AIBU to want to "metaphorically" slap my BF's EX

[Imlikeabird29]

BF and I have been together about a year. Weve spent a lot of time together and he is a really great guy. Ive had some really bad BF in the past.

We went to a party last night for a mutual friend of his and his ex. She isnt a very nice person at all and is a self absorbed narcissist. Im so annoyed because of the way she treat my BF.

BF has no one really, only child and parents live other end of the world, too old to travel and they dont get on at all. He had his ex and a few friends really. He used to do everything for her, he listened intently to eveything she had to say, supported her through absolutely everything, listened to all her petty problems at work or family for hours and hours, was there at a drop of a hat (even leaving work) when she needed him even for really petty things like a falling out with someone, did everything she asked for and jeopardised his work as well.

You name it he did it.

In return if he spoke about anything she just glazed over, rolled her eyes, cut over him or dismissed him. Wouldnt do anything for him and just shouted at him. He said to me he once just responded all day saying "yeah" and she didnt blink an eye. When she rang she spoke that much he was able to just leave the phone and come back and she would still be talking!

If she did anything for him she would remind him over and over how great she was.

She gave more time and respect to friends at work, online people in games and chat. She could recount their whole lives but barely knew what my BF did for a living, if she was asked to provide more detail than just his job title she brushed it off.

Already feeling alone I dont think she supported or respected him at all. I think its really knocked his confidence and self esteem.

The thing that ended them was her cheating online, she was chatting to men and having 'fun'. She denies the whole thing but he saw enough evidence and called it a day.

Last night at this party my BF was civil but she just verbally attacked him through all these petty things at him. We left but I was so enraged not just because of the verbal attack but because of how she treat him, she had a good man and just treat him like dirt. Am i being unreaso able?

Another goady post .. it’s almost like they are being planted today. School holidays? Lazy Journalist? Reddit / Tattle fun? Who knows …

I think their relationship sounded awful, but it's always worth remembering you only have 1 side of the story. Someone spending all day saying 'yeah' on purpose sounds a big passive aggressive tbh.
However, lets say she was the absolute worst person- that is not going to change. She's not going to spend her days crying and wishing she'd been different, therefore it's time to accept this and move on. Perhaps taking comfort in the fact she's no longer in your lives.

Were you a fly on the wall in their whole relationship?

Two sides to every story.

Be thankful she was a cow. If she wasn't, you wouldn't be with him.
Plus, I'm a firm believer in, don't believe every thing your hear xx
But out unless she starts on you - in that case give me a shout, I'll help 😃

Well, what would she say? Your DP is responsible for his behaviour - didnt need to leave work for her if he didn’t want to. But most importantly, why do you know all this? What had your DP got out of telling you all this? Surely her loss is your gain? So why obsess over it?

I'm 100% sure that anyone my XH talked to heard how awful I was and how he was the hero of the story, and it's 100% not true. Don't believe everything you hear

Meh, 'horrible person' was horrible? Not sure why you're shocked.

Did you know them as a couple then? Because you seem to know a lot about their relationship.

I'd be horrified if my BF of a year spent so much time telling me the nitty gritty of his past relationship. I'd assume he'll be badmouthing me to his next GF.

I'd also assume her version would be different.

Are you dating his ex girlfriend? What do these supposed character flaws have to do with you.

What does all this say about your boyfriend? I wouldn’t find all this whining and victimhood attractive at all. He sounds like a bitter bore. Why do you stay?

On Mumsnet, it seems to be the norm to assume that when a woman tells you they’ve been treated badly by a boyfriend, you believe them and sympathise about what a shit he was, but when a man confesses they’ve been treated badly, we have to assume they’re lying or roll our eyes and say “There’s two sides to every story”.

OP, you are not being unreasonable to feel protective of your boyfriend and aggrieved on his behalf. My friend’s lovely, kind, gentle partner was emotionally abused and controlled in awful ways by his ex-wife and frankly I’d like to slap her, so I’m pretty sure my friend would too.

Same! In fact he tells people I’m holding up the divorce as I’m desperate to keep him, despite me being the one who left, I’m the applicant, he has to be served as he won’t respond before the court will accept he’s had the documents, him asking for extra time then letting it run out without filing anything, refusing to attend mediation twice, him owing me the costs and refusing to pay… He even says these things in front of my adult dd who knows the truth!

Be very, very careful OP, anyone who badmouths an ex to this extent is projecting IMHO.

What are you arsed? You've been with him for a year now.

You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about her. That can't be healthy for your relationship at all.

Just move on and don't go to places you know she's going to be. It's not compulsory to attend such events.

OP why do you want to be with someone so unassertive? He obviously has deep seated issues and puts up with anything thrown at him, going back for more. I'd signpost him to therapy and find someone with a backbone.

I believe everything my BF says without question because he's purrrrfect .....
Right oh.

What is happening with your bf's ex is called reactive abuse. He's baiting his ex and triangulating her with you. Your bf is a narc.

I agree with this.

You sound obsessed with her.

Very odd.

I'd say your bf has some boundary issues if he's told all this intense detail about his life with his ex. Then he still chooses to socialise with her, go to parties at her house?
You say she's terrible. Well why doesn't he stop contact with her then?
It all sounds incredibly messy and doesn't make your boyfriend look like the wronged hero. Far from it.