes etc- really had value!

Don’t approach it as a task, just get everyone used to things as part of a game, so they then use those skills when they need them.
DH must join in.

With regards to your dd try to tag team so she gets quality time with both of you and away from her brother.

With the settee specifically there's a couple things you can try -

Sit on floor
Have dd sit close and let him get close to her being near and try to work up to it. Also try to distract him

Also is there any Sen clubs you can try to give you some respite on holidays

Get this moved to sn, the advice will be better. You are going to have to try and put some things in place to help. Some of what your ds is asking for is simply not ok. Your poor Dh. And poor dd. She needs love and 1-2-1 attention too. It's very hard on siblings having a very dominant ASD and or/adhd brother. I feel very sorry for your dd. Things must be put in place to facilitate her needs aswell. Without dd and Dh there is no family for ds to be part of!