To leave my teenage son behind on days out?

[PrettyPleaseXo]

For context, I have a 4 year old DS who loves being outdoors and going on days out. I also have a 13 year old DS who would rather eat his shoe than leave the house when school is not on. He spends his days either on his PS5 with his friends or out with his friends or girlfriend. However, if I suggest that he comes out with us for a day at the beach or to the local lido he physically recoils and declines. I have "forced" him previously to come on days out and because hes peed off at being made to come he always ends up ruining the day by winding his little brother up and setting him off on a tantrum or just being vile.

Am I being unreasonable by just now accepting his refusal and not making him come? I swear it looks like I have one child on family days out photos!

We do!

We don't have to listen to the moaning, don't have to cut activities short, plus the amount of money we save.

We tried to force the kids for years & frankly, everyone was miserable. Now if they want to stay in their room, venturing out for food, have at it!

I'll be out, reclaiming my life of sorts.

Also he gets a choice to go. Sometimes he wants to go, other times he wants to do his own thing.

Yes, let him stay home.

It may just be a phase he's going through OP.

I have just the one child, a DS and around this age, he didn't want to do anything much . He would do the odd sports thing with his friends but aside from that he would be in his room on his play station . Always chatting with his friends but pretty much always online rather than in person .

It was a fairly short lived phase as by 15 he was into all his sports again and also spending time with me and our puppy .

Thank you so much everyone mainly for your reassurance as I have been struggling with guilt for ages now (even though I practically beg him to come!) He is definitely in the throws of puberty and I am just hoping he comes out the other side as a child who is sociable and actually enjoys activities again!

Op I do sometimes think people replying to these threads don't have teenagers.

I've got an age gap. 9yo and 16yo. Once eldest got to about 13 he stopped wanting to come out as a family. I did try to find lots of things that would interest him and often I'd force him to come out. It sometimes ended in misery with the teen complaining and spoiling things. I tried movie nights with a takeaway and sweets, teen was usually disgusted at the idea.

I sometimes managed a bit of time with the teen clothes shopping and breakfast out.

Eldest had years of being by himself and having 1 on 1 time plus being ferried around everywhere that he wanted to go.

I think you just have to find a balance. If you can, coax/bribe the teen out with food, or needed 'help' with the little one.

But I would feel guilty, it sounds like the teen has a good social life he is growing up and it's fine to leave him at home if he doesn't want to go out.

Wouldn't feel guilty rather.

All you can do is keep offering. Keep letting him know you love him and want to spend time with him even if it seems he isn't interested and doesn't care.

He'll remember that you were always there.

Teens are a difficult age, they want you and don't want you, need you and don't want to need you, feel like a kid and not a kid, it's bloody awful.

I wouldn't go through my teens again if you paid me a million quid!

Just carry on being supportive and have some non-negotiables even if he fights you over it eg some chores, one meal or activity a week with the family, just small things like that that yes he'll hate but they serve as a connection to family life.

If you feel he is becoming addicted to gaming then that is a problem and something you may have to take action on.

They do come out the other end and rejoin the human race in the end, I promise. 😁

That ^^
They always asked. Sometimes it was just "I'm going to the bakery, do you want to come and pick something?"
I would often go if it involved choosing a cake or a mooch around the supermarket

All you can do is ask and not be offended when they say no

I do think it's a real shame he has gotten to that stage already at 13 (mine is 14 before someone accuses me of not having relevant experience!) but he has a brother close in age so we can go and do things he enjoys more easily (usually cinema, bowling that kind of thing, although he does like beach and that kind of thing still too). If you've got anyone who can watch the 4 year old I'd make sure you have some time with your eldest too, doing something he likes.

Could you let him bring a mate with him? Or his GF.Then they can do their own thing without having to entertain a 4 year old.

Understandable.
Less Understandable is him ruining the day by winding his brother up.
That would be rewarded with a ps5 ban for the rest of the day.
Have you offered to take him and a couple of friends out somewhere.....not necessarily an expensive day out, a picnic somewhere like a beach or an inexpensive activity?

We always seemed to have teenagers mate tag along on days out.

I have a smaller age gap including a teenager. I would go for a 3-pronged approach. Some days out/activities are non-negotiable and just for family and if he spoils the day there will be consequences. Some are when he can invite a friend/his girlfriend along which will make it more enjoyable for us all (eg the local lido) as he can mainly be with the friend and I only have the younger child to watch. Some he doesn't have to come to as they're primarily for younger kids and won't be much fun for him.
Agree with trying to find something he wants to do that he will do with you (and that the younger one couldn't do) - for mine things like go-karting have gone down well and also planning to try i-fly.

