Come and be cross with me (domestic abuse)

[ElizabethCage]

I got out of an abusive relationship, I was pregnant and took my disabled son to a refuge miles away. We left everything behind and it has been so so difficult. It's been a bumpy road but we're now settled and doing well. So I started getting angry. How dare he get away with it?! He didn't have to leave his home or his friends, his life didn't change, he wasn't traumatised and needing therapy. So feeling angry and strong I report it to the police, he assaulted me, bruised my pregnant belly, had to go to hospital and now have a daughter who is disabled.
I'm feeling really proud of myself, what a strong woman I am, he won't get away with it! Well I just got a phone call and because I didn't report it within 2 years they're not going to do anything.
I didn't report it sooner because I was scared, had a very poorly newborn and I was bloody scared! I reported it, with evidence of him admitting it and photos of the bruises, just after 2 years when my daughter had her check up and I was told she's developmentally 6 months old and it's likely due to trauma in the womb. I also have scans from the hospital after I was hit that prove she stopped developing I the womb at that stage.

I am SO cross. Women can go through years abuse and instead of supporting them and prosecuting the abuser (who will likely continue to abuse his next girlfriend) we just have to say sorry I wasn't string enough to report it straight away, I was only in fear of my life silly me. Urgh, just a cross rant really.

I'm also very cross for you. Sending you the biggest hug xx

Well done for leaving ❤️

There should be no time limit with any kind of abuse because it's almost never reported at the time, always historical if that.

All the very best OP.

That's shocking, he should face the consequences of his actions. Is there any other action that can be taken? Could you speak with a solictor or your MP?
Well done for getting out and being strong for your babies x

I can press charges for gbh or attempted murder for my daughter as that doesn't have the time limit. Being beaten black and blue whilst heavily pregnant is only common assault so not important clearly!
I am thinking about it but it would take such a long time and I don't know whether to just try and concentrate on my new life even though he's trying to get contact with my daughter.

I'd press charges, the bastard. I'm so angry for you OP, well done for getting away from him 💐

If you can build up the strength to do that, then I really think you should. What he has done is appalling. He should be in prison and never have contact with those precious children x

I'd want to press charges too, I am beyond cross for you, I am raging that the bastard gets away with it. Well done for having the strength and the courage to leave him.

It's going to be difficult to prove that it wasn't the stress of the whole situation that caused the lack of growth and not the punch. I had a lack of growth when my Dad died and it was the stress. My DD has neurological issues because of it. Domestic abusers never get what they deserve. I'd concentrate on your life now.

Oh god I’m so sorry about your daughter. He should pay for that. Be kind to yourself though, this is his fault, not yours.

Yes that's the problem, I would need her paediatrician to categorically state that it's because of him. Lots has been ruled out, she's had mris and scans, an issue with her heart that sorted itself out but nothing yet that would explain her disabilities. We're waiting on genetic testing but all I have at the moment is the health visitor saying its due to trauma in the womb caused by him but legally I suppose that comes down to just her opinion

I can completely understand you being angry with the police (I'm furious on your behalf!) But is there any way of discussing with them whether the health visitor's statement is helpful/what else you will need?
Or is there a good DA charity that can advise you? This may be a specialist area, and I wouldn't know who to suggest.
Either way, I know the process is difficult, but if there is a way to do it, I would encourage you to really consider it. It may help your DD in the future.
So sorry this has happened.

Thats terrible. But no use being angry with the police- they do not create the prosecution time limits. Direct your anger towards the CPS they make decisions on prosecution time limits, and if there is enough evidence to proceed.

I'm not angry with the police, to be fair they were kind to me, I'm angry at the whole situation and angry that people can get away with doing horrible things

I'm so sorry for your situation, it's so wrong that the police will do nothing about the violence.

A health visitor isn't an expert in this area however, so I really don't think this is able to be pursued on the face of it.

@ElizabethCage waiiiiit ? So you had a son who you gave up because he was disabled and sent him to refuge ? And then you decided to have another baby with an abusive partner and now your daughter is disabled too ? I’m so confused , why did you give your son away for being disabled ?

If this is the case, I'd consider going to the media. Woman's Hour is always interested in this sort of injustice.

Bit confused as to whether it’s your son or daughter who is disabled - or both. If it’s both then is it likely they are connected?

If there’s an error in the op and it’s your daughter and you were beaten when pregnant then I think I would try to press charges on her behalf. Beating you in the stomach when pregnant shows a definite intent to cause harm to her.
Even if it doesn’t go anywhere it’s something you can refer to if your ex takes you to court for access or even custody

Maybe read the OP again?

i did multiple times , can you explain what I didn’t understand ?

She didn’t give him away they all went to the refuge together, it sounds like OP was pregnant with her daughter when they left.

Thanks , 😊so how did the son end up being disabled ? Was this from the abuse from her partners actions ?

OP explains that she already had a son who is disabled. She doesn't give more detail about her son's disability. She explains that she was pregnant with a second child. Her husband assaulted her causing serious injury, so she took her son and went to a refuge. Later, her second child was born and she was told that the assault during her pregnancy had caused her daughter to be disabled.

Okay understood thanks , but now it’s left me wondering could this be connected that both kids are disabled ? Maybe genetic disorder ? Seems a bit rare to have 2 kids in a row to have disabilities . Yes I understand the partner abused her with the daughter in her belly but what about the son’s situation ? Could be linked to something else

If you can find the strength to get him prosecuted for attempted murder of your daughter in the womb OP, then personally I would go ahead with it. He doesn't deserve to get away with what he did to you, and that in itself is disgusting, but you thankfully survived with no major long term damage from it (I say that, tongue in cheek, as obviously you've been traumatised by what he did to you), but your poor daughter has suffered, and will continue to suffer throughout her life, he therefore should be jailed for it. No one who deliberately hits a pregnant woman in the stomach, can justify it, and he should pay the price.

I would never give up a child! As pp said (thank you!) Myself and my disabled son went to a refuge. I was heavily pregnant at the time.

I don't think anybody chooses to have a baby with an abusive man. I had known him for over a decade, it was years of breaking me down which I only recognised after having therapy. If I met him and he punched me obviously I would never have been with him but unfortunately abusers rarely let you know what they're like until its too late.

My children have different dads and there's over 12 years age difference. The disabilities might be linked because of myself of course. I went to hospital after being hit and all of her measurements were taken. When she was born, she was the same exact measurements that had been taken. It was a traumatic labour needing her to be resuscitated (which could be the cause) she stayed in hospital for 2 weeks, she had brain mris and heart scans at 10 weeks old so everyone has known there's something not right since she was tiny, it's trying to work out what it is and potential cause. Sadly we've been on the waiting list for paediatrics for 18 months and have only just had an appointment. She's 2.6 has just started to walk, she waddles like a duck, no speech at all, doesn't respond to her name or being spoken to, hv and doctor initially thought she was deaf because she's so unresponsive. Hopefully we will get some answers but I don't think it will be linked to the assault even though I think it was that due to her not developing in the womb.