I imagine this post will be quite outing but oh well, if he knows its me and reads this I need to suck that up.
So background: i have a much younger brother, as well as a sister a year younger who I am very close to. My parents have bad mental health problems over the years and ‘complicated’ lives. They fell pregnant with my brother by accident when they were older parents, mum’s catholic so bish bash bosh, 9 months later a baby that they really were not able to care for. My sister and I looked after our brother until he was about 8 (i would say those years were stable and he was a happy, thriving kid), and then we left home and the wheels fell off. My parents would forget to feed him or get him up for school, he got involved in drugs and gangs and even as young as 12 would be out at night and no one knew where he was.
I tried lots of interventions over the years but ultimately felt I needed to live my own life, so I built a career, started a family of my own, as has my sister. We live in a different part of the country. My parents still have a lot of problems and are in denial about how badly he was let down. When he was 18 I helped him with uni applications and helped get him set up in a new town which was a fresh start of sorts, though now he is 30 and has still never had a job (more of this later).
Another important bit of background is that neurodiversity is quite prevalent in our family. My brother is clearly autistic though hasn’t been assessed. He thinks labels are pointless. He sees the world very differently to others, absolutely cannot take on board feedback or criticism, is selfish to the point where it’s clinical, no understanding of boundaries etc. This makes him quite vulnerable, he goes off with people he doesn’t know etc.
I’m making him sound awful. In a way he kind of is. But to me family is important. I love him and want him to be ok.
Even more background. Since uni he’s never had a job. My sister and I have helped him over the years gaining various professional qualifications that would allow him to work flexibly (he couldn’t face office work or anything like that). However he always has money. He travels a lot. Doesn’t live lavishly but he has more cash than someone unemployed and with zero generational wealth would logically have. Always a lot of cash / paper money too. It’s clear he does something illegal. He is a big guy but super-gentle so we assume nothing violent, so have basically never asked as we don’t want to incriminate ourselves. Maybe some sort of fraud or drugs.
Long way of getting to the point. There was a big family reunion in a foreign country this week. He showed up, got completely drunk and behaved appallingly, smashing up the rented place (in my name, my deposit), rude, ungrateful, scared the kids. Loads of detail that I don’t need to share. Not outright violent but very intimidating. We all slept with our doors locked. I’ve kicked him out and told him he needs to get help. It just feels like the last in a line of things of him showing up to things late, or off his face, or not at all. He never ever thinks to buy christmas presents or would never bring along a bottle to a dinner etc. just shows up, expects to be served and then goes off. I feel I can’t take it any more.
But underneath I am sure there is that sweet little boy who cried every day when I left for uni and used to call me to tell me about his day at school. I think he needs help but I’m not sure what help. He needs to not be a criminal. But I don’t know how to make him stop. He clearly needs to not drink, but I don’t think he’s an alcoholic - he doesn’t drink all that often but when he does it’s like a switch flips and he goes crazy.
I’ve decided I at the least won’t have him around my kids any longer.
I am interested if others have had similar experiences.
YANBU - just cut off contact and wait for him to want to change
YABU - you can / should help in some way and here is an idea