Aibu to talk to my teen about weight?

[WashingLine98]

Really conflicted here. Ds, 15 has put on a lot of weight over the past year. He was always a big build, not a typical skinny kid ever, but now looks for all the world like a grown man with a beer belly. It all got out of hand when he went to secondary and got control over his own food, stopping off for cakes on the way home etc. Also chooses carb school lunches over home made. We have a great home cooked diet but he craves sugar, fat etc and I've seen him stint on dinner to leave room for rubbish. All films are accompanied by family size chocolate etc. All trips into town with pals involves snacks. There's no mystery to it. He does a bit of casual sport and is actually quite fit, can hike up mountains and cycle for miles but the diet is awful. I'm totally torn, half the googling I do sez tackle it and the other hand sez I'm setting him up for an eating disorder if I mention it ! He's a gorgeous even tempered lovely lad, a joy to be around and quite young for his age, only really entering puberty now. He does self soothe with food, always did and he'd heading into an exam year which will make things worse. Help !

No I'd say something. Make it about health rather than weight though.

Where are these family size chocolate bars coming from? If there's no junk food in the house he can't skip dinner for it. Stop buying it.

Sez?

He buys it with pocket money. We only keep sweets in house at the weekend. The rest of us eat very well during the week with maybe chocolate or crisps in front of the tv on Saturday. But it's not a house with sweets on tap. He buys it and bakes it sometimes.

I have no idea how one approaches the idea of managing weight when it's affecting health with children & teens but I agree that you need to intervene somehow.

Wiser heads will be along, but maybe focus on the health aspect - not mentioning weight - of all the sugar & fat?

Forbidding food in bedrooms, only giving enough money for lunch & not for treats when at school, as well perhaps? Not buying family packs of chocolate & crisps so it's not in the house / or having them for film nights.

It takes a few days of not eating crap to stop craving it, the more you eat the more you want.
I won't buy it because if its in the house, I'll eat it!

I'd like the idea of not buying it but I have other family members with no weight issues who enjoy a treat on a Saturday and it would be tough to stop buying completely, as well as putting a spotlight on their brother. Also I feel he needs to manage a world where sweets exist, otherwise when he goes to uni etc he'll go wild.

I'd say speak to him. When I was year 7, so about 11 / 12 I was massive. Mum got us a family gym membership and made it fun - I became obsessed with that instead of food. I'm 30 now, been a size 6 and passionate about health and fitness ever since and I'm a foodie. I'm so glad someone spoke to me about it. I'd have been so miserable being overweight in school, it's brutal and only gets harder as you get older.

Where is he getting the money for all the junk? Maybe start there.

Stop having availability to it in the house, stock up on healthier stuff. I've really cut back the snacks in our house as our teen was like a hoover, instead we've always got a full fruit bowl and he can make things like eggs, toasties, pasta, wraps etc if he's really hungry.

Teenage boys are impulsive so if they have access to all of that stuff they probably will want to eat it. They also don't clock the long term impact. Unless they have great self control which isn't most us tbh.

I wouldn't talk to him about his weight, you'll make him even more self conscious. He is probably very aware of it already because teen boys are absolutely brutal. Instead maybe talk about making better choices for health.

🤔
Is he heading for a growth spurt?
They seem to have hollow legs and can grow inches taller in a year at that age.

I'd encourage healthy eating, make sure he knows how sweet stuff might affect his dental health but adopt a wait and see attitude.

It's not a growth spurt unfortunately, and not hunger. He doesn't even finish all meals.. just craves junk. He has braces and the dentist spoke to him about sugar but nothing subtle worked.

Can you announce a family health kick? During the summer hols you might have more control. Set a challenge for all of you to go a week without sugar (I’ve been thinking of doing this with my lot because we definitely eat too much of it). Make sure there are plenty of healthy snacks to hand. And add in a daily walk or something.

You are not setting him up for an eating disorder but if you choose to do nothing you might be setting him up for a lifetime of being overweight.

The good news is that if he hasn't hit puberty that will make a difference as he'll grow up faster than he can grow outwards for a while. That won't help forever if the eating habits stay the same.
We are a family of skinny people who can eat anything. DS2 was different and got chubby around 13. When I finally spoke to him he was actually relieved because he was feeling self concious and din't know what to do. We planned a healthy eating regime which didn't exclude anything completely. It worked well and he ended up a normal weight. He does however still have to work at it as an adult.

