My 3yo son and I had a lovely long day at the park today. Things were going pretty well until shower and bedtime, where he was running around refusing to get into the shower. At showertime he was raining punches and smacks on my stomach and legs despite me telling him to stop. Then when teeth brushing he shoved his book in his face, blocking the way for me to get the toothbrush into his mouth. I wasn’t reactive because I had other things on my mind so it was easy to detach myself from what he was doing. He can be extremely lovely and helpful so he knows these are unacceptable ways to behave, especially as I constantly correct and model appropriate behaviour to him.
Bedtime came around and usually we have a story and a few silly games. However this evening I was a bit fed up and said no, we will not be doing any stories or playing our games, if you choose to behave nastily to me then we won’t have our nice bedtime routine. I hugged and tucked him in pretty nonchalantly. He moaned and cried loudly for several mins. When I went back in he said nobody loves him or wants him. I said “No, I and (family members) love you very much, but that behaviour is not on, and the consequence is no fun bedtime. People will not want to play with you if you are rude to them. And just because you don’t always get what you want, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” I tucked him back in and told him I loved him again, he was still upset but went to bed quietly after that.
I have heard “you don’t love me” from him before. It’s still surprising and worrying to hear. The “nobody wants me” is new. Am I being too harsh on him, or too curt? He is a very anxious, sensitive and bright boy. He frequently has difficult and defiant behaviour at home, and so there can be friction between us, but lots of “rupture and repair” happening too. He is told he is loved every day, and showered with hugs and kisses.