Daughter so scared of everything

[Tinkle999]

Dd8 has always been timid and a bit fearful - totally understand as I was and can be a bit the same. She's very risk averse and if she has a bad experience with something she will not do that activity again regardless of how much we support and help, cajole or bribe.

Yesterday she freaked out on an old school merry go round and my husband had to go and get her. I just gave her a hug while she explained what she had been scared of, suggested she try again, and then we left.

I just don't think it's within the bounds of normal for an 8 year old to wail with fear on a merry go round.

What on earth should we do about this?

What was it about the merry go round that she was scared of? I hate anything that just goes round as it makes me feel sick, even the roundabout at a kid's play park, so when we used to go to theme parks I would avoid those types of rides, fortunately my husband liked them so the kids didn't miss out.

I wouldn't force her to go on a ride again if she doesn't like it. What other things is she scared of and does it impact on her day to day life.

Does she participate in any clubs or have friends she plays with to help boost her confidence?

I know someone who was very similar. She didn't make the most of childhood activities, had only 1 friend, was very clingy with her DM, (slept in her bed until she was 18), etc. She's in her twenties now. She left her home Country and took herself off to a prestigious art school. She got her degree and now makes costumes for TV & film, etc. She has a quiet confidence, is an introvert, and very creative.

I can't tell you what's best for your DD, but just wanted to share this with you.

This is so odd i was just thinking about this re my DD, shes 9 and very very similar to yours. shes scared of everything and anything, also has meltdowns if shes embarrassed, tired, hungry.

But it seems to really only be with us, in school shes fairly balanced and calm, and she also competes and trains 21 hours a week and appears to be getting very resilient in that.

She has a very contradictory personality but im hopeful as she gets older she will start to cope better in general.

She's been okay previously but she didn't find a pony or whatever to sit on until the last minute and it stressed her out.

I never force her to do anything, but I do actively encourage it and explain that if she leaves things on a bad note she's liable to view it negatively in the future.

It doesn't impact us horribly but, for example, she became vegetarian at the age of 4 after I ordered a whole fish at a restaurant. She fell off a pony and won't ride again despite having had a great year of lessons. Bikes are out of the question. She doesn't like busy shops (was close to tears in the supermarket the other day), she won't play at the playground if any other children and behind her in the queue for equipment. She has missed birthday parties and school trips due to them being at cl8mbing walls or high lines.

Nothing we can't avoid but I would love to see her face her fears rather than shrink away from everything.

Can you have a chat with your school senco and ask them to observe to see if they have any concerns as well?

They might be able to refer direct to CAMHS for some further support about the anxiety.

My two are similar age, and we’ve had to work through so much anxiety with both of them. So many of their peers age 7-10 have a lot of anxiety. So many of them - particularly the girls.

You have to remember that at a very crucial age of their development - when children really start to learn friendships, and exploring the world - everything was taken away from them, no friendships allowed, no outside contact, no teachers, nothing but a scary stream of Covid media frenzy. I firmly believe it’s affected this age group more than their slightly younger siblings, and if there’s any neurodiversity at play that’s brought it out more.

You need to help her establish herself in the world - keep gently encouraging her out, try new things, make friends, etc. Arrange play dates, get friends over so it’s one on one time with another kid. Then highly recommend trying something like brownies- it’s been the biggest thing that’s helped turn ours confidence around. Getting a pet has helped here massively too - the right one can be a real positive way for a kid to ground themselves and regulate emotions.

This is not normal behaviour for an 8 year old.

Getting stressed out when expectations aren't met, strong sense of justice that changes core aspects of her lifestyle, having a strong personal set of rules and values that she will self exclude if it's apparent others want to join in or if the rules can be perceived or assumed to be different to hers ie. She'd be expected to take turns or it's time critical, being sensory sensitive as outlined to proprioception and vestibular senses.

You will have to forgive me if I am reading this incorrectly because I am reading it from the eyes of a SEN mum myself so I have got my own biases, but I think these are all things that 30 years ago would just be labelled as "quirks", but now we know these could be unmet support needs.

I would speak to your GP and ask them what they think the best course of action is.

My dd was like this at that age, she's never try anything new, years when she did. She wouldn't go on any school trips until she was a teen either, and heaven forbid you suggested a sleep over.

Took her to Alton towers as a treat for finishing her GCSE's, she went on every ride with her friends and her hobby is horse riding and riding cross country.

Just be there for your dc, don't force them to do anything. They'll come round in their own good time

I’m not suggesting anything especially from so little information but what most people don’t realise is that autism in girls usually shows as (social) anxiety. However, a sensory need that comes with this means that fast/scary rides is craved and horse riding is a very normal obsession for an autistic girl; both of these activities tend to be solo or else the behaviour is predictable so the anxiety levels are taken away and it’s enjoyed. Girls can mask so well that autism isn’t seen in them especially if their parents are undiagnosed and don’t know better because they think the quirks are quite normal as they had their own quirks growing up as well.

Once your daughter is back at school, speak with the SENCO. See if the teaching staff (and lunchtime staff) have noticed anything. I have worked in Primary schools, for 12 years - and to my mind this is not normal behaviour. I wonder if perhaps your daughter could potentially be on the Autism spectrum? Please don't take offence, I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination, and it's just a thought based on my experience working in different schools. High levels of anxiety, along with certain things like routine, or liking things a certain way etc, can be a sign.

Teacher here, who has taught lots of beautiful little souls.

