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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help in relationship

25 replies

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 09:52

Hi advice please

I’m in a relationship, I’m just going to list the things an I just want some help or advice that I’m not over exaggerating..

He doesn’t drive I take him to a from work, asked him to get a taxi from work the other day day as I had something to do, an he was fuming even tho we planned it the night before, saying how bad his day is an I’ve left him, but also then moans if I have to pick my kids up as they can catch the bus!

He’s get angry breaks stuff slams doors

If I don’t show attention he gets pissy I have a very complex life due to my illness and teenagers that are hard work atm and im
Dealing with a lot of professions so I’m drained,

He didn’t have an easy life an girlfriends cheated

I didn’t either watched my mum abused I went into an abuse relationship had child left him 12 years ago..

He’s moved in somehow I’ve been wihh th him a year, he pays bare minimal, when we have days out I’m usually paying as he never had any money but yet has a full time job.. an I should.m treat my man.

If I don’t have intercourse every couple of days he thinks I’m going off him. He keeps asking me to do stuff I’m not comfortable with.. and then cause me boring..

I’m very rarly aload to see my friends or drink with them as apparently going out drinking when your nearly 40 shouldn’t happen when your in a relationship!!

If I express my feelings he shuts me down an wants to leave,

I went back to work for the first time and he finished it with me that morning then was ringing an ringing me asking why I wasn’t answering then turned up after work in a piss an wouldn’t speak to me!

He bangs and crashes round the house if I don’t do something he’s asked or haven’t paid attention!

He does tell him I’m beautiful and can be loving but as soon as my attention isn’t on him.. I don’t love him or I’m not thinking of him!

I get nervous asking to go out, when I do I’m only allowed to wear certain things! An have to keep in touch when he goes out which is rare as he has no friends really he doesn’t reply for hours!

My illness apparently isn’t a dignosed illness anyone can have it I have fibro aniexty and depression..

When I’ve left before he’s turned up banging on the door kicks off..

I feel like I'm going mad and that is is what relationships are supposed to be an maybe it's me

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2024 09:56

Nope to all of that

Dump him

WindyAnna · 30/07/2024 09:56

This is not how relationships are meant to be at all. He is not showing any love or care for you by treating you like this. The only sensible advice is to finish it. You said you left him before and he turned up angry and physical - if he does it again call the police, have people you know and trust come and be with you. It sounds horrible, you deserve better

ActualChips · 30/07/2024 09:57

You're in another abusive relationship, and your kids will be damaged by it. Boot the scum out of your property. Call the police when he gets violent when moving out.

cupcaske123 · 30/07/2024 09:58

You're in an abusive relationship. He's trying to coerce you into sex you don't want and he's acting in an intimidating manner, banging and crashing, to get his own way. Telling you what to wear and making you keep in contact is controlling, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to go out or to wear what you want.

You need to end the relationship. Can you contact your local domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about leaving safely. If he gets threatening or aggressive then call the police. There are legal ways of keeping him away such as a non molestation order or occupation order you can ask the domestic abuse organisation about that.

pinkyredrose · 30/07/2024 10:00

He’s moved in somehow Well he can somehow move out. He's very abusive and i feel sorry for your kids.

Why didn't you ask him to leave when he decided to move in? You do have authority over your own house you know, time to use it .

pinkyredrose · 30/07/2024 10:01

I get nervous asking to go out, when I do I’m only allowed to wear certain things!

This is horrific!

DaisyChain505 · 30/07/2024 10:01

You are in an abusive relationship. This is not healthy or normal and you deserve better. Call women’s aid or any women’s charity. You can have a life different to this.

Original poster

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:01

He shows love and affection but Smithers me in it.. wants to touch me all the time,

If he's in the living room I have to be there if he goes in from the garden I have to go in! As he hasn't seen me all day..

All I keep thinking is maybe this is what love is but then it also doesn't feel right!

I want to go out with my friend in September to a old skool day and im nervous asking,

Always says no one is there for me an he's the one who has been through everything.. where have family and friends been!

My aniexty is really on one today! My memory is shit aswell atm!

OP posts:

Original poster

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:03

I'm sat crying he is good with the kids don't get me wrong,

But he also undermines me saying I treat them different..

I know you're all right I feel so alone!!

I'm sorry to write all this to you all!!

OP posts:

ActualChips · 30/07/2024 10:07

As a matter of urgency, get this abuser away from your kids. Get them into therapy.

Call the police and ask for them to remove your violent boyfriend from your property.

I speak as the daughter of a woman who had violent males in my home when I was a kid. I am so far beyond damaged from her choices.

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2024 10:08

This isn't what love is

He's abusive, can you call women's aid for support?

MissUltraViolet · 30/07/2024 10:09

Get help, ask family/friends/police to help you remove him from your house ASAP.

Why on earth did you allow him to move into your home? Your poor children.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 30/07/2024 10:10

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:03

I'm sat crying he is good with the kids don't get me wrong,

But he also undermines me saying I treat them different..

I know you're all right I feel so alone!!

I'm sorry to write all this to you all!!

He shouldn't be 'good with the kids' after only a year. He shouldn't be there. You've fucked up letting him move in, now sort it out and get him out.

