AIBU to expect husband to take responsibility for remembering things?

[Pineapples198]

My husbands short term memory is terrible, always has been as long as I’ve known him (17 years). He can remember in detail things he ate in a restaurant 20 years ago, but not that I said we needed milk 10 minutes ago.

He relies on me either deliberately or not to remind him of everything. He asks when are we going to… where are we going on holiday… type questions. If it’s someone’s birthday I have to remind him daily for a couple of weeks or until I lose my patience and say this is your last reminder now.

If I challenge him he says “my memory is terrible how do you not know that by now”. I have said he needs to take responsibility for it. You agree to watch the neighbours cat you set a reminder, not tell me and then I end up remembering and doing it and he doesn’t. No “remind me tomorrow to get some potatoes” No, set a reminder. I’ve told him I’m done carrying the mental load for him.

He won’t. I have asked him multiple times what he has against reminders and why he won’t use them when he admits his memory is terrible. He just goes quiet and won’t answer me.

Am I being unreasonable to think that while he can’t help his memory issues he can and should take steps (notes, lists, reminder, diary) to remember his own stuff?

I would remind him of things that are important to you (it’s your birthday in two weeks) but not the things that don’t affect you.
Let him forget and fail and take the fall out from forgetting. He might then learn to start using a diary or reminders on his phone.

He doesn't set reminders because it's easier to get you to remind him. Not least because some of the time you'll do the thing for him instead of reminding him. He goes quiet when you talk about it because he knows he can't admit that.

Your only option is to stop reminding him.

This is a constant argument with DH. He tells me I need to write things down for him, so I do, then he loses the piece of paper or can't find the detailed email I sent him a week ago.... 😡

And it's completely selective. He's not even subtle about it.

You know these men would be perfectly capable of doing all of this if they were on their own don’t you?

im assuming they all work and manage just fine.

Does he have a job? If so who’s holding his hand and reminding him to do everything necessary or does he manage by himself?

Of course YANBU.

YANBU

He basically wants you to be his PA and it's much easier for him to say it once to you and then shove all of the mental load onto you to remember and in some cases even do the thing instead of him taking any adult responsibility. I would tell him straight that that's what he's doing and that he's treating you like a secretary and that if he wants to do that then he can pay you for it. It's incredibly unfair of him to put that on to you because you then have the mental load of two people and it is exhausting

My DH is a bit the same. He is ADHD and he struggles to remember things and he used to use me unintentionally but I pushed back and he now makes sure he puts reminders in his phone or writes a Post-It note and sticks it on his desk. There's still loads that he doesn't do because he doesn't even think that it needs doing, especially around the children. But to mitigate against that I have pushed a lot of the practical day-to-day household stuff onto him so at least I don't have to think about that. Like the weekly shop, the meal planning and the cooking and laundry.

That sounds a lot but we have two neurodivergent children, one of whom also has a chronic illness and both of them are being educated outside of school because of their challenges. So I have an awful lot to do as I also work two jobs.

Immediate family and other really important things sure but some people insist on every single birthday they have ever met or doing a million things that are not needed because they have this need to constantly do everything no

So it would depend

Bet it doesn't happen at his work.

These things are just not as important so they are your job, implying that your time and headspace is also not important.

I have an absolutely shocking memory, much in the same way as your H. I can remember the registration number of every car I have ever owned, but not what I need to add to the shopping list this week. But that is my problem to sort out, not anyone else's. He needs to stop being helpless.

He will only change when he experiences the consequences of his behaviour, when his inaction inconveniences him.

My DH has suspected ADHD and has maybe a hint of this - not to anywhere near the degree you’re talking about. But for some reason he cannot remember to put money in our joint a/c on the monthly schedule I requested. For years I have been prompting him, flagging up low funds etc. It was really pissing me off. I don’t understand why he doesn’t set up a Standing Order, but that’s his problem. We have a shared Google calendar, so last month I just set up a 4 weekly item with a reminder to put money in the a/c. I refuse to spend any more time on the issue! Simple fix. Could you have a shared calendar and start the process for him by setting just a couple of reminders? Then he might get into the habit of using that system himself 🤞
It sounds incredibly annoying, I’m sorry 😞

I have the same, i just decided one day that I was adding to my own stress having to do so much organising/admin/remembering plus constantly trying to get him to try harder and contribute that I said fine, I’ll do all of this and you do the practical tasks that you can’t forget each day eg cooking cleaning washing etc as those provide their own reminders when you’re hungry or there are no clean clothes etc. Now the house is stress free

My DH was like this. I completely refuse to remind him of things unless it’s acceptable for me to. Told him to write things down and use a calendar. He’s gotten better.

I have the worst memory, but use notes, phone alarms and phone calendar to remember everything.

It's his job to find the tools to help him.

Just stop reminding him of anything

Can you all get a family calendar that everyone has access to? Then all he has to do is look at that. Some of them send automatic reminders.

It's a choice or he would have been fired by now.

He's using you as his only strategy. He needs to use other strategies. I am not good at that kind of timely remembering. I have lots of alarms set and reminders in the calendar, as well as lists in my notes app. Smart phones make it so much easier! He needs to use everything at his disposal.

Forgetful people used to use tools like a diary but now it seems, despite almost all of us carrying an small internet connected computer in our pockets, we seem to have forgotten how to do this.

I agree with other posters - let him drop a few non-essential balls and he might start looking after himself better.

When my DH does this, I treat him like a child. I say in my best patronising mum voice "Oh dear, did you forget again, I know you can remember if you try so so hard" and then I walk away. I do this in front of his friends and family too to embarrass him. I just don't care anymore.

He doesn't forget things that are important to him.

My ex has a terrible memory when it suits him and says that annoying thing oh you know I have a terrible memory…
BUT does he forget his older sister’s birthday? No! Because she’ll kick off big time. He just prioritises what he wants to remember and only has reminders for that 🙄

He is using you as a crutch. He needs to take responsibility and keep a notebook or use the alarm and calendar feature in his phone.

He doesn't get to be a poor excuse for a human being by making you be his secretary and alarm clock.

I live on my own and retired . No one to remind me as I get older and more forgetful. Never did have a partner who’d remind me anyway, but at least he’d not rely on me with exception of damn birthdays/anniversaries 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

i set reminders on my phone - a lot of them repeats so it prompts me annually, monthly . Literally for everything I can predict. Yep, I have a smart watch so I get pings on my wrist all day for stuff - gps, birthdays, bin day, social events etc etc .

I then use a Siri to set voice reminders or timers or alarms during the day . I set reminders that I need to leave for appointments, to take washing out machine and hang up at end of run, to take meds, to call my dc when they said “give me 15 mins”…otherwise I at best loose track of time, or just forget.

so I’d buy him a echo or Siri or something like, that connects to his phone. Say that you aren’t his Alexa/siri and he can ask them to remind him instead - his personal PA.

if he argues, say he’ll have to figure another strategy when you divorce him over this and he lives on his own. 🤨

Agree re family calendar on phone

how can anyone say they forget things re kids events etc when we have more power in our phones than it took to send man to the moon, and I’m serious on that.

family calendars are brilliant, why the hell would you not use that technology when a kid of 3 seems to be able to use a phone these days.

I have a teen son with ADHD and I’ve trained him to use his phone for reminders tbh. He has daily reminders for stuff like upcoming birthdays as he doesn’t want to forget and disappoint.

How does your h cope at work ? How would he deal with common scenarios like remembering what task to do next ? If he spoke to a colleague or customer and had to perform an action as a result, how would he remember?