To an extent it is a phase they go through. The novelty of having a bit of peace and independence is probably the strongest around that age. Things we have done is we all eat together one meal a day (unless someone is out), this is usually at the table, occasionally on the sofa.

Having a family WhatsApp chat - this will sometimes be just me sharing memes that the teens saw three years ago but it keeps communication lines open in a format which is fairly acceptable to both generations. You could include his nan in it too. Sometimes it is more functional - anyone need anything at the shop, other times it is just random memes or clips. Also sharing a pic of you out but without the expectations that he would be there. Encourage him to sometimes share something when he is out with his mates.

Coffee and cake seem to be a big incentive for my dc to come out with me, even if they have to walk through a garden centre to get to the cafe.

If you drive then a lift in the car is a good opportunity to talk because eye contact isn't needed and he can't easily get out, plus it gets him to see his mates sooner.

I think it’s ok especially if the activity is more geared towards the little one. However I wouldn’t be allowing to have friends or girlfriend over while you are out that could be a recipe for disaster!
Maybe once a week during the holidays let him pick the activity? He might be a bit happier to go if it’s something he likes. I expect there isn’t much he’d agree to that also suits his brother but maybe he’d go to like one of those parks with skating ramps, or bowling, an arcade type place, even just a trip to McDonalds?

I could have written this myself!! My advice is to persevere no matter how much you want to wring his neck.

My son is 17 now but in the past even the times he has moaned all through a day out and virtually ruined the day for everyone else, he later would say “I really enjoyed that day”!!

If we hadn’t had forced it, he wouldn’t have those core memories. It is HARD to put up with watching and listening to them moan and complain and almost ruin the day but in my experience and in hindsight it was totally worth it.

It is very difficult but equally possible to find days out which would accomodate both children. Even if they 'share the day' on occassions i.e. one activity for one another for the other

Pretty normal for a teenager not to want to have a day out with their four-year-old sibling.

My sister's ten years older than me and she didn't always want to come on 'family' days out, and my parents didn't make her. Sometimes if we were going to the sort of attraction she'd enjoy, but didn't want to experience with younger siblings and parents tagging along, my parents let her bring a friend or boyfriend with her, and they'd go off and do their own thing and then meet us again later in the day. I particularly remember her boyfriend at the time coming to London Zoo with us once, because when we met up with them to go home her boyfriend had very kindly bought me a little cuddly monkey from the gift shop!

My 13 year old will pick & choose the activities he does with us, he is always invited & will always be welcome but he knows what he likes; country park he’s usually up for if we take a football, beach he has no real interest in, theme park he’s there, zoo or farm you couldn’t drag him to if you tried. He does get up & do a parkrun with us on a Saturday morning however I feel this is so he has an excuse to lie in his bed for the rest of the day (and of course he won’t be seen running with us he flies off ahead & meets me at the finish for a lift home). There is 7 years between him & his brother & I find their relationship is better when they chose to spend time together rather than are forced & told “this is fun”. Although if he does chose to stay behind he has a list of stuff to get done (putting washing on & hanging it up, running hoover round etc) & will lose the option to stay home if he takes the mick & doesn’t get it done.

I’m in a very similar situation this year. I tend to pick a couple of things a week my teen has to join us on and then accept there will also be a couple of things (ie park or soft play) that he absolutely won’t go near. I then try and take him to older things like a dinner out just me and him or a cinema trip as an occasional treat as I’m conscious of not losing my connection with him plus he is great company!). It’s a juggle.

I have two teens:

15yo will sometimes go out with me if she can bring a friend. Spends a lot of time on her own in her room, or does things with friends.

13yo will go out with me if the activity is interesting enough, he's very keen on my company in general at the mo, but quite young for his age.

Obviously they like totally opposite things, so it's very rare we do anything all together at the moment. Just dinners where possible.

I ask them for suggestions of what they'd like to do, and invite both of them to come with me whenever we're going anywhere, but usually get declined. Just trying to keep it chilled and make sure they still know they are welcome.

I think you should have one day a month that is non negotiable for your family. If this is ruined by the 13 year olds behaviour I’d be stopping the things he wants to do, no gf visits, no PS5, no going out with friends. Family at this age shouldn’t be a choice. He also shouldn’t be ruining things for everyone else. There’s being an independent teen finding your feet through puberty and then there’s being damn right rude, disrespectful and hurtful.

So, 13 year old boy, in puberty, with a girlfriend, spends hours gaming, refuses to spend time with the family...

My friend had this set up a few years back. She decided she was too young to become a grandmother, so sulky teenager was dragged out too. 😂

I'd forgotten about this. He's now a normal adult. She's still not a grandmother😂