AIBU to think his behaviour was disrespectful?

[endangeredmum]

Hello,
I left an emotionally abusive relationship in January but we have children and so we need to stay friendly. He works abroad for around 9 months of the year so it's been fairly easy for me to detach, however, this last weekend I reached out to him to join me and the children at a local festival that I go to with my Mum and Dad and brother every year. He said he would come for the Friday and the Saturday and so we got him a discounted ticket.

My Mum lives opposite the festival and so offered to put him up and made sure he had everything he needed for a comfrotable stay. He had all the beer he could want, all the food he could want, a lovely clean and laundered room to stay in with the children and of course we made him feel welcome.

On the Saturday night, My Mum and Dad offered to take the kids home so we could roam around the festival - as friends of course. We watched a bit of music and then I started to get really tired as I look after the children on my own - he doesn't read to them, doesn't do bath time, doesn't take them anywhere...he will stay in bed whilst I get up with them so I didn't want to be too tired when they got up the next morning.

The festival is a bout a mile walk from the house in the dark and as he had other friends at the festival, I said to him 'why don't you stay, I will be fine' to which he kept replying 'nah, I will walk you home as it's not safe and you never know what's going to happen etc. etc.' He kept up this narrative until suddenly, he spotted a young girl he knew (maybe 15 years our junior) and lunged over to greet her. He told her my name but didn't tell me how they knew each other. She said she was there alone. He then continued to stand with her and talk and when there was a lull in the conversation, he didn't say 'well it's nice to see you, I had better get the mother of my children home safely' he waited...and waited until I got the hint and finally said 'oh, don't worry, I will walk myself home' to which he replied 'OK! If you're sure'

It isn't the worst thing he has ever done to me (he pushed me once when I was holding my newborn and also came home at 7am high on pills and cocaine just after I had had our first child) but it hurt DEEPLY.

Am I being a narcissist here by needing to control his reactions to seeing other women? I am so, SO confused. I don't know which way is up and wonder if I am crazy to feel disrespected. I sobbed all the way home.

Bless you OP

Trying to be the bigger person & you've just had it thrown back in your face

At least you know what you're dealing with now. He's a horrible, selfish individual. No more family days out.

I think you’re blurring lines. You are both single, he’s allowed to chat to or date other women, and you were fine to walk home alone.

were yoh jealous?

Keeping things amicable doesn't mean going to festivals together, it means not having a slanging match every time you talk/meet to hand over the kids.

Keep your social lives separate

Your mum probably thought you wanted to get back together with him, before she knew about the abuse. That's why she was rolling out the red carpet.
Amicable means being polite on pick up and drop off of kids, not paying for his festival ticket and beer.
He's not worth your time and effort

Why are you doing this with your ex?
Putting him up?
Making him comfortable
Not expecting him to do any looking after his children?

Hes an ex
Hand the kids over for him to look after on his time. End of.
Don't socialise
Don't put him up
Don't buy him tickets for events
Don't let him disregard you when another woman comes along

This!!

He was EA to you. He won't change.

You can co-parent in a better way that creates boundaries OP.
Do not go to events together.
Do not let him stay in the same house as you
Contact should be a handover
You do not need to be friends.

This.

It's gross that your parents engineered leaving the two of you alone at the festival, too. Are they hoping the relationship with an abuser is rekindled?!

Put your children not yourself first, it needs to be said time and time again rinse and repeat

Oh god don’t see this man again. Stop this quest for friendship and let him go. You want him to be your knight in shining armour but he has already told you who
he is ….believe him!

Do you have feeling for him?
You can co parent without him being with you.
Wow your parents have gone beyond to make it easy for him.
Sometimes it is better to think of him as a business partner than a friend, I was advised.

I left the relationship because I thought I was awful. I thought I could be better and so wanted to do a good thing for him by inviting him.

There is nothing wrong with you he is the abuser and has made you feel you are the problem. I am glad you confided in your mum and I think you need to start distancing yourself from him. I would advise that you seek support and therapy to process what has happened because his abuse is still having a negative impact on your own confidence and self worth. He isn't ever going to change but you need to try and recover from the abusive marriage you were in.

You left the relationship, you don't need to socialise with him! You need to be on friendly terms for the kids but that doesn't mean being friends. Live your own life and let him live his. Keep in touch to arrange parenting, access, practical arrangements for the kids.

The situation sounds strange - your parents putting him up and treating him like he’s still your partner??? Leaving the 2 of you alone to enjoy the festival whilst they take the kids home ( when supposedly the whole point is for him to spend time with the kids) , and you getting upset that he’s flirting with another girl…
it sounds like you still have feelings /hope for something there, which is fine, but be honest with yourself and try and avoid this sort of setting until you are over it

He is an abuser who has done a total number on you.

The only communication you need to have is regarding your children. He is not your friend. He is a vile piece of work. In fact your children would probably be better off if he was allowed to drift out of their lives.

Stop trying to be nice to this absolute arsehole.

but you are not together, so ..........

I dont get what you are complaining about. You are not together, he saw a girl he wanted to talk to, what would you do if you had been with a "friend" in that situation? You would have backed off and given them space, which is what you should have done, straight away

I think it is quite disrespectful to playing the "I'm soooo tired because I am the mother of your children" card like this. Disrespectful to the children. And I also don't understand why your parents house is so close when talking about how lucky he is to be staying there, and yet a mile away, when you have to walk home alone.

Get a bus or an uber?

If he walks you home, then he has to walk back to the festival on his own, after, and he is more likely to be attacked than you are

No idea why you went to all the trouble of offering him to come to the festival/stay at your mum’s. You do not need, as a pp said, to be friends with your abuser, not even for the sake of the dc. Don’t be a doormat and don’t give anything extra.

You weren't the problem in your relationship but you're causing yourself issues now, stop playing happy families, no more group events with the ex

I voted yabu simply because you need to protect yourself from him.
Stay well away, be civil, and let him do his own work in maintaining a relationship with the children.

edited for spelling

I'm so glad you've felt able to talk to your Mum OP - the more people who are able to support you in real life the better! X

He is a vile abusive creep.
Stop being nice to him.
Stop accommodating him.

You need to look after yourself and your children.
Forget this sleazy waster.

This
”It’s not better for the children” to be a doormat

There’s ones thing being amicable with an ex and there’s another inviting them to family days out etc.

Youre confusing everyone involved. Being amicable means being polite in front of the children and being able to communicate about them without friction etc.