My friend going on and on about my partial deafness -I think it’s bloody rude

[bagpuss90]

I’m partially deaf in my right ear - it doesn't stop me functioning at all. I do struggle sometimes if there’s a lot of background noise. One of my friends goes on and on about it. Examples - saying to people “you’ll have to speak up - she’s deaf”. “ This is to people I’ve never met before . “Will you hear the doorbell as you’re deaf?”Eh yes . ,”Will you enjoy the cinema as you’re deaf? “ Of course I will- it’s actually very loud. “I could insult you all I like as you wouldn’t hear me” Ffs.Every time I see her she makes at least one - sometimes several comments about it. .I do mention to people that I might have to ask them to repeat stuff if there’s lots of background noise. .I’ve asked people if I miss things and don’t realise- they say not. So AIBU to think this is just plain rude anyway?I might add she speaks very fast and quietly . I’ve heard other people ask her to repeat things. A mutual friend told me she thought she was really tactless and rude. I wouldn’t dream of going on about someone being partially sighted or whatever . If we’re in company I find it really embarrassing . I’ve said I find it annoying but she still goes on. She’s very sweet really but bloody hell …

I am not entirely sure why you are describing this person as a friend?
Have you challenged her on her behaviour? What did she say?

She's extremely rude.

Od say to her again when you do x and x snd x it makes me feel really uncomfortable

When we are in a group setting I'm happy to tell people of my disability if necessary. I know you're only trying to help, but I'd prefer to explain this to people myself

I'd try to keep it as light and breezy as possible though.

She’s not a friend. She’s putting you down.

I have and she says - yes but you are deaf. She actually has a very very kind heart . She is just so tactless it unreal. It really got to me yesterday . It actually made me feel stupid tho I know that’s ridiculous

I disagree she's got a "very kind heart."
No she hasn't, otherwise she wouldn't keep banging on about it every time you meet up.
You're not stupid and once or twice if it came up naturally in conversation, ok, but all the bloody time?! Deliberate.
Bin her off. Find friends who make you feel good about yourself instead.

She is passive aggressive. She speaks fast and quietly so she can force people to concentrate to hear her.

I think that you should keep telling her that you find her tactless and rude, in public, when she makes these comments.

I found that with people who deliberately speak quietly, I saw something that they can't hear, and then starr laughing. It gets them at their own game.

Yes it's very rude. As far as I'm aware raising your voice is not especially helpful for people with hearing impairment, speaking clearly and facing them is usually more effective.

It's not just the comments she makes but her speaking for you to alert other people about your hearing impairment as if you are unable to navigate this for yourself.

If you've already told her and she keeps doing it I'm don't know what to suggest. Not sure if it's any comfort but if she did it front of me I would think she was a bit of a dick.

When she says, "My friend is deaf youll have to speak up," say "excuse, my friend, she is tactless and rude".

It sounds like she's socially inept rather than intentionally unkind or rude.

Have you told her to stop it? Very clearly and with no tactful pussyfooting around...just 'Jane, stop mentioning that I'm partially deaf. I don't like it.'

BeachParty
Thank you 😊

She's not sweet
She doesn't have a kind heart
She's not your friend

Tell her pack it in, if she wants to prove the above is wrong.

If she doesn't, then ditch her. You don't need people like that in your 'friendship' circle.

Just ask her to stop doing it.

“Mary, I’ve noticed that you bring up my deafness every time we meet. I find it irritating and rude. If you’d like to be helpful, you could make an effort to look at me when you speak to me, speak at a slower pace and louder”.

user1471554720
I never thought of that - but i think that’s right . It does force you to concentrate

NuffSaidSam
I think that’s exactly it- she’s socially inept

As someone who is also hearing impaired people seem to think it is a disability you can make fun of, my stock response is would you do that to someone who was in a wheelchair? Mock their lack of leg use? Or pretend to feel around if someone was partially sighted? No they fucking wouldn't.

She isn't a friend, she is putting you down. Tell her to stop immediately and if she carries on stop seeing her.

I'm also partially deaf and if there's any background noise at all, I'm unlikely to hear you. If there's a plastic bags rattling (or similar) then I definitely won’t hear. I certainly don't announce it to every new person I interact with! Only if they've had to repeat themselves, I then inform them as to why.

I do have to remind my own mother, after 39 years and 11 months, she still forgets every single time but that's a new thread.

When she says, "My friend is deaf youll have to speak up," I’d just interrupt “Mary, I don’t know why you keep telling everyone that I’m deaf when I obviously can hear you talking right now. I have heard you mislead x amount people over the last few months and have asked you to stop.”

If you want true nuclear id follow up with “are you the one who is deaf?”.

if she tries to argue that you are deaf just say that you have mild hearing loss in one ear that has no impact on your daily activities and that you’re genuinely puzzled why she is behaving like you are profoundly deaf and in need of accommodations.

When she says things...."please excuse X she seems to think my hearing issues have affected my brain and I can no longer speak for myself or decide when I need to"

Can you spell it out to her very clearly.

Look Sarah, I'm partially deaf in one ear. I can hear most things, if I want or need people to know about my deafness, I will tell them myself. Please stop speaking for me, I am a capable, competent grown up perfectly able to speak for myself.

You telling everyone we meet about my deafness is awkward and embarrassing. Please do not mention it again unless I bring it up in conversation.

I'm 59 and have always had part hearing problems since as far back as I can remember.

Mostly the right ear. I won't wear any sort of hearing aid as I don't like things in my ears so have learned to cope somehow over the years.

Loud noises confuse me, like blaring stereos in supermarkets etc. and people who speak quietly or through muttering ... I ask them to speak up but a lot don't so they expect me to engage in a conversation when they KNOW I can't hear what they're saying properly!

This woman sounds absolutely awful and totally in love with herself. I wouldn't classify her as a ''friend'' and I'd dump her fast.

She actually has a very very kind heart .

A bit left field but does she think she's being kind by mentioning it to save you having to do it yourself? She thinks she's looking out for you? So you could start a coversation with her that begins 'I know you mean well but...'.

(Alternatively when she says it in company you could reply 'Oh yes, and please excuse my friend if she doesn't sit down. She's got piles.')

Pick on one thing about her and mention it repeatedly every time you see her. Ideally as soon as she opens her mouth

"You always wear blouses. You look like an old woman. Well have to walk slowly because you're an old woman. Everybody, no dancing, it hurts her hips and also her blouse will get creased. Are you sure you want to go to the cinema in case you lose a button and can't find it in the dark. I bet you cry when the power goes off because you can't iron your blouses. And you love your blouses."

She isn't sweet. She's an a**e.

Well I’m so glad it’s not me … thanks everyone for your kind comments

I agree with the others - you have to be firm with her and repeatedly firm. Turn it back on her in the moment 'Good grief, Sarah, I can speak for myself, I'm not THAT deaf' or learn sign language and start signing Eff off whenever she starts!