Grandparents

[ThisFancySnake]

AIBU-

My mil has my sil daughter most evenings in the week and almost EVERY weekend, during this time she takes granddaughter on holidays in her camper.

Now my problem is that she’s never offered to take our children who would LOVE to go. She doesn’t as much as ask about our children, declines invites when we invite her round for food as she’s always got her other granddaughter.

I am starting to become increasingly more bothered about this as she constantly sends photos of granddaughter enjoying their weekend breaks together.

My Partner is not confrontational, however he’s just as annoyed about this, how do I approach this situation?

my concern is that as my children get older they’re going to notice

Could you not just talk to her and let her know that your children would also love to go along if she's able to take them? Perhaps she doesn't want to intrude and is waiting for a signal from you that it's ok?

Let your partner deal with his mother about it, why should it fall to you?

This is your partner's problem if he doesn't care enough to speak to his mum about it then why should you? My inlaws clearly have favourite grandchildren and the others just make it a running joke now they are older.

Wow, I can see why you are upset and resentful re this. Complete contrast of her involvement with your SIL's child and yours. I think an initial tactful conversation is required, instigated by your partner

I understand that your DP is not confrontational, but honestly this is not your issue to deal with. It's his.

If your partner is annoyed about it then he needs to bring it up. As the above poster suggested, say that your children have seen the photographs and would also love to go on one of the trips.

Do you get on with her ? I don’t believe it’s just up to your partner to bring it up with her . It bothers you too so why don’t you bring it up with her . After all , all adults . You don’t have to be confrontational. .

What does she have the grandkid so much??

I was in your shoes.. Ils simply had no time or energy for our dc. Sil had 6. Dh never said a word against them... I backed away and took my dc with me.

Oh I totally sympathise with you, OP. We have the exact same with my MIL and SIL. DH has raised with his mum several times but nothing changes so we’ve just accepted it for what it is now.
My 3.5 year old DS is starting to realise now too - just a few weeks ago he asked why his cousin gets sleepovers at Nanny’s (on pretty much a weekly basis) but he doesn’t get any. It’s just so sad but she is the one missing out.

My Partner is not confrontational

What does this have to do with anything?

He's capable of adult conversation though, yes? 😳

Ask the grandparent how they'd like to have been treated like that as a child?

I think even that would fall on deaf ears. DS and SIL child were born within a few weeks of one another and we’ve had this battle since day one sadly.

I had similar in the end I stopped making the effort. Now it's up to dh to keep contact/ arrange visits and buy pressies. The result is we see far less of them

I thought that.

I wonder why she has your little niece so often. It's nice for grandparents to look after their grandchildren sometimes and to give them treats but from what you have said, every evening, weekends and holidays, it seems over the top. It makes me wonder if your sister-in-law has some problems necessitating grandma stepping in. She may not want to talk about it, it is personal after all, but your husband can probably find out tactfully, bit by bit, from his mum and his sister. That would also explain why she sees your children less, she might be worn out.

Just a thought, I could be being fanciful but there are usually reasons why things are the way they are.

I think that when a grandparent makes no attempt to be fair, they don't deserve to be in a child's life. I'd never put my kids in a situation where they were witnessing constant favouritism towards their cousins. I just wouldn't expose them to it - kids deserve to feel loved and valued, not be made to feel lesser, by the people who should want to spend time with them!

I disagree that this is solely your husband's problem to deal with - it affects your children. My dc wouldn't be spending any time at all with her and I would say that until she stops making my dc feel 2nd class, that's how it will stay.

My DM did similar with my DN as my two got older it was like rubbing their and my nose in it.

I expressed my opinion several times and she had excuses and it didn’t make one jot of difference.

I've been in this situation myself, and also seen so often with friends and family, that grandmothers more often than not will put a lot more effort into their relationship with their daughters children than their sons.

It sounds like the 'golden child and scapegoat' dynamic - one child is the favourite and gets better treatment. Your SIL is the golden child.

My friend said to her inlaws; l am not going to stand by and see you favour Susie over my kids. If this continues to happen and my kids are not involved or brought along you will not see them at all. It's completely unfair and its not going to happen. They are getting hurt by your neglect and l am not putting them through it. Grandparents were shocked enough but things changed. Ironically those gc are grown now and it's the neglected ones who are helping the GPS in their old age and no sign of the golden kid.

How many kids do you have and how old? It's much easier to take one child than have to supervise more than one, does the camper fit the number of children you have, and are the ages similar or quite different?

The other thing I'd need to know before knowing if you're unreasonable is why your MIL has the other child so much. Is there some sort of circumstance (that maybe you don't know about even)? Does she want to take GD or does she feel she has no choice due to circumstances?

All things being equal though, it's not fair and a conversation with MIL might help. It might clear up if there's anything going on that is driving this that you can accept, or address the issue if there is blatant favouritism going on.

For context, both me and SIL have two children, both of similar age. From what I can gather SIL constantly asks MIL to have children. Which in turn does mean that MIL has less time to spend with my DC. However, I feel MIL should perhaps make time for my DC, even a little message just to ask how the children are would mean the world

Yes he is, however he doesn’t want to get into an argument which we both feel would turn in to one. Me personally couldn’t care I fell out with MIL (if that’s what it come to, so that she can acknowledge that she has completely ignored my children for the past year). But I would not want my partner to fall out with his family over this.

I think your husband could gently say it is a bit hurtful that she appears not to. be interested in his children. I wouldn't call that confrontational. Time passes quickly, your mother-in-law may not realise some of this and might well want to put it right.

It's a pity that sister-in-law is constantly plonking her kids on her mum, I do wonder why. My mother and my in-laws were very involved with mine but not to that extent and we never took them for granted. We appreciated and did things for them.