not to want to spend time with DH's family?

[Tuliptimes]

Ever since I've been with my DH his family, who all live in the same town, have kind of got on my nerves. They have what sometimes feels like an act of being a "big close family" and having family get-togethers. The reason it doesn't feel real to me is that despite living fairly close to each other, none of them ever drop in to see each other, go out for a quick drink together or anything like that, it's always just these big gatherings. I don't think they even particularly help each other out really, for example, no-one in the family has ever babysat my kids except my MIL & FIL.

I have always felt very uncomfortable at these gatherings because basically no-one talks to me much, as in I don't think I've had a full conversation with any member of his family. His parents are fine although they don't say much. His brother got this girlfriend who is horrible, she's very sharp with people, will shout at my kids, she's always talking about how she managed to rip people off in her job, benefits fraud she used to get away with, etc. This is not someone I want to be around and would really rather my kids were not around.

When I've protested about going before, DH has always made me feel terribly guilty and said he won't enjoy it if I'm not by his side. The thing is, he barely speaks to me either! He makes all this fuss for me to be there, then basically ignores me. Finally, I've put my foot down and am just not going. Fortunately, I get asked to work from home a lot on weekends so especially on Sunday afternoons I can say I need everything finished by Monday morning. My kids will also make excuses not to go if they have a chance, if they have some activity or can say they made plans with friends already. They say this is mainly to avoid being around the nasty girlfriend who might snap at them and doesn't come from me, unless obviously seeing that I am not going puts the idea in their heads.

I suppose you could say I've solved the problem but I still feel very guilty. When DH is at one of these events I invent work for myself to do even if I don't have any just so I won't feel that I've lied. He says he's worried that his parents will take offense that I am never there. I do feel like that isn't fair because I make up for it in other ways as I will often help my MIL or FIL out by running them to medical appointments, driving them to the supermarket, etc., which you would think would mean more than showing up at their parties, where they never talk to me anyway!

BTW my own family is a very long way away, when I go to see them it is normally just the kids and I. If we go there for Christmas my DH gets along fine with my family and never complains but does seem to get a bit bored and doesn't ever volunteer to come along other times.

I am just wondering if anyone has had similar situation or can help me not to feel so guilty!

I put up with DH’s family for many years, but then got to a point of asking myself why I go when I don’t enjoy their company, I find them very false and know who is bitching about who behind their backs. So now I pack DH and the kids off to see them while I do my own thing. They make no effort to contact me, so that’s good.

I wouldn’t feel guilty in the first place, especially as dh does fuck all to include you. And presuming your children aren’t doing anything awful why are you letting that woman shout at them?

I think part of being in a relationship is compromise. Would it be possible to speak to your husband and say, I hate going because you ignore me, see if their is an improvement (if not by all means never go again), I would also tell BIL girlfriend not to speak to your children that way, at the end of the day your kids will be seeing your in laws so it would be better if you were there by their side.
Obviously if all the behaviour continues after you have communicated, don't bother anymore

I'm similar with my sister in law & her family, I do not get on with her or her husband one bit (very selfish people who start arguments for no reason) when they come to visit I send DH & the kids around to the mother in laws to see them but I don't go. I stay home and do something else.
I don't feel bad about it, my DH doesn't visit my family when I travel to them.

So don't feel bad. As you say you help your PILs in better ways.

I don't really spend time with my dh's family anymore and finally feel at peace with it!
His dad is extremely difficult and his mum just laughs it off or looks awkward. My dc's are adults now, so I feel they should be able to choose for themselves if they visit or not (after enduring years of awkward family events!)

I'm very close to my own family and as my parents are getting older now and my db isn't local, I will always prioritise seeing them, over forcing myself to see the in laws!
I think hitting the menopause has helped, my people pleaser days are over (thank god!!)

Surely it’s up to them how they socialise with one another? I mean you appear to think it’s somehow ‘fake’ because they don’t go in and out of one another’s houses or babysit your children apart from your PILs, but it’s their choice, presumably? I get on perfectly well with DH’s siblings, but none of them ever babysat DS, and neither did his parents. That just sounds as if you’re trying to find a reason to find fault. How many siblings are there? I’m assuming you wouldn’t want the brother and the shouty girlfriend to babysit in any case?

