Video calls during funeral

[Moonlighting]

My wonderful granny passed away recently. She had been living with my parents for 24 years and my mum was her only child.

A cousin of my mum (on my granddad’s side) turned up to the funeral. We had an open casket, and during the religious part of the funeral this fella starts video calling other members of my granddad’s family to show them my granny. I’m certain that she (who took pride in her appearance till the very end) would have been mortified. I tried to suggest he stops but he just ignored me, my parents and sister were in bits and barely noticed.

AIBU or is this unacceptable behaviour? I’ve never heard of anyone doing this before but when I told my friends etc. no one seemed as outraged as me…

That is a very weird thing to do.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my gran last year too and would have been horrified if anyone had had a phone out during her funeral (and we didn’t even have an open casket). Horribly tacky and disrespectful. He could easily have sent his friends and relatives a lovely picture of her looking her best.

Sorry for your loss. I don't necessarily think it's disrespectful. If people couldn't make the funeral then I can see why he did it. In terms of you saying your grandma took pride in her appearance...I understand that but what's the difference between guests who were physically there seeing her and people seeing her over video?

Absolutely very strange, I have been to two funerals lately that were available online but so discretely no one in attendance would really know if it weren’t for the announcement.

Hugely disrespectful and a display of hideous manners and arrogance that you would think this is acceptable behaviour at a funeral.
If I had been there I could not have held back on my feelings towards this individual. I wouldn't have said it publicly I would have asked for a private word then told them exactly what I thought of their actions.

I suppose this is the why for the AIBU…

I think I would have been more understanding if it was her family and not her husband’s, some of whom didn’t treat her very well in life. There’s also a difference in turning up to pay your respects and order condolences to the bereaved vs looking at a body via a screen.

As for the open casket, obviously a body is a body and will always look not like a living person. But there’s something gross to me about it being seen on a screen and I just have this horrifying dread of someone having taken a screenshot (though hopefully I’m paranoid and wrong).

I do find it odd, and maybe a bit off, but I wouldn't look in an open casket anyway. Maybe, if you are super comfortable with it, it seems ok.

Sorry you had to deal with this. I can see why this feels undignified. He should have listened to you.

Not sure I'd like it 😞

Disrespectful

First of all I am sorry for your loss 💐

My Mum died last month and the funeral was broadcast online for those who couldn’t get there so that they could watch it live or it is available online for a month. Only people with the user name and password can see it.

Too late now for you but this would have allowed those who could not get there to ‘attend’ the funeral online and then this person would not have needed to videocall relatives.

Similarly, the morning after my Mum died, my sister visited her and then told me she took a couple of photos - I was shocked and told her I did not think this was appropriate. My Mum would have hated that.

Thank you, and I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I’m also sorry about the upset caused by your sister taking photos. I also wouldn’t have liked that.

We did briefly consider live-streaming it but decided against it partly because we didn’t feel totally comfortable, and as all of her immediate family would be present there seemed no real need.

I would say it's inappropriate. It's a funeral, not a social gathering to view the holiday snaps.

Funeral services (especially cremations) can be live streamed online for the benefit of those unable to attend. We did that at my Dad's funeral.

This is absolutely appalling and tbh I'd be furious that those conducting the service that they didn't stop it. At weddings etc they say please no mobile phone pics so you'd think they could manage it for a funeral.

I had no idea people had open caskets anymore. Maybe in this day of mobile phones and live streaming it may put an end to it.

Sorry for your loss. It’s hard to tell. Open casket funerals are not all that common in the UK so for many of us it’s hard even to understand why others would want to see the deceased in person.

If we don’t understand why some people would want to see the deceased at all, perhaps there is also a spectrum within the open-casket world where at one end some think it is fine to take photos or videos. I think that one should ask permission and be guided by the family’s wishes though, rather than their own personal views as to what is acceptable.

There's a big difference between live streaming a funeral and live streaming a close up of a deceased person.

The first is distanced, and the aim is sharing in the grief of the ones left behind, the second feels like a sideshow attraction at a dodgy circus, or rubber necking at a nasty car crash.

It feels undignified and dehumanising.

Some funerals are live streamed, so that those who cannot attend in person can still follow the service. This is, I think, a good thing.

If there is no streaming arranged by the venue (and I'd say that the vast majority of crem and many churches do offer this now) or if all or parts of the service are away from the usual (typically indoors) cameras, then someone needs to do this hand-held.

But that shouldn't be just a member of the congregation deciding to wave a phone around. There should be one agreed person who will film discreetly, with the agreement of the celebrant and the closest bereaved.

We opted for the streaming as we had so many of Mum’s cousins and 3 of her grandchildren abroad who weren’t able to come to the UK for the funeral.

I've been to a couple of open casket funerals in the last few years - it's quite common with roman catholics but can't imagine anyone snapping photos!

Sorry for your loss.

I don’t really know. It depends on the culture involved. It’s the norm now for funerals to have live feeds which is still a screen. People who live far away would still like to attend. Did your family do a livestream for those people?

My uncle died and his funeral was abroad. Of 9 brothers and sisters only my mum attended. Because they couldn’t.

as for family members not treating her right in the past. People are hypocrites. Old people, in my limited experience, are the worst hypocrites. The still want to attend the funeral. It’s weird. But I see it so often. I’m sure my SILs will want to attend mine. 😂

Live streaming is done from a fixed camera, there is no change of viewpoint and so no focus on the deceased or on any of the relatives. The camera is usually pointing at the lectern so that those watching can see and hear the ceremony, tributes etc.

That’s completely different from somebody live streaming on a handheld device. I would find it unacceptable. Open-casket funerals are less common in the UK and I can imagine that if your culture is one that encourages or requires this then maybe there are different cultural issues about how people behave in this space. The point is that you’d chosen not to live stream it, OP, and you are offended by what he did. You are not being unreasonable.

@MerelyPlaying Live-streaming is not always done from a still camera. But you are right if the family don’t want an amateur FaceTiming the funeral then it shouldn’t happen.

I think it's a bit ghoulish to be honest. I would be very unhappy if someone did that at a loved one's funeral.

First off I totally agree with the poster, it's really unacceptable, tacky and disrespectful to start live streaming on a mobile phone. The fixed streaming service is another matter though. I've not come across anyone that thinks it's okay to disallow this for someone that is either in hospital or moved abroad.

My nan died last year and my brother and children wanted to view the funeral from Australia where they live. However there was one Aunty who seemed to have convinced the rest of the family that it was 'disgusting' for them to view over the fixed streaming camera, unfortunately she was put in charge of procedures along with my uncle who really didn't mind. We begged and pleaded for her to allow it and explained it wasn't recorded or anything. Still disallowed it and myself and my mother have since fallen out with the family over this. Two wrongs do not make a right but when it came to spreading the ashes on a sunny day, my mum and I did so, rather than go out of our way to arrange with the rest of them.

My mum did try to talk and give the aunty in question a big hug and put the hole streaming thing behind us but she apparently turned her back and ignored my mum.

We wouldn't mind but my aunty came to the funeral in a scruffy pair of jeans and was very quick to take valuble rings and anything else of value from my nan and gran nana. She has totally gas lighted the family in to believing we were all at fault.
A common and stubborn woman I no longer wish to have anything more to do with.

My mum and I were selfless in visiting my nan and loved her as did my brother who just wanted to see the funeral. Sad end really, it just showed how it was only my nan keeping the family together and the lack of respect they had for my bother, mum and my self for no good reason.

We would do the same thing again with the ashes btw. What they dont know is we still have half of them and anyone with any respect is welcome to them from the family.