Phoning in LDR - am I being hormonal

[JennaRink]

Partner and I are LDR for a while, we are 6 months into it

He recently said he is keen for us to call each other more (we message multiple times a day)

So I've asked if we can do a phone call tomorrow either afternoon or evening and he replies 'Can do' and then starts talking about his fun night out and how busy he is

AIbu to look for a little more enthusiasm and/or 'yes sounds great I'll call you at X time?'

Or am I just being crazy and hormonal

He probably doesn't mean it the way you think OP. He's maybe distracted with his night out but will be more engaged when he calls tomorrow?

Just sounds lukewarm and bats the ball back to me to sort when in the day suits best

No way he'd have been saying 'can do' in the early days when he was bending over backwards to make plans!

I understand you OP

He's enthusiastic about his physical plans with other people but phone call with you not so much? Does he get excited about in person plans with you?

Anyone else?

He's now said he's talking to family at midday 'so it'll need to be before or after that'

The whole tone is winding me up like it's a burden to have to call. 'When would you like to talk?'/'Look forward to hearing your voice' etc was much nice and how he used to go about it.

It seems like you are trying hard to read between the lines so to find something to be offended about with what your partner is saying.

That’s not a healthy sign.

Maybe a LDR isn't

Maybe a LDR isn't for you?

So far the LDR has been going fine, he says making a big effort to visit and vice versa.

But clearly I struggle with elements of it. I don't want to feel like another task on his list and it sounds like he can't be bothered.

However I do seem unusually angry about it so hormones might have something to do with it...

Why are you making appointments for phone calls though? That's making it into a Big Thing and putting pressure on to be free and ready.

Just message each other as usual and call spontaneously when you've established that you're both sitting around doing nothing. My partner and I aren't LDR but we live apart, and find first thing or last thing (while we're both in bed) is the best time. We wouldn't set aside an evening for it!

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I see what you mean. So I told him to call whenever suited.

He said 'It will be quite late though so apologies' at which point I had to say no call me by 9 or 10 max. I've been ill with covid this week and need a good rest before work.

Again calling late, yeah, just doesn't seem to be a priority for him today for some reason. I have no idea why he needs to call late. Communication issue here.

I wouldn't be moaning at him.

Just give him the benefit of the doubt.

He has a life and yes you want to be a priority in it, but you wouldn't want him missing out on things to speak to you as you can basically do that another time as it's just a call and you message all the time.

So I'd suggest that you set up a time next week in the evening for you both for date night (I appreciate you will likely be in different time zones so you light both have to compromise on your ideal time).

That way it's set in advance on an otherwise boring evening so no excuse to not 'make the date'

Are you hormonal because you're pregnant? Sorry you have covid. No wonder you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself. I just wanted a cuddle when I had it.

Why don't you just call him? Why does it need to be pre-arranged with all this associated fanfare?

(I was in an LDR for several years and it used to drive me potty when my partner would make a big deal about me not calling, but never just picked up the phone themselves to start a conversation!)

So he said he was late getting home and wouldn't be able to call until later.

Five mins later he texts saying sorry I actually will not be able to call as it will be too late. I was out networking which is key for my job and not all the time.

He was networking last night too. It's key to call your ldr partner.

I'm really pissed that he said he would and has now made an excuse.

To be fair, you said not to call after 9?

I think you (plural) need to work on making calling a more natural thing. If you were living together you'd probably speak when he got home even if it was late and even if you were sick, so try not to put up barriers around that sort of thing.

Try a quick 'just wanted to say good morning and hear your voice' spontaneous call in the morning, take some of the pressure off!

I swear 80% of the time DP and I speak on the phone it's as a result of a butt dial. Most of the time it's inconvenient so it's a quick 'oh hello, love you' and back to messaging.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I think the issue here was miscommunication as well as having too rigid rules around calling like you said. And yes it would've been different if we lived together.

At first he said he could call anytime after 3 o'clock. Then he said he couldn't call until very late. Turned out he had been two cities away meeting new people - he should have just said.

I've been really poorly with covid this time. I'm understanding of work commitments but he hadn't told me his plans and if he says he will call I expect him to keep his word.

This all sounds a bit complicated. He should make an effort to call you regularly, but I also think that a phone call doesn’t need an arranged time and excitement in the lead up. When DH and I are apart, the person who’s away usually calls the other one last thing before going to sleep. Unless someone’s out and not in until late, then it’s a quick text ‘sorry still out, let’s speak tomorrow’. Saying this, if that’s the case every night then I wouldn’t be happy. But I think the two of you just need to find your own rhythm, without putting too much pressure on arranging calls at a certain time.

Thanks @Cinai we're still in fairly early days of the LDR part.

We don't call much so when one was missed it was a big deal. Because I was feeling so sick and low I'd have sooner taken a 5 min call to hear his voice than nothing.

We are talking later so hopefully we can agree to call each other more and in a less rigid way.

We are talking later so hopefully we can agree to call each other more and in a less rigid way.

I'd say just do it?
Literally, when he gets home and messages to say hey, how was your day?, don't message back, hit 'call' and tell him you wanted to talk for a change. Better still, make it a video call. Someone has to break this awkwardness!

I hope you're feeling better btw. Being sick makes everything feel worse, it's totally understandable that you're hankering for a bit of TLC and you really feel that distance between you.

You need to decide if LDR is for you because not everyone can do it. My DP and I were LD for about 2 years and even now due to work his time is split between here and where he needs to be for work so is still LD a chunk of the time. We've been together over a decade and it does mean not stressing about the small stuff or reading into things, but being direct. Sometimes one of us is very busy or in a bad/stressed mood but we're honest about those days, so that the other doesn't read into it, or that we accidentally come across as snappy.
You can't be rigid or lack compromise in these situations because shit happens!

4 months later and you are still having ' telephone call issues '...