how to approach mum’s disordered eating

[normalfood]

My mum is mid-50s and her relationship with food is getting increasingly batty as she gets older. It has always been a bit atypical (we didn’t have a microwave growing up, she was on the UPF train in the 1990s, so I would say in general it has had its benefits in the past, but now it’s truly mad).

She regularly skips breakfast and lunch and then has a tiny bit of salad for dinner but will come to my house and make a beeline for the fridge and complain of having a “hypo” and get mad at me for not having snacks in. My partner and I don’t buy them! We eat proper meals and there’s fruit if you want it. She isn’t diabetic, she gets low blood sugar because she is skipping meals constantly. Like multiple times a week.

There is also a constant fixation on food: if you go out somewhere new for dinner she’ll order a starter instead of a main (but because she is a normal human she’ll get hungry and pick at yours, which I don’t actually have any issue with because I’m pleased she’s eating). But then she’ll spend hours talking about her stomach, how she feels, being bloated, being unable to lose weight, eating too much bread… it’s this constant chatter about the food before, during and after. Every meal is an event. She gets stressed by my sister ordering too much. She goes on holiday without budgeting for eating any meals and then gets upset about the cost of food. My brother still lives at home (he is early teens) and is suffering because he’s a hungry teenage boy and she doesn’t do enough shopping and when he tries to eat a normal portion she tells him he’s greedy. She doesn’t pack lunch for her demanding job.

It just seems to be a real source of stress for her, and I’m also worried it’s impacting my siblings. How can I help my mum build a healthier relationship with food and encourage her to eat consistently and properly? She seems to be getting worse.

She does sound incredibly annoying. If she wants to starve herself and behave in this ridiculous way around food then that's her lookout - and to be honest at the age of 50 odd you're going to have a massive job to turn this around.

But not having enough food for a child and telling him he's greedy for eating a normal portion, just now. She needs to stop that shit right now.

Just shut her down when she starts wittering on about her disordered eating. Do not engage with it. Do not respond to comments. Or repeat "I'm not discussing this with you" or similar.

She has an eating disorder and needs therapy. You need to step in for your brother and make sure there is food in the house for him and explain her way of eating is abnormal not his!

Does she struggle with money and cutting right down on food expenses maybe because she doesn't value good food and doesn't see her son's health is suffering?
It sounds like she herself has a very, very poor diet - her problem.
But this is directly affecting the health of one of her dependent children- this you should try and address head on. Tell her straight she isn't feeding her own child properly. A teenager, especially a boy, needs tons of food. Especially if they do regular sports activities.

Is it just her and your brother in the house?

I know somebody who sounds a bit similar, constantly talks about food and how she is so full from a midmorning piece of cake she won't need anything until dinner. She does sound like she eats more than your mum though and it isn't affecting anyone else, in fact she likes feeding other people. I have come to accept that she has a long term difficult relationship with food and that there isn't anything I can do about it unless she decides to change herself. I don't challenge what she says, just make non committal noises and talk about something else. When someone has years of disordered eating I don't think it's likely to change without professional input. So please be realistic about what you can achieve. You wouldn't attempt to provide therapy if she was depressed or treat her for a broken leg.... Sending sympathy though, it is difficult.

thanks all

@Branster he plays rugby! Yes I think some of it is financial, but we’ve never been massively financially comfortable and she wasn’t like this when I was younger

@Misthios just her and my brother. She used to eat better when my dad was around because he expected a full dinner on the table and had a physically demanding job, I think now they’ve split it’s harder. My dad has actually picked up on the food issue but she responded very poorly when he tried to raise it

@Danascully2 you’re right that she needs professional help. We have been trying to push her to get therapy (for lots of things, actually not for the food stuff, this is one thing in a many stringed bow of depression) but I also think the lack of food and dysregulation there can’t be good for mood either

Do you think she might take this (much needed) conversation better if you come at it from the angle of being worried about DB as he's always hungry? Maybe point out to her that you were fed much more as a teen and he's a boy playing sports, etc?

She's seeing all of your eating through her lens and it sounds like it's skewed enough to impact on him. He could end up developing eating issues himself off the back of the constant monitoring and restriction.

Eating disorders often develop as a need to have some control. Could the divorce be the cause of her issues worsening, rather than her age?

In terms of helping your brother, depending on what level of rugby he's doing, could you get a suggested weeks' meal plan from his coach? (Or from a sensible non extreme online source for sports nutrition, I have no idea where to look for this but maybe others can suggest?). Would your mum be motivated by helping him to achieve his sports goals? I think professional help for her eating would only work if she is willing to engage so again you may have to accept that isn't an option currently if she is in full on denial that she has a problem. So personally I would focus on helping your brother. But I know it isn't that easy. Good luck.

Can you include your brother in a few of your evening meals for the time being, until you have had chance to talk to your mum and get her to sort things out at home?

I do know from my own experience, it did take a bit of adjusting to, when DS was around that age and went from generally eating a smaller portion than me, to suddenly eating a bigger portion than me.

Your mum may not have realised that he needs more food and may take it on board as soon as it's pointed out.

Your mother is emotionally and physically abusing your brother.

Telling him he is greedy is psychologically and emotionally abusive. Denying him food is physically abusive.

I would be telling her this and suggesting he either live with his father or that she directly gives him child benefit money so he can buy his own food.

If not I would be telling his school, if he hasn't already and social services.

Her own food issues are her own to deal with but she is letting them hurt your brother.

You need to do something about this.

Can your Father step in regarding your brother?
I don't think you alone can sort out your Mother's disordered eating, but she cannot be allowed to inflict it upon her son, or leave him hungry.

If you cannot get help within the family I think you need to speak to SS.
This cannot go on. Take the fact that it is your Mother and her disordered eating out of the equasion, and you are simply looking at a child who does not get enough to eat.

It’s annoying having a mum like this. My advice is to leave her to eat what she wants but speak to her about your brother. If she has to cook proper meals again, like she did with your dad, she might naturally eat a bit more.

Sadly I could have written the same about my mum and she is 78 and still food is a drama. Looking back to my childhood it always was and I think she has some influence on my own lifelong eating disorder.

I don't think there is anything that can be done having lived for so long like this. I guess the biggest problem would be the influence on your brother, that is worrying if he is hungry. My friend recently said to me she remembers we never had any nice food to eat at home. Hopefully he won't develop his own issues with food. My own teen boys seem to be totally fine and unaware of my bulimia (35 years of it). They have excellent eating habits. We have lots of food and snacks in our house.