Appropriate level of celebration?

[Saoirse96]

I submitted my masters thesis yesterday. My husband didn't get me anything, plan anything, and just said well done and that was it. I've not had a life for the past 6 months. Throughout this I've consistently done majority housework and worked two jobs over 5-7 days a week. It's felt like such a slog.

For all of his special achievements and occasions I bake, host and organise surprise parties, get meaningful gifts, decorate with balloons and banners, plan entertainment, you name it.

I feel so deflated. Is it just onto the next grind and move on? Am I being bratty? I'm not able to attend graduation so I won't get a celebration there. I wonder if I'm just being an ingrate and maybe I'm just tired.

I admit, it would not have occurred to me to celebrate the submission, I didn't celebrate until I got the result (and I also couldn't go to the graduation). Though he should do something to celebrate when you do get the result.

Sorry I agree with PP. Whilst it is amazing the celebration is surely when you ‘pass’. It might be rubbish. That’s how we have celebrated in our family.

I honestly just don’t think men are thoughtful like that and generally don’t reciprocate those types of things, I’d give up celebrating his stuff.

Congratulations though… try and do something for yourself you enjoy to celebrate

Sending huge congratulations op! Be proud of all you have achieved! Because as a stranger I am seriously impressed!

Congratulations, @Saoirse96 - I think submission day should be celebrated bigtime, and you're not unreasonable to expect your DH to be thrilled and relieved for you and your household that you've crossed that line!! My DH completed a PhD last year after two Viva attempts - after the unsuccessful first one he needed a lot of TLC and encouragement to get going again. But I was very proud of him on both submission dates, went out to dinner, adult DCs sent cards, etc. Because you don't know what's head but you've still done a fantastic job getting it submitted after a long hard road. So celebrate with friends, you deserve it!!

Congratulations, well done you!!!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, it would’ve been nice for him to make a fuss of you. Try and just focus on your week away visiting your girlfriend in August, and hope he thinks a little more about how to celebrate you when you get your result.

There is definitely something in what you say, but at the same time I can't help thinking why the heck can't he?

He's seen her celebrate things for others. He's seen the care she puts into it and also seen how much everyone enjoys it. He doesn't have to be a mastermind for him to realise that she also deserves this.

I agree she's doing it for them because she enjoys it too, its a way of showing her love probably, but it is dispiriting to be the one who always makes an effort and then have no effort made for yourself when it's your turn. It's thoughtless and lazy. How does he think these things happen, by magic?

This is exactly the kind of thing we see on MN post-Mother's Day. Women who do all the caring for others who are celebrating and the DH doesn't get them anything at all, nothing from the children either. It's so sad because kids love all that. They love giving family members cake and balloons, it lifts the spirits of everyone there.

Another poster said OP should do less for him, which I also half agree with, but if she does that he's then imposed his shitty restrictions on the whole family and everyone then tones down celebrating... and why? Life is often a struggle. Why can't the good times be celebrated? It's just mean and miserly. What's the cost of a bit of cake, a clink of glasses and a "Well Done"? The cost of completely ignoring the person who cares for everyone else's successes and anniversaries? Hurt feelings and a build up of resentment.

It's time OP tells him to wake up and get his act together. I know it's not the same if you have to ask OP, but its better than years of being disappointed at the lack of a bit of a hooray when it's your turn every now and then.

Congratulations! What a splendid achievement - I hope you get a chance to kick back and relax after all this hard work.

A toast to you and your hard work 🥂

Just to add OP.. I'd plan your own graduation celebration, just as if you were doing it for a friend... balloons, cake etc... and make a big fuss with your friends. Cut him a BIG slice of cake.

I definitely didn’t expect anything when I submitted my MSc thesis. The relief I felt was enough reward 😀

Well done on submitting!

On the point of celebrating - I didn't really do much when I submitted my PhD thesis or after my viva, though I did celebrate after the actual graduation.

(It's a no to balloons from me though, for any celebration, because they're ridiculously bad for the environment).

Not bratty. You deserve champagne

Not everybody actually enjoys that much fuss over all their achievements, though. I would hate to have had balloons and parties for things that I worked on for myself, not for show or for ‘glory’, like graduations or job offers, etc. They are the reward in themselves and I would have hated being the centre of attention and would have preferred a Well Done card - perhaps her husband is the same but knows she likes doing the party thing so puts up with it to please her? However, I agree that he ought to then think that she does like it and try and give her some of the same celebration-style back, at least sometimes.

To be honest, I’d be more upset about the fact that he didn’t recognise that she’d worked so hard and that he hadn’t taken on more of the load in the house so that she could achieve it without such stress (two jobs!?), as that means more than balloons and cakes and champagne. That’s what my husband would have done (and then I probably would have been the one saying ‘Let’s go out for dinner and celebrate that we’ve made it through!’ and to thank him for his support!)

What’s important here is that he isn’t meeting her needs and she needs to have a conversation with him about that.