to think that DH is manipulating these situations

[notatallsureaboutthis]

He often travels by air without me, for work. When we fly together, we are usually holidaying. A couple of situations have come up recently that have made me question his reasoning (internally).

1. Went on holiday for a week a few months back. Towards the end of our holiday, I developed an eye problem and had to remove my contact lens from the affected eye. The morning that we left, I could barely open my eye, especially in sunlight, and it was constantly streaming. My vision is -6 so I cannot drive with uncorrected vision. I had said to DH very early in our journey that he would have to collect the dog from the dog sitter when we got back. On the flight back, he started drinking, and reached the point where he would be over the limit to drive on our return. We had arranged an airport transfer which took us home, but because he couldn't drive I then had to put my contact lens in my sore eye and drive over to collect the dog. (I have since got new glasses!)

2. DH is away from home in the US on business until early next Sat morning. Two days before that, I am leaving to travel to see my parents, by air. He is joining me there on Monday. Some weeks back, when he was booking his flight, he said that he was concerned about feeling jet lagged and having to fly and then drive, so he booked a flight for Sunday, with an overnight hotel near the airport. On the Monday morning, he will collect the rental car and drive the 4+ hours to my parents' home.

The dog pick up is the second time that he has said to me after a trip that I should pick up the dog, and he won't come with me, as he knows how pleased the dog will be to see me and he won't 'intrude' - he will wait at home and fuss him when we get back.

My thought is that he doesn't mean this at all, and what he actually wants to do is drink on the plane, and if he does that, I will have to fetch the dog (I don't drink, never have). I'm thinking the same about the flight booked for next Sunday - if he flew on Monday he couldn't drink, as he would have to collect and drive the rental car. If he flies on Sunday, he can drink on the plane and he'll get a cab to the hotel.

To set the drinking in context, he drinks when we go out (about once a fortnight) and several evenings at home, such as two G&Ts and a glass of wine. I don't care if he drinks, but I feel manipulated and I would much prefer he was honest with me. The dog pick up when I had a painful eye was particularly annoying and it was only then that I started to wonder whether he was spinning me a yarn. I can't do anything about the flights for next weekend (and saying he doesn't want a 4 hour drive while potentially being jet lagged isn't unreasonable) but I think I'll call it out next time we travel together and he nominates me for dog collection again on the grounds that I'm DDog's favourite human.

You sound like the only responsible adult in your relationship..

Well, only you can really know whether his drinking is a concern.

I'm blunt and would probably say, 'You appear to be manipulating situations to cover up your drinking habits. Would you agreet that's the case, and do you think you have a problem?'

You'll at least make him aware you have concerns about his behaviour.

You don't need to get blind drunk or even have a drink every day to have an issue with alcohol. Sounds like there is a minor dependency for alcohol is some situations. Normally it wouldn't be an issue but making you drive with a bad eye is a bit of a red flag. Either for a bit of an alcohol dependency or for being a dick. Not sure which.

He is a selfish twat that much prefers alcohol to being an adult or a partner.
The eye incident is deliberate and unbelievably selfish.
Not a man to have children with.

Have you argued about his drinking before? Does he drink to excess and/or have concerning drinking habits the rest of the time?

I can only see two reasons he would lie: he’s worried about getting in trouble with you or causing an argument or he’s covering up excessive drinking.

@Lmnop22 I am very relaxed about his drinking - perhaps more than a drinking partner/spouse would be. So no, we haven't ever argued about it. He's an adult and he makes his own decisions, but there are sometimes occasions when his alcohol-related decisions impact me, such as these.

Is he perhaps afraid of flying and drinking to get through it?

Next time he makes one of his excuses: “Bollocks, you just want a drink on the flight. I don’t mind but the excuses are getting silly”.

If he denies, the flight after that get in front of it: “What’s your reason for not being able to drive after flying this time”? Cute giggle.

Does the dog have to be picked up the day you get back?

When he ordered alcohol on the plane didn't you say to him that he has to drive to get the dog?

Then that is weird and I would probably be concerned too. Particularly if you asked him to drive to get the dog because of your eye and he couldn’t stop himself drinking in order to do that for you. That sounds like he can’t just simply say no and stay sober even when specifically asked for a very good reason.

The other occasions are a bit more ambiguous like staying overnight was probably the sensible choice and it also facilitated him having a few drinks. Also, if you’re feeling well and don’t drink anyway he might as well let you get the dog if you don’t mind if his preference is to drink. But then why not just tell you?

I would look out for him covering up drinking that might be getting out of hand. He sounds like a relatively heavy drinker and I would be looking for extra empties in the recycling/hidden in the home or other signs of someone who may be high functioning but struggling to control the urge to drink alcohol excessively.

With example 1. Did you not say “no DH you can’t have another drink can you, you have to drive to collect DDOG?

I wouldn’t have put my lenses in, I would have told him to pay for a taxi to collect dog.

Second example is a bit complex for me to understand (dyspraxia) but you know the man. If you think he has a problem with drinking maybe you should discuss it with him?

Yes, if we get home at a reasonable time and that is what we have arranged and paid for - she has them at her home and if we don't take him home on time it can impact her other bookings as she's very much in demand.

@notatallsureaboutthis can you explain why you didn’t intervene when he carried on drinking when he was supposed to collect the dog?

At -6 how don’t you have glasses as a backup

I’m -3 and would need glasses to watch tv and switch microwave in and things like that

On the flight back, he started drinking, and reached the point where he would be over the limit to drive on our return.

When you saw him drinking, did you not remind him that he has to drive when he gets off the plane?

If so, what did he say?

Does he always drink on flights?
Is he a nervous flyer?

I'd start drinking on the plane before him just to be petty

I do also wonder if he has a fear of flying and is medicating himself with alcohol to get through it hence that driving him to ignore you and drink anyway as it is his habit to calm himself. Or he is just a selfish twat.

Time for a chat with him OP to see which it is.

I think that he's entitled to have a drink when able to. As long as it's him out of pocket for any extra bookings. Who wanted the dog? We always pick up on the day after we get back. You should have back up glasses. Neither of you get to decide, you need to work out a compromise.

I did challenge him on the flight back - I reminded him that I didn't want to drive, but it was too late by then. He didn't have an answer really (I'm a selfish twat, would have done).

I had glasses, but they were very out of date and my contact lens prescription (multifocal) is much more accurate than my old glasses were. However, my glasses, or lack of, were not a factor in him choosing to drink on the plane.

And there is definitely no fear of flying - this is a man who has Platinum airline status, has been on eight business trips and two holidays this year so far, has two more trips within the next month, and has over 60 nights on his Marriott Bonvoy account and it's only July! There isn't much he's scared of and flying certainly isn't an issue.

Is he often quite selfish?

He sounds quite irresponsible really although I can see the second example with the jetlag makes more sense

Why didn't you say to him on the plane when he was drinking that he had to drive later to get the dog?

It doesn’t solve the actual problem (selfish drinking) but next time book the dogs visit for one extra day and have him pick the dog up sober