Convinced my dh is cheating and/or lying to me

[Obsessedhelp]

Just as the title says. I cannot stop obsessing about him lying to me, phone went off, he ignored it, put phone in his pocket and when he walked down the road I saw him on his phone. Now I think he ignored it because he was hiding something until he was alone.

This is after I found flirty messages from work colleague and him reciprocating somewhat.
He swears their not friends but the messages show otherwise. It’s all deny deny every time I ask something.

Is it normal to take weeks to process and keep asking questions?
I can’t shake the gut feeling he’s hiding something. Either more to it than he says or still going on.

I am crippled with overthinking.
Any wise words please.

I am suffering very low mood, was made redundant recently and I am peri so all could be a factor.

if you have experience of anxiety is it possible to mistake anxiety for this gut feeling, people say not to ignore.

So did he let you read these messages between him and his colleague OP?

He is your DH: he shouldn't be sending flirty messages to a colleague. And if his colleague is sending him flirty messages he should be shutting her down - telling her it's not appropriate because he is a married man.

Apart from the messages and the behaviour with his phone is there other stuff going on with his behaviour that is causing concern? Although tbh he has crossed a boundary just by engaging in these messages with her.

Thanks for your reply.
Yes he let me read them.
He is my dh yes.
Totally agree not shutting the messages down is a betrayal to me. I asked him to assert his right to ask her to stop messaging me like that. When he read my messages I asked to see his again but he deleted everything.
which is why I’m in bits. I think he’s just got careful. Or it’s nothing. And I am wrong.

When your marriage got to the point where you have to read each-other’s messages to prove innocence, it is irrelevant whether someone has cheated or not. The relationship like that is not viable

So you read the messages between them and you asked him to shut her down. Then he read your messages. But when you asked to see his again he had deleted the ones between him and her. Have I got that right because I'm not quite sure if I'm understanding properly what you said.

Deleting the messages is not a good sign. I don't think it's nothing.

How long has he worked with this woman? Have you met her?

He read mine because I read his. Tit for tat. It’s so pathetic and I feel ridiculous typing about reading each others messages.
You are right, it’s not viable as it is. Is it possible to recover from this. I do not know. I thought so but still paranoid thinking I’m seeing red flag all over, at least one a day. My dm reckons it’s my peri mind overthinking 🙄.

Yes this is right.
worked together on and off 3 years. Messages went back to last year. It’s hurts bc he kept this from me. He wants good boy status for letting me read messages. Like see… I’ve nothing to hide

If you have actually seen the messages and they were flirty that is not you over thinking. That is inappropriate behaviour for a married man.

So you said in your OP that he told you they weren't even friends. That must be untrue: they have been working together for 3 years and messaging each other for over a year. So they are friends at the very least. So he is lying to you.

Him deleting messages is neither here nor there. You’d already seen them so clearly there is nothing new you’ll gain from looking at them again.
Also, what kind of flirty?
I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. To be honest, I’d never ask to see the messages anyway. One thing my mum told me at an early age is checking people’s pockets (there were no mobile phones back then) is like wearing their knickers and if one sets out to find something, they most certainly will whether it is there or not.

Yes exactly … he’s down playing. Most messages were work but not all. He told her person stuff like friends do.

Ok please help me adopt your mindset when you get a feeling something isn’t adding up.
I mean, flirty like her telling him how great he is over and over, she likes working with
(insert his type) of man. Meet me for a hug, he saying he likes being called xx that she calls him. Nothing overt but many many things just too close to the line for my comfort.
But mainly that he laps it up.

Honestly, I don’t know how to help you to adopt my mindset because I wouldn’t have put myself in the situation by reading the messages. Downplaying it could be easily explained - imagine you have a partner who latched onto something (big or small, doesn’t matter) and continues to bring it up weeks later. The chances of them getting upset are pretty high. Would you 1. Tell them - OK, this is a woman who flirts with me and I find it appealing or 2. This is nothing, please don’t worry about it. Rightly or wrongly, most of us would probably go for option 2.
This doesn’t mean there is anything more to it than a middle aged man being flattered by attention from someone else. I am guessing, if there was an affair, the messages would reveal something much more personal.
Or are you objecting to him having female friends as well?
Even if there is something going on, obsession over it is not going to achieve anything. You can either decide you want to save the relationship and move on or to leave. But looking at every thing he does as a red flag and a source of further upset is likely not helpful to you or to him or to your relationship.
You asked him a question, he gave you the answer. His answer is not likely to change so you need to decide whether you are accepting the answer or getting a divorce.

@Catza well you are very sensible thanks. When I need consoling I’ll read again.
So it’s just woo talk when people say gut instinct then?
Whilst I can see sense and truth in what you’re saying I also think that checking your sense of reality is also valid.

You may be right, and I hope for OP's sake you are, that there is nothing in this apart from him being flattered.
But if that's the case why conceal the fact, for over a year, that he exchanges messages with this woman? Why the secrecy? Why say to her they aren t even friends when they obviously are? Why does he not want to answer a call infront of OP.? Why delete the messages? Why ask to look at OP's messages - one of the deflecting tactics of a cheater?
And above all : even if him enjoying the flattery is all it is he is a married man and encouraging another woman to flatter him is at the very least disrespectful to OP.
Even if it isn't an affair it is disloyalty and his response when challenged by OP has not been honest.

I’m not disputing any of that, but I am saying that OP is in a very bad place and mulling over this is not going to make her feel better. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether he cheated or not. What matters is what OP wants to do next.

Why lie? Because he enjoys it and knows OP wouldn't approve amd wanted to do it anyway with the least hassle. Men hate hassle so they lie. Give the minimum viable answer.

As PP said, it only matters if it was flirting or cheating if OP has a line in the sand about one but not the other.

This is true.

OP, you're unlikely to ever know the truth. Not the whole truth anyway.

So your choice is to end the marriage or move on from this.

And moving on means accepting his version of events without ever having proof and without ruminating, without bringing it up and without being constantly suspicious.

@GreyCarpet And everyone else who commented.
thanks I appreciate your comments. I want to move on but can’t. My gut won’t listen to my head.

I’m so sorry that happened @Tiredhungry
that is exactly what is stopping me put in the past.

Don't make any rash decisions either way.

Listen to both your head and your gut.

But I'm always mindful of the fact my head is tryijg to be sensible - it talks about being rational, shared finances, time spent together and the future.

Your gut feeling is informed by your subconscious. It's your subconscious job to keep you safe and protect you. Gut feelings are really just your subconscious saying, "Hang on a minute. Somethings not right here. I need to keep you safe."

I'm not prone to thinking people are lying to me or wish me ill. But, on the few occasions my gut feeling has been telling me someone is, it's been right. My head has known it too but my head has other priorities.