I’ve been this way really since childhood, happy to play with others, but was more than happy to play alone for long periods. I hated social gatherings and parties even then, my mum said when I got party invitations I’d sigh and exclaim “not ANOTHER party!”. I just wanted to be left alone to read, draw and play mostly, I was shy, but this was all seen as weird and abnormal by all the adults around me!
In my 20s I became a drunk social butterfly, drunk being the key word to make me believe I enjoyed loud places, socialising and that all these people around me really actually were my true friends. In work I also made the mistake of thinking people were actually also my friends, it turns out I was naive and way too trusting of humans, it turned out there are some horrid people out there.
Throughout my 30s I retreated more and more, I was still social but more guarded, but still too kind and shy and would let friends and family walk over me, it was this decade I really realised or in fact remembered that I’m a loner at heart (I prefer this term for myself, rather than introvert), I liked socialising enough, but started to really become almost angry if I didn’t get lots of time alone as well, it was a bit weird how emotional it could make me if I didn’t get that space.
Im 42 now, stopped drinking a year and a half ago, so lots of people dropped off my radar, I’ve finally found my strength to have everything exactly as I want it, I socialise a bit with the couple of true friends I still have, although we live far apart, me and my partner have found our comfortable balance of time together, and family has worked itself out so we all see each other just enough. As for the general population, well some are nice and lots are just weird, rude ignorant cunts that I just think ‘well that was fucking weird’ when I have a strange encounter with them, I just laugh internally and keep on going!