To not understand why my toddler is doing this?

[NotUnderstandinggg]

My 3.5 year old DC just started at the childminder's. DC attends school nursery, but that is term-time only and part-time, so when I go back to work full time, DC will need to go to the childminder's for the other weekdays, and in the holidays.
The childminder is lovely, she takes the kids on all sorts of outings and has a house stuffed with all sorts of lovely toys. My DC really likes her.

My DC has only been twice, and gone in happily both times. However both times, when it was pickup time, DC threw a major tantrum. Kicking, screaming, struggling when I scooped DC up. I am utterly mortified. DC has never been like this about leaving nursery. DC loves nursery, yet skips out of nursery happy to see me at the end of each day.

I asked DC why they behaved that way at the pickups at the childminder, and DC says they don't want to go home because the childminder has lots more toys than we have at home. I have explained to DC that it's okay to feel sad about it being the end of the day with the childminder, but that DC can't be kicking and screaming as it is upsetting for the childminder and for the other children there. I have explained to DC that if they behave like that, the childminder and other children won't want to play with DC, and that if DC does it again, DC won't be going back.

Any tips for discouraging this very strange behaviour? Honestly, from DC's behaviour at pickup, you would think DC was being taken somewhere awful, not home to family who love DC. DC is usually such a well-behaved child, so it's a total shock.

It's not strange. It's just a toddler. I wouldn't worry a lot.

It's really not that strange. Lots of toddlers struggle with transitions. Has the childminder never experienced this?

My worry is you're being OTT and making this a bigger deal than it is. Just distract him/her instead of insinuating nobody will like him/her!

My now 23 year old DD used to do this and it was mortifying! She was just enjoying herself and didn’t want the fun to end. Maybe ask childminder to give your child some ‘warnings’ ie mummy will be here in 10 minutes, or something so it’s not such a sudden end to the fun.

Pre-warnings from the childminder, and then just ignore it, quite frankly. My daughter did this but quickly stopped when she learnt tantrums don't make a difference.

I have explained to DC that if they behave like that, the childminder and other children won't want to play with DC, and that if DC does it again, DC won't be going back

Well that was silly to say wasn't it! What if they do it again next time, you're still going to send them!!

Can you give the childminder some warning when you're, say, 10 minutes away so she can have DC in shoes/coat/bag ready to go rather than pulling him away from the toys as soon as you get there? She'll be able to give him a 5 minute warning and hopefully he won't tantrum for her

He’s still so young. New toys are exciting if he’s only been there twice I imagine. Maybe the childminder could try giving him a 15min and 5 min warning that it’s nearly pick up time so it’s not such a tricky transition?

My DD went through a phase of doing that at daycare. Sometimes they have a hard time with transitions. Don’t overthink it. I just used to laugh and say at least I know she likes it here. Then carry her out quickly. She stopped doing it soon enough!

It’s normal behaviour. You’re very lucky that your son has never been upset at having to the leave the park, his friend’s house, granny’s or other fun place. This is exactly the age where he’s learning how to deal with emotions like disappointment that he has to leave.

It’s not strange behaviour at all it’s totally logical behaviour through the eyes of a small child and they have told you so. All those lovely toys and play time vs going home for tea and bed.

it’ll settle particularly when they realise they can come back again on Monday or what ever.

do t punish them for it and don’t bribe them with anything either. Just ride it through.

my now 31yr old was virtually clinging onto the walls when she had to do half days for a week when she started school- certainly didn’t want to go home with me. We solved it by getting her adored nursery teacher to collect her and take her there for the afternoon instead. I felt totally unwanted 🤣.

It’s not that strange, toddlers kick off over ridiculous because well they’re toddlers!

and that if DC does it again, DC won't be going back.
don’t do this, just pick up and ignore the tantruming, threatening something you can’t follow through with won’t help.

As said above they're struggling with transitions.

Imagine you're at a party having a great time and someone comes and says 'you have to leave right now' - you would find that hard work so it's not surprising that a young child would struggle too.

There are ways to help them - do you always come at a set time or is it variable? If it's variable it would be good to let the childminder know when you're on your way so they can prepare your child.

Otherwise keep it breezy. You can acknowledge what they were doing that was fun (briefly - you were having fun playing with ....?) and reinforce it's time to go home now. Let them know when they will be coming back but remember they are still too young to fully understand the concept of time.

It's still a new process for them to learn - they will get it soon.

Where does it say the childminder is confused by the behaviour? It's the mum causing a fuss.

@NotUnderstandinggg don't make threats you won't carry out. Don't tell them no one will like them. Message the childminder with your ETA so she can help the child wind up their game and get ready for home. Swift hand over and leave promptly.

I don't think it's unusual or worrying either. She's at prime tantrum age and doesn't want to leave somewhere she's enjoying. You don't need to threaten or cajole, just get her out of there and move on. She won't always do it.

Would childminder allow DC to choose a toy to bring away and return next time in exchange for another?
Could you secretly buy toys from charity shop & leave at childminders so DC thinks he’s getting a special toy to look after?

I dunno, no experience, just trying to think outside the box.

Are you going to stick to your threat of not letting him go back if he does it again? I’d just be glad he likes it there. This too shall pass.

Distract. Shove a snack or a 'goody-bag' (bag with toy in it) into his hands as soon as she brings him out, plop him in the buggy and go.

He's had fun so he doesn't like leaving. That's it. I've carried my older DC out of many parties and other fun occasions in a fireman's lift, ignoring his screams as I politely thank our host.

This would firmly be parked in ‘ignore until it passes’ for me. I would actively avoid making a big deal out of it. He’s 3, he’s emotional. It’ll pass.

Where did I say the childminder was confused?