Valid8me · 30/07/2024 10:27

I want to go out with my friend in September to a old skool day and im nervous asking

You shouldn't have to ask, you should br saying "Just letting you know that I'm going out with XYZ next Saturday".

As PP's have already said, this is not a healthy relationship, you need to get him out of your life, at the moment he is controlling you.

Original poster

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:36

Has anyone on here been in a relationship of abuse? This is completely different to the one I was in with the kids,

It goes from love to anger to laughing like a circle!

My head is a mess, an I feel like I'm going crazy and maybe shouldn't be going out at nearly 40.. or should pay more attention..

How do they get into your head.. how does this happen. I've always been so strong an I feel like shit tbh

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 30/07/2024 10:39

Of course you treat the kids differently. He’s not your kid. He’s supposed to be your partner and he doesn’t act like one. He wants you to be his mummy. Gross. This man is a controlling and manipulative manchild.

KreedKafer · 30/07/2024 10:40

I feel like I'm going mad and that is is what relationships are supposed to be an maybe it's me

Of course that's not what relationships are supposed to be. None of the things you've mentioned are remotely acceptable in a relationship.

Surely you must be able to recognise that this man is abusive? You need to get him out of your life ASAP. You've got children and if you bring a man like this into their lives, they too are going to grow up thinking this is 'what relationships are supposed to be' and they too will end up with a succession of abusive partners.

It sounds like you've had an abusive childhood followed by an abusive relationship and now you're in another abusive relationship, and I think perhaps you need to take some time to be single, get some counselling and read up a bit on abusive relationships and boundaries and what is/isn't normal from a partner. You deserve so much better than this, and I think that because you grew up in an abusive environment and then went straight into an abusive relationship, you're currently lacking any sense of what a healthy relationship is. You are very vulnerable, and so are your kids.

pinkyredrose · 30/07/2024 10:43

Change the locks when he's out and inform the police you're throwing your abusive ex out.

You cam do this Op, find your inner strength. Think about what your kids are learning. They're learning that this is how men treat women.

Original poster

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:43

I'm scared if I'm honest

OP posts:

KreedKafer · 30/07/2024 10:45

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:36

Has anyone on here been in a relationship of abuse? This is completely different to the one I was in with the kids,

It goes from love to anger to laughing like a circle!

My head is a mess, an I feel like I'm going crazy and maybe shouldn't be going out at nearly 40.. or should pay more attention..

How do they get into your head.. how does this happen. I've always been so strong an I feel like shit tbh

Has anyone on here been in a relationship of abuse? This is completely different to the one I was in with the kids,

It goes from love to anger to laughing like a circle!

Yes, I've been two abusive relationships and they were very different from each other - but they were both abusive.

'Love to anger to laughing' isn't healthy. It's normal to have a few rows but it's not normal for your partner to be shouting, breaking stuff, demanding more attention than your kids, trying to make you do things in bed that you don't like, making you pay for everything, shouting and banging around if you don't do what he wants and dismissing your illness.

He isn't 'loving' in any way. Just because he makes a fuss of you occasionally and says nice things when he's in a good mood, that doesn't mean he is a kind/loving man. He's a total cunt, OP. He's a textbook abuser and he has picked you specifically because you are vulnerable.

KreedKafer · 30/07/2024 10:46

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:01

He shows love and affection but Smithers me in it.. wants to touch me all the time,

If he's in the living room I have to be there if he goes in from the garden I have to go in! As he hasn't seen me all day..

All I keep thinking is maybe this is what love is but then it also doesn't feel right!

I want to go out with my friend in September to a old skool day and im nervous asking,

Always says no one is there for me an he's the one who has been through everything.. where have family and friends been!

My aniexty is really on one today! My memory is shit aswell atm!

OP, this is coercive control. Please, please seek help of some sort. This man should not be around you or your kids, ever.

longtompot · 30/07/2024 10:49

Op not all abuse is physical, which is what I suspect your previous partner was. I know you are scared, but the sooner you get rid of him the better. First chat to woman's aid, they will listen and help you form a plan. They will let you know what you need to do as it sounds like he is physical when he doesn't get his own way. You can do this. And from what I've read on here, you need to read the Freedom Programme so you can recognise abusive behaviour if it happens again.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2024 10:51

Freedom course now if you can't do anything else

Original poster

proudmumif3 · 30/07/2024 10:53

@longtompot thank you I will have a read.. just feel stuck in a rut right now!

Today he's not talking to me no idea why, cause I didn't speak in the car this morning!

I've got boys with additional needs an have a lot of meetings I'm drained from it all..

OP posts:

Fluffyunicorn1 · 30/07/2024 10:57

When he goes to work, pack his clothes and change the locks. If he starts getting aggressive then you call the police. He is abusing you and your children as they are witnessing all of this.

You can do it even if you're scared. I've been there done that, you do come out of the other side. Stay single for a bit and focus on your life and your children's lives and all of your happiness and the other things will follow when they are meant to.

He is probably contributing massively to your anxiety and depression as well.

Get him out of your house, keep yourself safe, block him on everything and if you need to call the police

Flip