It’s pure luck whether you get on or not with your spouse’s family. I am quite fond of DH’s parents, but they’ve never engaged with me, and would infinitely have preferred DH to marry the girlfriend before me, who was more their type of person. I overheard a neighbour asking MIL what I did for a living once, and, despite knowing me for 30 years, during which I’ve either trained for or done the same job, she didn’t know!

I go to their family things with reasonable regularity, but I don’t get upset about their non-engagement, or expect to find the events enormously enjoyable. We’re just very different people.

I married a man whose parents I did not like. Now divorced, I can reflect on the fact that if I were to be in that position again, I would never marry a man whose family I did not like - assuming he did. It means a lifetime of being uncomfortable or having an argument or him being upset/offended/defensive. As someone said upthread, marriage is about compromise and the older I get the less I understand the (MN) hardline of "Fuck 'em" and more about: if I married him in the first place, I need to suck it up a bit. I found it very difficult to be civil to people I did not like, but sometimes the compromise (or the moral high ground) is essential.

You sound like my SIL. I'd be interested to hear what their opinion of you is.

You don't have to like them, but your reasons for not liking them (apart from the girlfriend) are very odd.

I would definitely attend significant occasions-

Mil/fil significant birthdays/anniversaries
Nieces/nephews birthday parties
One Christmas event

Pick an amount you are willing to commit to ie 6 a year. Talk to dh and be clear you don't enjoy it and you are not willing to continue to do it to appease him but you will do X amount as a compromise. If he complains point out you don't insist he visits your family every single time .

Also suggest if say there's a bbq for mils 63 rd birthday you skip that but u dh and kids pop round later in the week for a coffee. If you want to avoid a row with his family explain your lack of attendance as busy at work/study/volunteering /big house job

The thing that I wouldn’t like is being ignored at the family gatherings, especially by your DH. Presumably he just goes off and talks to family members? I see why he would do that but he should also spend time with you and the DC.

Your other issues are just because your family is different to theirs. Big family gatherings are obviously their thing and not going out for drinks or popping in etc. I don’t really see why that’s wrong. Nobody else in my family aside from grandparents babysits my children either, I wouldn’t expect them to as they have their own lives.

EDIT: sorry I just reread your post and saw that your DH also only goes to see your family once a year. I guess that’s not ideal if he expects you attend his family gatherings regularly. Hard to compare as your family live much further away.

So he doesn't bother much about visiting your family, but expects you to always go with him to visit his @Tuliptimes? Nah, I wouldn't be doing that – it's either a compromise/suck it up situation for the sake of your OH, or it isn't, but whichever route you take it should be the same for both of you imo.

So this is part of it. My PIL want this illusion of everyone getting along and being a big happy family. if they see any signs of disagreement they will swoop in and say please don’t argue, you’ll spoil things, etc. We are definitely not the kind of people to let someone shout at our kids so have obviously responded and then the PIL come in and say ‘please ignore her, she doesn’t mean anything by it, you’ll spoil the party, you must all get along.’ To the point where we somehow feel guilty for causing a fuss. My DH says every time ‘I hope she doesn’t say anything because then I’ll say something back and my parents will be upset.’ I think that’s also another reason why my DC stay out of her way.

Yes, you’re right I guess that came out judgy when I don’t actually really care. They are how they are. I guess I was just trying to explain how they are with these gatherings, they don’t really bother with each other any other time but then it’s the end of the world if someone doesn’t turn up to a BBQ.
I’ve said that to DH before ‘Do your family even know what I do for a living?’ So interesting to hear you actually got proof that your MIL doesn’t!

My DH says every time ‘I hope she doesn’t say anything because then I’ll say something back and my parents will be upset.’

Your DH needs to say this to his parents then! He needs to warn them in advance that you will not be putting up with her shouting at your children and nor will you ignore it, so if they want to avoid arguments, they need to make it clear to her that your DCs are none of her business.