To want (autistic) DH to think before he speaks?

[AnnonymousMum]

I will start with this as I think it's relevant. DH is autistic (diagnosed). Sometimes he can be really rude to me, his impulse control is poor and he says whatever comes into his head, even if that thing will hurt me. I've learnt over the years that it's so much better if I ignore it and don't react. Most of the time I can be rational about this and leave it and move on, and sometimes talk to him later on when we're both calm. Some days (like today) I'm just getting really fed up and want to say something. But I know it won't help. I need an outlet for my frustration! I know it's a bad example for the kids, but it's not worth leaving over. They both know it's not ok, DD is also autistic but is more empathetic than her Dad I'd say. I don't know what I'm asking really. I know it's not ok but I have no idea how to solve it. I try to 'grey rock' any rudeness which helps but leaves me feeling powerless and miserable. There are lots of great things, and he can also be really lovely. I am not going to leave him over it. I just want him to be a bit nicer to me. He says he shouldn't have to 'watch his words' around me but I think he should of it's something which upsets me.

I'm assuming that since he can't help it, that he's the same with the children and colleagues.

this isn’t what you want to hear but I grew up with a parent like this. It did so much damage to me to have this relationship modelled to me and took many years for me to understand what a healthy relationship is and a lot of money on therapy. If you don’t want to leave him you need to jointly learn how to communicate respectfully and apologise when this doesn’t happen

And I will add that I also knew it ‘wasn’t ok’ but it still had a huge impact on my future relationships

Ah, male entitlement and being autistic can be a dreadful mix.

Men seem to think they don't have to change anything about themselves and that women should just adapt around them.

I'm autistic, and I'm careful about how I speak to people. I'm aware I can be blunt if I don't run my words through a filter before I speak them, so I do that.

Everyone does that, really, because how we speak to each other is important.

Your DH should be doing it too.

Pretty much. He works from home with minimal contact with people. He's a bit better with the kids but I have to step in a lot.

Is he aware he’s being too blunt (outright rude)?

Not sure this would work for an adult, but DS is autistic and I did him some credit card sized flash cards. If he was struggling but could not find words to say explain, then he would show me the red one, for example, which had HELP printed on it. The Green one had I AM OK. The was one that said I NEED A HUG. There was a one that said I AM SORRY.

I also had a set with different messages on. The red one had NOT APPROPRIATE on it, so I could show him that if he did or said something inappropriate, but without having to actually say anything. He responded to this quite well.

Would this be something to consider? Or would he find it patronising?

Alternatively I would just say "that's not really appropriate, can you rephrase that" every time he said something unpleasant. I wouldn't do it from a "telling him off" point of view, but to ensure that he and your children realise that it's not OK.

Examples?

Being autistic isn't a free pass for him to say upsetting things to you. OK perhaps he doesn't realise sometimes, but you should point out every time he does it, then he needs to apologise. But he's being arrogant about it instead isn't he? That's not on. Don't tolerate this arrogance.

Threads on here about autistic (or ADHD) children getting told/taught how to manage or change their behaviour end in many people ranting that this is forcing autistic people to mask and this is the worst thing ever and will end in long term awful mental health issues and breakdowns. So in the long run we'll likely see much more of this as no one with a diagnosed condition is taught not to be rude to others.

I'm autistic by the way and don't agree with this at all. I fully believe ANYONE should be taught to manage behaviors that aren't good towards other people regardless of any diagnosed conditions.
I used to have many undesirable behaviours towards others when younger. I'm quite frankly surprised I had any friends. But between them being honest with me, my mother and me learning about myself and techniques to help I'm much better now.
I still sometimes automatically want to say or do certain things. But whether you want to call it changing my behaviour or masking, I do not do them. Because I want friends and to have good relationships with people. And I don't want to hurt others.