To end this over his add?

[Pinkboxglitter]

I have been seeing someone for around a year, and I really like them. We get on great, and there is definitely a connection. We are great friends, and from what I can tell, we have similar values and desires for the future. He has a stable job and in his 30s.

However, recently his ADHD diagnosis has become more apparent, and I am honestly not sure whether I should continue this relationship. He is moody and irritable and often becomes short in conversation if I suggest or offer to do things. It's like he is irritated by my presence. Then he realizes he has snapped and starts being extra nice.

He spends thousands each month on literally nothing but material items. This upsets me deeply, as I save so much for my future, for a house, and I am penny-pinching on a daily basis. I'm not saying I want his money, but what is the aim here? I want to be with someone who will build a future with me.

He is always late, sometimes hours late to things, and it’s just so annoying. I have one life, and I don't want to wait around for someone. He was once 6 hours late because he got 'distracted'. He often cancels on me, which means I spend a lot of my time alone as I can’t make other plans, and I have no family close by. I told him this, and he said he was sorry but then canceled on me three times.

He is extremely messy in his home. I have offered to help him, hire a cleaner, etc., and he just has no motivation to do anything about it. I feel sorry for him in this but also frustrated.

When I ask him about the future, he is all for it, but never wants to plan or change anything. He is completely last minute, and I just can’t live like that. I love to have a plan, save, and prepare for a family and a home. I feel so sad because I care for him a lot, but all of these things are putting me off. What should i do?

My DP has ADHD and yes, sometimes it is annoying, but he does his best to mitigate it: he writes down his to-dos right away in a diary, he takes medication, he is not good at keeping things tidy but I organise this and he pulls his weight. I have to ask, what is your guy doing about it? You can’t help having ADHD, but how you manage life with it is important.

If he is not willing or able then I really would finish the relationship, you want very different things out of life.

He does not take medication and uses cannabis to control his symptoms. This means the motivation is completely gone.

No matter how much you care about him OP this relationship is not making you happy. Your life style and the life you want to live is not compatible with his. And it doesn't sound as though things will get better.
I'm afraid I think you would be better to end the relationship.

So you get on well, have similar values and desires for the future, and he has a stable job and is in his thirties. All very basic normal things as a baseline for a relationship.

But in reality... you don't share similar values at all?

He doesn't value being civil and polite unless he feels like it.

You don't share financial values at all, to a MASSIVE extent, which will ruin your relationship and put your potential future kids security at risk.

He doesn't value/respect time, well, YOUR time, whereas you do.

You have different values for how you keep your home.

You're future minded and he is very in the moment.

I have to say this sounds like an appalling relationship and I'm amazed you've lasted as long as you have. Please don't blame the above on ADD, some might be related but plenty of people with ADD have tidy homes, value other people's time, can control when they snap at others, and are financially responsible. You would see evidence of him working to reduce the impact of ADD on his life if that was the cause, for example seeing a therapist or specialist and things becoming measurably better over time.

You're on a hiding to nothing sorry. Imagine moving in! The stress of the messiness and the material goods piling up while the bank account runs dry. Never being able to make plans with others together cos he might not go. Just end it. You seem to have latched onto him as your dream guy cos he has the very basic requirements of a functional partner (male, employed, get on) when in reality you have tonnes of screaming red flags in front of your face. One of them alone would be enough to wreck a relationship let alone all of them.

I spent years trying to escape a marriage to someone like this. It's not the ADD, its the refusal to put any strategies in place or get any help. Life was chaos and I was in survival mode. Run to the hills

Just weed to manage his ADHD doesn't work. Yes, it quietens the brain and gives a bit of peace, but it saps motivation and drive. I know this from personal experience. It can also exacerbate the anxiety he's trying to keep under control.

Some of what you've described is ADHD, the rest is him as a person. I don't think this is going to work for you long term.

Sounds like its miserable and exhausting as it is, can't imagine it getting any better? So many threads in relationships topic about this. Maybe have a read and decide if this is something you could cope with.