Mum emigrating with new man

[NewNameShame]

Will try and keep this concise but there's background that I think is worth noting.

• I'm 35, just had my third child a month ago
• Traumatic childhood, my mum left my dad for another man when I was 3 and my sister was 1
• Moved us out of our family home and into his flat, he was an alcoholic and sexually abused me when I was 6
• I told my mum at the time and nothing happened, it was swept under the carpet
• She had a baby with him but then left him when I was 10, he shortly died from alcoholism
• She then married another man and had 2 further children
• She then left him for someone else that didn't work out
• When I was 29 I spoke to her again about the sexual abuse and her comment was "maybe he just thought you were me"

And then went on to tell me that she was sexually abused by her father

• she then decided to press charges against her own father
• long story short, it went to trial, I spent my 30th birthday in court listening to the details and saw him get sent down
• family broken by this and lots of estrangement

Fast forward to last year, she meets a man a wedding, she is now moving to America to be with him, leaving her 5 children behind.

She has however convinced the youngest, my brother to go to uni in America so he is over there with her.

Don't know why I'm posting this, but I'm confused by my feelings, particularly because I'm 4 weeks postpartum

That's awful. She let you down repeatedly in the worst ways.

She doesn't deserve to have you as a daughter. If she moves away, as hard as it is, that is her loss which she is choosing to make.

You poor thing. This much pain when you're 4 weeks post partum must be so heavy.

You're caring for your baby's physical needs, but give your inner child some love.

There are some good meditations, guided meditation on youtube.

As a mum of 3 you must be so busy, but I hope you can find time to show yrslf a lot of self compassion. Xx

Thank you for your response ❤️
I feel so sad for my children losing their grandma, and so disappointed she can walk away from us all for a man she has known less than a year.
But then again I think it's healthier to have her at a distance.

Dear God. You possibly don't realise how incredibly traumatic this upbringing has been for you. But that story is so utterly tragic. I appreciate your mum is a victim. But what sort of a mum has she ever been to you? I imagine you will not be an abusive parent despite your own hideous upbringing.

I'm so sorry you experienced this and were robbed of the chance to have a normal mum.

Have you ever had counselling. It might be helpful if you're struggling with your feelings.

I grew up with a narcissistic / sociopathic family. It really is incredibly destabilising. In some way, her being so far away may be a good thing.

Really on the fence about counselling, I'm scared of it taking me back to that place I've undoubtedly suppressed, and it being several steps back before I make a step forward.

My horrible childhood has made me a bit of a control freak of a parent, but being the best mother I can keeps me going, and knowing I'm breaking that generational trauma

My DH didn't have an upbringing anywhere near as challenging as yours but his father left when he was a kid and never bothered with contact. When we had a baby it brought up so many feelings for him. He adored this new tiny child we had and he found it so hard to think about how his father had treated him.

You've been through awful times but having a new baby you love so much it's probably bringing into sharp focus your mother treated you, just when every instinct you have is to protect and cherish your child.

I hope you have support and love in your life and get some help to work through this. 💐

I think it is made worse by the fact that I've just had a baby and I feel so fiercely protective of my children.

She's throwing a leaving party for my brother and is hiding behind him going to the US for uni.

I'm dreading it, I feel like a ticking bomb.

Pretty certain she assumes she will be welcome to stay here too when she comes back for visa reasons