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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Residence Order - Please help, totally frantic!!

13 replies

Asgoodas · 13/04/2008 20:32

Please help, I am going out of mind with worry that I will lose my grandchild. My daughter has recently come back into her son's life after 16 months. I have encouraged her all the way as I feel he needs to know his mum. She started off really well but the visits have become last minute and only once a week. She was supposed to come today but didn't, claiming she got the text late and had been involved in an accident. Fair enough, but she then asked for him to be dropped off at hers, 3 miles away - at 4pm. I refused as we were having dinner etc.
Words were exchanged and I told her she needed to put him first, and stop bragging on face book about her wonderful social life and that she is able to earn £1000 a week lap dancing. I told her this makes me sad and upset as we are skint and unable to go out because we our money goes on childcare and we have no babysitter (or money actually!)
Since then she has text that she will take me to court and take him off me. She threatened to cause me all sorts of problems actually, but this is the one which worries me. She earns a small fortune and all our money is taken up paying childcare (for GS) and living in general - no luxuries.
We have a residence Order, and have had one for 2 years. She has given us some maintainance since she came back but doesn't pay if she hasn't seen him that week.
Can she really just take him away after 16 months of no contact? Please advise me mumsnetters, I am going mad with worry.

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 13/04/2008 20:36

If you have a residence order she will have to go to court and put up a very strong case to get that changed - I think she doesn't have a leg to stand on and to be honest I think it all hot air - she can't be bothered to come and see him so why would she want the responsibility all of the time?

Print off the bragging about lapdancing though - that wouldn't go down well infront of those stuffy judges!

Original poster

Asgoodas · 13/04/2008 20:42

Thanks Twinkie1. She wants to see him whenever she wants - and not see him when she is too busy. IYSWIM

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 13/04/2008 20:56

I wouldn't be scared Asgoodas. Her current attitude to him is hardly showing great commitment so that's not going to impress ANY judge. They would want to see a long period of stability, gradual increase in contact, good quality contact, etc etc etc before they made any changes

I would say go to a solicitor just for a short consultation - they will probably be able to reassure you greatly.

Triggles · 13/04/2008 21:09

And document everything. When she visits, what maintenance she has paid, any of that. It often will show a pattern.

Original poster

Asgoodas · 13/04/2008 21:11

Thanks HG, I will have the day off tomorrow and make an appointment.
I feel so betrayed as I thought looking after him, rather than him going into care, was something she would appreciate and that it would help her to have time to get it together.
Maybe I shouldn't have ctiticised her today, just left well alone.

OP posts:

ranting · 13/04/2008 21:13

Go to see Citizens Advice, they can talk you through what she can do and (more importantly) what you should do and what your rights are and the best way to counter her arguments if you need to. It won't cost you anything and will probably put your mind at rest.

yorkishbirdy · 13/04/2008 21:13

Agree with Triggles, even if you don't think she has a case it is worth writing down every little thing (including nasty comments about/to you/gs etc) as there may come a time when you wish you had it.

As mother she has the right to ask for residency returned and she will have to jump through hoops to get it - but in the process you may have to jump through quite a few too. It is always good to have dates, times etc listed - along with names of anyone who heard/saw what happened.

I hope things turn out for the best all round xx

Original poster

Asgoodas · 13/04/2008 21:19

We are still going through the court process as GS dad wants ontact. We have a Cafcass worker and plenty of court records where she was 'unavailable' and absent from her son's life. That should help shouldn't it.

Thanks so much for your comments

OP posts:

ranting · 13/04/2008 21:22

Yes, if it's all documented by an outside agency then all the better for your case, I should think but, for your piece of mind, I would still go see CAB. Just so you know if there's anything else you need to do and what to expect, should she carry out her threat. It won't hurt to be well prepared.

Original poster

Asgoodas · 13/04/2008 21:30

She shares a house with other girls (rented), has a mountain of unpaid debt which she has ignored for 2 years (so has no bank account) and works cash in hand. I am the only member of her family that has kept the faith , I feel like an idiot. I believe she will carry out her threat. It won't cost her a penny will it? Legal Aid will help her but not us.

OP posts:

MrsDanvers · 13/04/2008 22:12

I think you've got a very good case for keeping your GS but it's very important to keep records of everything that's happening as you'll have something solid to go on in court. good luck

Judy1234 · 13/04/2008 22:29

They would need a court order to change the existing order. I would think the father would probably be allowed some contact. Is there any reason he should not be?

Kitti · 14/04/2008 18:11

Totally agree with everyone here - you have got to document everything from now on and anything in the past you can remember. She probably doesn't have much chance but she sounds bitter and immature and since she doesn't care about you or her child she probably would put you through that nightmare and unfortunately because she is the mother she would be listened to. You would have to jump through hoops even if at the end you are proven to be the better carer (or she simply loses interest) - it's be an emotional and draining experience for you and chances are that she'll continue to make life difficult for you. I understand you want her to have more involvement but it would actually be eaiser on you and your GS if she didn't. As he gets older he'll understand more what's going on and all the times mummy says she's coming and never shows and you'll be the one left to deal with this emotional fallout.

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