Your daughter sounds lovely and you sound like a wonderful mum. I would say these behaviours are not neurotypical for an eight year old.

Have school ever mentioned autism to you? Girls, however, are notoriously good at masking autism in school and lots of different behaviour is seen at home. This tends to be why lots of girls get diagnosed later than boys.

It is hard to answer your question without knowing your child. If your child is neurodiverse the best advise would come from a specialist in that field who will be able to offer you lots of great ‘tips and tricks’ specifically for your DD needs. School or GP would help with this referral.

Good luck. 💐

Thanks all.

Just to clear up a previous point, it's not that she doesn't want to play with other children at the playground or take turns, it's just that she feels pressured if there are other children behind her as she doesn't want to to make them wait.

Thanks for suggesting the senco, I don't think I'll flag it straight away as I'd like to see how she settles in but then maybe a few weeks in I'll ask them to keep an eye on her.

Counselling/therapy.
I was an extremely anxious child and it'll just be the tip of the iceberg you're seeing.
I so wish I'd had therapy and been taught ways of dealing with it as a child before it became so deep rooted.

Are you or your partner telling her to be cautious a lot? My mum would warn me of risks and also tell me not to look at things she thought I'd find scary but actually that just made them all the more terrifying.

Hi OP, I don't have any advice other than to recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron. My daughter is highly sensitive too and I found it really useful xx

I was just thinking (with a couple of exceptions) the op could be describing me as a child and I am fairly sure it was "just" anxiety from having a very unstable and challenging home life to be honest. Not saying at all op your child has this experience, but just offering a different opinion.

I’d find a specialist sensory OT, and take some advice from them. Lots of what she avoids seems to imply sensory defensiveness and some work on this might help.

Hi OP, I was like this as a child. No fairground rides for me! All of my children have some neurodivergence - mild but one of them was incredibly sensitive when it came to the senses - especially touch. I thought at the time “How unusual” but we just coped with it. Gave him lots of down time, warnings when changing activities, we found warm baths really helpful to reset after school or when it became overwhelming etc and then when I really thought about it I realised I was exactly the same. I’ve almost completely grown out of it. But I guess am an HSP like my child. Big emotions, lots of anxiety and I don’t like physical risk and even with benign sensory experiences- it took me a long time to ‘warm up’. He is the same. However up sides - very rich inner life, creativity and empathy are some of the good bits. Kids can be really quite odd but I would wait a bit and never force. Your point about not wanting kids behind her in a queue is (I don’t think) that weird. My children’s lovely ‘Ed Psych’ told me that some people find being observed lowers their performance or enjoyment. She might feel pressure to engage when she gets to the front and worries about everyone behind. I completely get this but to someone who doesn’t feel the world like this, this may seem bonkers. To reassure you my child who is like this is now super confident and once happy about something goes in boots and all (even more than some of his peers). He is popular, brave and self directed, a fairly deep thinker but you would never know to meet him that he once found some
of these things really challenging. I would wait and see and read that book about Highly Sensitive People - at first I thought it was cobblers but apparently it is true (and many are introverts so if parents aren’t it can also be a challenge to understand a different frame work). I wouldn’t seek professional help just yet. Watch and see if you can encourage / support in the family first?

I was like this as a child. Was diagnosed ADHD in my 30s - the hyperactivity being a hyperactive, anxious mind. It was torture as a child not knowing what it was or understanding as a child. Now I understand it's a series of things...

Sound overwhelm, visual overwhelm, if moving in two directions (like up and down on a carousel) my brain gets overwhelmed and can't understand the motion of both directions. Also same with walking down unfamiliar stairs... I'll often miss a step or feel I will because I can't gauge the distance.

As a child if I had one bad experience, that was it because my brain would ruminate, fixate and get anxious on that one bad thing.

It got much much worse as a teen. Please consider support for your DD.

Agree with how to safe a wife. I think anxiety/risk aversness could be linked to adhd. Read the mini adhd coach by Alice Gendron and see if it resonates

Just want to help you understand your senses a bit better, because you are already learning so much about yourself and if you don't already know this it might help you even more. Every one deserves to know themselves.

Although it makes sense to class it as a visual sensation with balance, it's actually a vestibular sensitivity, regarding our inner ears and also how our brain perceives what we can see, but that is it's own sensory category. Missing steps, having a poor sense of spatial awareness and poor awareness of oneself in an area especially one that's unfamiliar is a lack of sensitivity with proprioception. An under sensitivity is part of the primary diagnosis for dyspraxia, which can cause similar issues to innatentive ADHD, and can also be comorbid to it as well.

Just for OPs sake, we have 8 senses.

The obvious 5, taste smell touch sight and sound, but we also have vestibular- the balance and movement sense, proprioception- the sense of spatial awareness externally to our body, and interoception- our internal senses like pain and hunger.

All our senses can be over or under sensitive, for those of us who are ND, being either can be disabling and this is what sets us apart from our NT peers as our repetitive behaviours are what we use to process the world around us, and some repetitive behaviours could be rigidity in routines and plans, in order to make sure we remain regulated and there are no sudden shocks or surprises.

To the PP I quoted, if you already knew all of this I'm sorry if it's just teaching you to suck eggs, I just really feel like we all deserve to understand ourselves and sometimes you read something and it really resonates so I just wanted to offer my own knowledge about it incase it did resonate with you too.

My dd was like this when younger, until I did some research and changed her diet. She still has a few difficulties occasionally but she has great confidence most of the time now.