How to feel annoyed and not let husband know

[Moneybags1]

Wanted to go to an event that’s over 3 days booked out in the family Callander with my husband so he could make sure one of those days he was free. He’s self employed and now has work commitments on all 3 days so we can’t go for one of those days at all. It’s a yearly event and I haven’t been able to go for years due to illness first year I can and i was so looking forward to it. I’m really upset I have to miss it again but I know how hard my husband is working to provide and start a new business which is actually taking off so well that he’s busy every day. It’s ruined my weekend as I’ve spent months looking forward to it but if he doesn’t fit in this work it’s going to impact the company. I can’t bee annoyed at him as he’s the hardest working person I know. I have looked at going alone or with a friend but my partner will need the car and transport will take me an extra 2 hours which isn’t feasible. Every weekend he’s busy which is annoying as we can’t plan anything. He’s hoping to employ someone next year so things will ease but until then how can I can stop feeling sad when we have to miss things. I know how hard he’s worked and is working to provide for us so I can’t be annoyed at him as he’s working all the hours to make this a success. I’m obviously sad we can’t go but can’t let husband see this as he’s so stressed and got enough on his plate with out having to make me feel better.

If you’ve got a good marriage you can be honest. He should know you’re disappointed, if he doesn’t you should tell him. How many other things are you missing out on and for how long while he puts work above everything? Is the business making money or are you supporting him while having no social life?

You can be annoyed; it was important to you and he didn’t prioritise it. I’ve been in the same situation and it’s ok to be annoyed at these things. Tell him (obvs without shouting) that you’re upset and annoyed and that you’d like a balance even when he’s building up the business. Honestly you need to do it now as otherwise in 10 years he’ll be saying the same thing

He’s totally supporting us his business is earning money I have my own social life but together we struggle to find time to do big things on the weekends. We spoke about how we couldn’t go and if we could try make it work so he knows I’m sad I can’t go but I guess not the full extent. I realised there wasn’t much point dragging it out as I know he felt bad we couldn’t go and is already under enough stress with out having to think about me being sad. He can’t change anything we tried to re jig things but it’s not possible. He’s the hardest worker I know and with out him we wouldn’t be affording to live.

@Moneybags1 why can't you go without him

Do you have children? If not, I don't understand why you can't just go.

If you really wanted to go I would say just live with the extra 2 hours on public transport. Better than feeling annoyed for an entire weekend. Or hire a car for the weekend.

Is it something that he's interested in going to? He might rather work. YANBU.

I would tell him in a calm way. "I understand you work so hard and you need to work, but I am really really disappointed it has worked out".

To be honest though, I find it hard that he could not have work boundaries for even 1 day of a specific weekend with months of notice. Nothing can be that critical! It sounds like he's a workaholic or didn't realize how important this was to you.

Can you hire a car for the day? That way nobody misses out.

sorry I wasn’t clear it’s an extra 2 hours with public transport on top of the 2 hours it already takes to get there so I would have to spend 4 hours each way. I’m currently still not 100% illness wise so could mange 2 hours but not 4. It also currently wouldn’t be wise to go that far on my own due to my illness.

Just hire or borrow a car then??

I’ve considered hiring a car but the cost was extremely expensive. I’ve looked at all the options of ways to go and it’s not possible I’m also not quite 100% so in the very unlikely event I had a funny turn I could easily get in the car and bee driven home.

I think you should speak to your husband about this and tell him that you are really upset to miss this event - he might be able to come up with some solutions to get you there e.g. I know my husband would drive me there even if it meant a 4 hour round trip for him; consider paying for a cheap hotel room so you have somewhere to go if you feel unwell etc.

He might also know someone that would go with you.

but if he doesn’t fit in this work it’s going to impact the company

This sounds like bullshit. Having just one of those three days off that he had months notice for would make or break his business? I think he just didn’t want to go.

If you really can’t afford to hire a car (he’s working loads and this is important to you - both reasons to stretch the budget) could he borrow a car? Or if he’s working on a single site, he gets public transport, or you drop him off early if he needs equipment. You use the car, and if you’re not well, delay coming back.

It sounds like he isn’t bothered about going and doesn’t want to miss his work just to be on standby to drive you around if you don’t feel well.

Could you take the car, and his business hire a van (possibly cheaper)?

You feeling sad doesn't mean he's wrong. You're allowed to be disappointed AND understand why he's not going at the same time – and you're allowed to say all of that.

"I see how hard you're working, and I'm proud of what you're building, and I'm also really sad that it means we can't go to this event"

One doesn't negate the other – and telling him doesn't mean he has to make you feel better. My guess is, he already knows you're sad about it, so stuffing it down just puts up more of a barrier between the two of you.

Reminds me of a quotation I often return to when I catch myself trying to hide my own feelings:

It’s not bull shit it wouldn’t make or break his business but it’s money we can’t afford to not have and sit. Out doing what he’s doing it would potentially end what he’s worked towards so far. This client has been incredibly difficult and we are finally at an end. He would happily drive the 4 hour round trip if he could but he’s got work. He also drives from place to place so I can’t drop him off. We’ve looked at all the solutions. He’s also sad he can’t go but we both agreed that we can’t afford to miss out on this money.

He has tried to move the diary around so his appointment was 1st thing and we could go after but 1 half of the client can only do a certain time.

If it is only one day your husband can't go, you have the other two to enjoy.

As this a one off and important to you, can’t you hire a car (Zipcar is good value) and go by yourself?

Well, I'm sure my husband would know if I'm annoyed and vice versa.
Honest talk.

You’re allowed to be annoyed and upset and it’s ok for him to know. In fact it’s important so that resentment doesn’t set in in your marriage.

It’s the way you put it across that’s important too. Calm and clear. But swallowing down your emotions is no way to live. And neither is neglecting your relationship to get a business up and running, If this is a once a year thing that means a huge amount to you, that’s he’s know for ages and that you can’t get to for health reasons, I’d be bloody furious at being patched. You sound very passive. I do get that setting up a business requires sacrifice. But what’s the point in burning the relationships around you while doing so.

I'd been living like this for 30 years until he had a heart attack and realised what he had missed ...in SE there is always something that needs attention....he needs to properly block out at least one day a month and treat it like a business commitment that can't be cancelled.

He knew the dates.

He ignored them and your feelings.

I don't think he wants to go and is using work as an excuse.

It's a once a year thing. He should take you. Anything else is bollocks. I don't see how he can't do this another day. Why must it be in that exact day?

It’s the only day that would work 1 client is very difficult with times and this needed to be done by next week other wise the other client wouldn’t have been happy. I work part time with my partner and know how difficult this client can be with days he’s free. Honestly after the day ive had I wouldn’t have made in around the event due to becoming unwell so it’s actually a good thing we didn’t go. Still sad to miss out but I think my body just needs a weekend of doing nothing.