I think it is worth saying something now. I too would probably attack if from a health point of view. Could you do something like a family movie night on Saturday and save treats for then? So everyone eats normally during the week, then everyone can choose whichever treat they'd like for the movie?

Has he had his big growth spurt yet? You say he’s only really entering puberty now. In my experience of both my own boys and dozens of friends sons, they tend to fill out then stretch it all upwards when they grow several inches in a year or so.
I was quite worried about my youngest at one point but now he’s stopped growing he’s in great shape.
There’s no harm in talking about nutrition in general and promoting a healthy lifestyle though.

OP - my DD(18) has just finished her first year at uni and is home for the summer. Last night she was going out with friends and was wearing a crop top and mini skirt and I noticed she's developing a muffin top and pot belly.

She goes to the gym and has a very active waitressing job but, as they say, you can't out run a bad diet and DD is a carb addict.

I've booked a days leave next week when she's free (she's got such an active social life and is working a lot, I've literally got to book an appointment with her!) and I'm planning on going out for coffee (no cake!) and talking to her about her weight gain and how she can make more nutritious food choices.

Parents need to be able to talk to their DC without the threat that it'll trigger an eating disorder or mental health issues. We encourage our kids not to smoke, vape, drink to excess or take drugs - why not do the same re. UPF and sugar and weight gain?

Not ok

He does self soothe with food, always did and he'd heading into an exam year which will make things worse

This is the bit I would tackle. Help him identify healthy responses to stress/worry, not turning to the biscuit tin or junk food.

The rest of it will be much harder (if not impossible) if he doesn't tackle the emotional drive to eat.

Please please don't do this. It will be excruciating for you DD and make her feel terrible about herself. I can guarantee she already knows she's gained weight. It will make her more self conscious, make her feel like people are talking about her body and lower her self esteem.

By all means have a lovely mum and daughter day out, but don't have a conversation about her weight. Such a bad idea.

I wouldn’t worry about eating disorders, so many people struggle with serious consequences of being overweight or obese across Europe and the US that the eating disorder argument is quite shocking in this context, not to mention that his eating habits seem disordered already.

Can you make it about health? Do you as the family have a habit of eating in front of screens, and if so, can you put a stop to it?
We eat at the table in my house and snacking in front of tv is a big no-no, kids are not allowed to do this but the adults also model this behaviour and whenever we eat we eat at the table.

Absolutely agree and it's refreshing to see this point of view.

OP I have a teen boy. Although he's skinny we have noticed a creeping addiction to junk and sweets. We are cracking down on it because of the long term health implications. We are educating him about the risks. It's a mistake for parents to be frightened about this.

Please please don't do this. It will be excruciating for you DD and make her feel terrible about herself.

I know you mean well but I know my daughter better than you. We have a great relationship and can discuss anything. I know how to pitch it. She's got healthy self esteem but that will dissipate if she becomes overweight.

I think this thread shows why there are so many fat and obese people in the UK if parents are discouraged from discussing weight and nutrition with their DC.

The kinds of eating disorders you’re being warned about triggering (anorexia, bulimia) are far more complex than being caused by a chat about healthy weight. He does arguably have an eating disorder already - binge/comfort eating - and I think you’d be doing him a disservice not to try to help him deal with that.

As a previously fat teenager I would have loved to have a supportive mum who had a conversation like this with me, I didn’t and
although I’m a healthy weight now I have a terrible relationship with food.

Don't have the sharing bags/family size in the house, or if you do, portion it out as soon as you bring it home into sensible size portions into sandwich bags/a lunchbox of snacks each to last the week/weekend. When those run out, there are no more on tap at home.

Maybe suggest a family fitness activity/goal for the summer holidays. You could challenge each other to try as may Olympic sports as you can, and if you find one that he loves, really go for encouraging it on a regular basis. Or do an abridged 0-5k together and aim to do a parkrun by the end of the summer holidays, or find a local-ish "long cycle" or long walking route and aim to complete it as a family by the end of the summer in stages.