Wish I had different parents

[Sayingitstraight]

I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard not to when I see SM posts on mothers days, fathers day, birthdays and Christmas of my friends with their wonderful parents. I wish I had wonderful, loving and kind parents but I don't. Anyone else struggle with the parents you have?

@Airworld I understand. When my mother dies, my lack of upset will confirm to relatives that I'm ''cold-hearted'' (cold-hearted was what was always said to me when I didn't instantly do what she wanted, or ''think of the kids, think of Dad'')

Weird how the way I have to show my love in the family is to abandon myself. My Dad doesn't talk to me either, because I ''hurt mum'' Over the years I've had him saved in my phone as ''The Victim's Foot Soldier'' or ''He just works here''.

But when my mother dies, I will have worked through the grief and my composure will come across COLD HEARTED (just like her mother said she was)

Yes I too wish I had better parents. I remember being very young and wishing I had accidentally been swapped at birth and one day my real parents would find me. I held onto this fantasy for years. I’m in my 40’s now so all hope is lost!

my parents are very cold and unloving my needs and wants were never important. There are so many horrific things they have done and said. One of them was when as a 22 year old I finally confided in my family my cousin had sexually abused me from when I was about 7 till I was 9/10. I told my sister only as her daughter was starting to spend time in that house and I wanted to protect her. I still remember my mum calling me screaming and telling ne to call my aunty as my cousin is upset and my aunty is upset, not once did my mum ask me if it was true what my sister told them or if I’m okay. She told ne to call them and say I’m sorry that I lied!

she then told extended family that I’m spoilt and I make up lies for attention. Most believed her but a few rang me and told ne my behaviour makes total sense now and they’re sorry for not protecting me.

when I do occasionally call my mum she always mentions my poor cousin and aunty are all alone now and some relatives no longer talk to them because of me.

Yeh, I'm getting a bit harder of heart too.

But initially, when my mum tried to bring me back to heel, one of the first accusations levelled at me was ''you're cold hearted''. So it took me a long time to get to a place where I could feel relaxed (not even the right word) about her seeing my so called cold heartedness.

I would like to think that most of my friends know that the problem is my mother, but I've realised recently that I have a friendship with a woman, a good person and certainly her view of herself is that she's a good person. Where our approach to a decision has differed, her belief is that her choice was the sensible one and mine was dulally. Or where I think something that's happening is a big problem and she thinks it's no big deal, her absolute certainty is that Im wrong and she's right. I really dive deep on things when I look into them, when they matter. So something about her CERTAINTY that she is Sensible/Right/Kinder is really triggering me, there's a dynamic in that friendship that is like me and my mother. I don't know if that happened by chance or if I offered up that dynamic to somebody.

My other friends get it though.

That must have been so hurtful, I'm so sorry.

"If you could"?

You can. You can sell up and move and let them "fit" all they like, and ignore them. Not saying you should if YOU have reasons not to. But you could. You're giving these two WAY too much power.

I can't, really..at least not right now. I've just started maternity leave and will be off work for the next 12 months. I do like my job and I know there's nothing closer to work that I could afford. It still would be in the same area.
So the idea is to think a little more long term. I'd like to move back to the coast, perhaps Denmark or Ireland. If I really wanted to push it, possibly Spain or Canada. I do have to think of the two little people as well, though. Also, if DH and I have shared custody, he can prevent me from moving abroad. I could stay in the country and just move within but I'm not sure I want to stay.

What I have found over the years is that social media is a load of fake bull that bears little or no semblance to everyday reality. In addition all families have their challenges and difficulties. There is nobody I would wish to swap places with.

I do think extremely rich families have it the luckiest though.

Please know that much of what you see on social media is rubbish. Of course people have good relationships with their parents, but not everyone, and not all the people who are saying they do. Read Mumsnet for support instead - over the past few years it has given me so much information and clarity on my mother and her behaviour. I've learnt coping techniques - grey rock, information diet etc - but mostly that it's not just me. It has undone a lot of the gaslighting as I have read about other people's experiences. As I've got older I've changed so much, now that I'm not her minion (I'm 47!), but it's still confusing and upsetting. I try very hard to be a different sort of parent to my daughter, but worry a lot that things will change as she gets older (that I will be more like my mum and ruin our relationship). I have also learnt to spot other people who are just like my mother and to avoid them, although repeating patterns has caused me problems in the past. I'm so sorry things are horrible for you right now, but I hope you're managing to enjoy your children and know that you have amazing insight to be a great mum yourself.

I've not identified with a thread this much ever.