To be a bit upset friend cancelled 30mins before meant to meet

[TheLilacTurtle]

Me and a friend of mine haven’t seen each other in about a year, things have just got busy, we both have young children so I get it.

She cancelled the last couple of times we were supposed to meet for various reasons.

this time we were supposed to meet for a play date and was looking forward to it, was all good to go and then randomly half hour before says her child was acting up so can’t make it. She suggested another date and I said yes, and I haven’t heard from her since and the date she suggested has gone now so I assume that’s it. I’m fed up of being the one to initiate contact, she says how much she misses me and then cancels.

aibu to call time on this friendship and stop making an effort?

No not unreasonable at all. She clearly doesn’t see you as a priority or has issues going on she can’t/doesn’t want to discuss. Give your energy to people who give you theirs.

Personally I'd go with "has issues going on" and ask her about it. But it's up to you OP

You never know what’s going on behind the scenes. She could be struggling majorly with anxiety/depression and finding juggling day to day life hard.

don’t see her cancelling as a reflection on how she feels about you but try to remember that we never know how any other given person is really coping or feeling.

If a friend cancelled because their child was acting up I'd really struggle to maintain that friendship. Even if she has lied and there's something else going on behind the scenes, it's a really shit and flakey reason to cancel.

Been there done that OP with an old friend. Happened a few times and the final time I sat in my car waiting for her just knowing she wasn't going to turn up, which she didn't,... 🤦🏻‍♀️ In her case she'd got married and had a baby and I think it was just a case of me not fitting in with her new life (I am a single parent of an older child).

I'm still intermittently in touch with her, but never arrange to meet anymore, sod that!

The irony is, if she's in touch she always says 'we must meet up soon',.... 🙄

Do her children/child have any disabilities or are they ND?

Either she’s struggling or she isn’t bothered by your friendship

Really hard. Yes, of course, she could have all sorts going on that you don't know about. We've all been overwhelmed at points with parenthood, life makes it nearly impossible sometimes to maintain anything like a social life. But ultimately friendships fade without nurture. I've been on both sides of this, its rubbish when you are the flaky one and also rubbish when you notice people doing it to you. When I see this happening to me, I don't chase it too much but try and let them know the door is open. I think the trick is not giving of yourself more than you are content to give. That way you don't feel put out it they can't/won't reciprocate.

I suggest that you make an appointment to have a video chat on your phone, or a phone call

Her child "acting up" could be a full on meltdown

I’d stop making an effort. She can’t be arsed clearly. Your kid acting up is a reason to be late, not to cancel.

If your child had a meltdown just before meeting with friends you'd cancel your plans?

There are only two possibilities, either this person is not bothered or something more is going on but they don't feel able to explain to you.

I would never personally cut someone out for something like this, but I would stop being proactive about making arrangements. Could you give her a call and see if everything is OK? You don't have to but might be a helpful thing to do.

Sure, but she let the raincheck date pass without comment. That’s just rude.

An actual meltdown? Yes possibly. Many children are completely wiped out after a meltdown. A meltdown is not just a regular tantrum.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns

No

There are no disabilities or ND. You've sent me a link to an autism website.

I had a friend who did this 90% of the time. To the point I'd tell DC we 'might' see their friends today & have back up plans. Or ask me to meet for lunch/coffee & she'd turn up early & be done by the time I got there (I turned up 30 min early once & she'd STILL eaten already).

No child meltdowns, no crises, she was just inconsiderate & selfish & I knew I wasn't important enough to make the effort (she never did this to friends when visiting her home country). Some people you can't make excuses for.

Anyway, just move on. Your friend won't change. Make tentative plans if you like, to fill time socially, but don't bank on them happening or take it personally.

Doesnt sound like she is coping right now. If she suggests another meeting maybe you can ask her to call when she's free and you can try to meet spur of the moment. You probably won't hear for ages but if . If she does call and you can't meet, you could then catch up with your lives on the phone for now. What I'm saying is be nice to her if it matters to you to keep her friendship. If she's more stress than she's worth then fade out of her life cos you definitely don't need this hassle unless you want a fight. 🙂

I had a friend who'd do this. We met as singles, she got married moved to the country and first few years it was me always travelling to see her. Then I got married and had kids and meet ups get fewer and fewer and often because she'd cancel last minute. Her kids were in school and her very capable retired mother lived in an annex (so childcare was not an issue).
Anyhoo it became a standing joke that we'd make plans but when (not if) would she cancel them? So I stopped. Years go by. Then a couple years ago she called out of the blue and said she was coming over. Her kids are grown and out of the house, one of mine is too. We meet up now a couple times a year. I do value our friendship but one has to realise we aren't top of the list in other peoples lives. And the effort to get out of the house (when not for work) can seem insurmountable, especially after Covid.

My DD is ND, I've had to cancel many plans in the past due to meltdowns, sometimes even if we have made it to a meet up I've had to leave early due to her being overwhelmed.
Fortunately I have 'my people' who totally understand and never judge, they ask what they can do to help, are happy to come to our home instead of going out as home is her safe place, happily change plans at the last minute and usually turn up with wine.
Maybe ask her what's easiest for her? is there anything you can do? Maybe you could have said 'no worries, shall I come to you?
She maybe going through something that you know nothing about and loosing your friendship could make matters a whole lot worse.