…to ask if anyone can relate

[lunavista]

Hi!

posting here for traffic as I feel sad and could use your opinions. We moved to a new city a few years ago when we had DC. DH and I don’t have deep connections here but we have enough friends now after three years. Most of our lives here I was pregnant or on Mat leave. I am also a natural introvert. The city we moved to, everyone drives and I don’t. Never needed to, but I am learning now.

DH is a fantastic father and a good man. But, if I am honest, hadn’t been a great husband. There are just too many small but meaningful things that build up over time. But recently, he’s become worse. He’s become more focussed in wanting to spend as less time as possible, not just with me but in the presence of the dc and I together. He just keeps making plans that only takes him and dc out, and doesn’t include me. If I ask to come, he just makes it so stressful and awkward for me to leave the house that I feel miserable by the time I get in the car. Today I stopped the car and just got out in tears.

he doesn’t do this in overtly obvious ways but covertly, in subtle ways. For example, he would do nothing all morning to help organise us, will just chill till, leave everything for me to do, and then ten minutes before it’s time to go he will just say ‘ right, I am going to the car now’ and stand by the door. By this time I would get so flustered and would just leave in my flip flops or no jacket or forget to take something for the dc. It makes the experience horrendous. I feel so down about not looking right, not being well prepared etc.

for context: we both wfh. I think he’s just sick of being around me. Recently he said ‘ i find it sexy when someone has energy about things they have going on’ . This was In the contest of how our relationship isn’t what it used to be. Now, I am the main earner, I have nursery age dc, work six days a week, and I do more than my share of running the home. I have my own things going on alright. And I am senior at my work. But it seems that he doesn’t think I have ‘sexy energy’. How disappointing.

I feel sick to my stomach today. I feel like he sees me like a glorified help. And it’s almost as if he’s ashamed to be seen next to me, outside of the home. Objectively speaking, he’s punching (lol) but I feel like I am losing my confidence, don’t know what to do. Can anyone relate. What do I do? This can’t be normal.

sorry for long one.

So stop.getting flustered and carry on getting ready until.the agreed time to leave.
If he would then go without you he is not a good man or a great father, he's depriving the dc of your company.

Have a conversation the night before or morning of and divvy up what needs to be done to get ready. Take a kid each and get them fed and dressed. Whoever does it first then gets the nappy bag or the lunch or whatever ready. If you always do everything all by yourself, he may genuinely have no clue what needs to be done. If he continues to behave like this after you've had words about it, then he isn't incompetent, he's lazy and nasty. Next time just get yourself ready and say "ready when you are" and let him get the kids ready by himself.

Sounds like Edwardian Dad. Who does he think he is sitting there while you organise everything?

It sounds like he's treating you with mild contempt which doesn't bode well. I would have a conversation with him about his attitude and try to get to the bottom of it.

What an awful way to be treated. There's a lot going on there.

Can you explain why you don't stand up to him? You've agreed to leave at 10 so why does he get to announce you're leaving at 9.50? It doesn't have to be confrontational, just 'we've 10 minutes yet' or get yourself ready first then when he announces it's time to go give him a list of the kids stuff that's left to do.

I do agree that everything should be split evenly, but this would be a soft start on that. If you've always done it all and have never had a conversation you can't just be arsey that he doesnt pull his weight.

His comments are unkind, call him out every time.

It's odd that he wants to take dc out without you though. Does he or do you end up backing out because you've become upset or flustered? What's it like when you're out together, is it OK or is he still poking at you? Are you OK when out or do you still get anxious about things?

have you talked to him about it or is it the case that you both talk about it all the time so it’s not being heard? The being by the door ten minutes before going- dh does that too, I’ll be honest it’s really ignorant- it’s expecting you to have everything ready, he’s not making it awkward for you it’s literally just that you’re not ready because you’ve way too much to get ready! My friend has the motto that they have on the airplane, make sure you’re ready first- your bag and yourself, then see to kids.

Talk to him but also have a think of what you want in life. I’ve only started thinking about myself and finding me recently. I’m praying I have dh in my future but I’m working on me too as we all deserve to be happy. (I feel sick a lot lately worrying something like what you worry about too). Huge hugs and take care x

Thank you. It’s been a tough weekend. Sorry for lack of update.

to answer some questions:

of course I don’t just stress and get flustered. I continue to get ready, but, it’s hard when you feel like someone is glaring at you, as if you are a problem, instead of constructively try to get involved. That’s the problem.

appreciate the advice about having a conversation the night before. We haven’t done that. I will take that on board. Thank you.

I am so glad that someone used the word ‘contempt’ that’s how I feel. That’s is it. But I don’t know why I deserve that. It’s so sad.

have you ever felt that your DH or DP sometimes behaves as if you are an inconvenience or that they wished they could have the kids all for themselves? I don’t know if this is his intention at all but that’s how it makes me feel. May be I am just overthinking.