How to help friend

[Redwineandcheeseplease01]

Good friend of mine has been diagnosed with a serious illness. I have text frequently since she told me, offering support and stressed that I will support her however she needs it (be that practical help with meals etc, emotional support, going out as we usually would, offered childcare, offered to come to any appointments to keep her company) but she hasn’t responded to anything. I have also sent her a basket of treats with a card that says I’m thinking of you and here for you any time you need anything. I cannot imagine what she is going through and want to support her but equally don’t want to intrude or overstep or annoy her by keep contacting her when she is clearly going through a major trauma and isn’t currently responding.
do I continue to text regularly and check in, or do I leave it alone until if and when she is ready to talk to me? I don’t know what to do and don’t want to annoy her or add to her stress but equally hate the idea of her going through this alone.

You sound very thoughtful. I think that she will know by now that you're there for her.
For whatever reason, she's not up for communication now, so I would leave it, and not send any more texts for a while.
She will contact you when she's ready.

I think you've let her know that you are there when she needs to reach out. Maybe wait now just to give her time to process what she is going through until she is ready to respond.

I don’t think leaving it is good advice. I say that as someone in the friend’s position. Maybe less frequently, perhaps.
I found it very difficult to accept help, even harder to ask for it. If someone said ‘I can look after the kids’, I still couldn’t then ask. If someone text, ‘I’d like to take the kids out for a bit, is there a day that it would be more helpful to you’, I’d bite their hand off. Or, I can cook for you vs I’ve made a lasagne, please may I drop it round? - you get the idea.
Also, text is hard.. could you just go round? Face to face is WAY easier. Once she’s broken the barrier to talking, you might find she texts more easily.
Also, instead of how are you, how was your day today? Or I don’t know, something more specific.

You sounds like a lovely friend 😊 as someone going through cancer treatment at the moment, I found the start of it very difficult as people found out and my phone never stopped. In the end I just stopped replying to everyone for a while, because it was a constant reminder of what was happening. I think maybe leave it a little while, and check in in a week or so. Your friend might just be struggling with it all, but I'm sure she really appreciates your messages and gifts 😊

I think I'd cut down to a very short text once a week.

Just letting her know you're there.

Don’t make it about her illness. Sometimes a bit of normalcy can go a long way.

Thanks for your replies. I have already as suggested asked if there are specific things I can help with and also text her random bits of chitchat but no response, I cannot imagine what she’s going through so don’t expect her to respond but it’s more I haven’t been sure whether to continue as I am, contacting her regularly with both chitchat and offers of help, or leave her be and wait for her to contact me in case in the current situation me texting her is adding to her mental load somehow.

I don’t think you should leave it. When my best friend was diagnosed with cancer she stopped responding. She was going through hell, her head was a mess. I sent her a message every day either a meme to make her smile or to show I was thinking of her or just a message telling her I loved her. Same when another friend lost her baby. Both said they appreciated it at the time and it did make them smile. They came out the other side and knew I was still there.

I wouldn’t go completely silent, but keep it brief and less often. And let her know it’s fine for her not to reply, but you’re there if ever she does want to talk, or need anything.

Could you buy a few nice cards and pop one in the post every couple of weeks? They don't need a response. But she might just be ignoring messages as she hasn't got the emotional capacity to reply at the moment.

@Createausername1970 thats a lovely idea, thankyou

I have been told by others in this situation that specific offers are more helpful than general - so rather than saying ‘can I do anything?’ it can be easier for people to accept if you say something like ‘I’ve got a couple of meals prepared, can I drop them at the door this afternoon? I’ll just leave them on the doorstep if you don’t fancy visitors at the moment’ or ‘can I take the kids to the cinema and for pizza this Saturday?’ or ‘I have a voucher for a takeaway, I’ll pop it through the letterbox in a card’. That way she’s not having to think of things she needs and worry she’s asking too much etc.

I would also just keep checking in with messages - nothing with questions or needing a reply, just things like ‘thinking of you lots’ every few days. So she knows you haven’t forgotten but she doesn’t feel pressured to respond.

You sound lovely and thoughtful, and you’re right that she likely just has so much to deal with right now that she can’t respond, but keep showing her you’re there in gentle and low pressured ways and hopefully it will ease her burden a little.