I’m a bad friend

[Serenitydaydream]

Hello everyone, just looking for a little advice…

I had my baby 4 months ago. Was a bit of a traumatic time as I was in hospital for a week. Anyways, after baby was born my friend (32F) of 16 years came up to see the baby with a beautiful gift. I hadn’t seen her in a few months but things were normal.

She sent me a text the day after seeing the baby to congratulate me again and said to let her know when we could meet again etc. I completely forgot to text her back as I had read it but ended up getting distracted with the 1000000 things mums do.

We’ve not messaged since then until I messaged her last week apologising for not messaging back or at all due to being overwhelmed with baby and things in life in general… I’ve been in a sort of baby bubble and not really spoke to anyone apart from immediate family and going out once to a concert with another group of friends that I had booked over a year ago.

So she’s left me on read for a week. I think it’s because she seen that I was out at the concert as I was tagged in a few pictures and she’s not heard from me.

so aibu? Should I try to apologise again?

I'm a fairly petty person. It does annoy me when people don't text me back and I see they are posting things. (fwiw i dont expect an immediate response at all, especially from my new mother friends, but it is a bit of a kick in the teeth when I see they have time to post on social media but not to text me back). Did you text after the visit to say thanks for the present?

That said, you've said your apology, recognised your mistake, I dont think there's a need to apologise again!

You've apologised and had a lot on with the baby. It's understandable you've missed one reply.

However, were youa bit flaky before (no judgement) or is it just one message you've forgotten? If just one message after having a baby I wouldn't worry too much, even if you've been to a concert, that's just you getting out and about again and getting in touch with her is part of that. Of course you've been in a bubble, who wouldn't be?!

If this is a bit more of a habit (not the most terrible thing in the world but it does get quite hurtful) I would send another message following up. You don't have to grovel but it shows you care.

Could you arrange to spend a bit of time with her - go out for coffee or lunch? She may be worried she's losing you to your new life, you could show her that she still has a part in it albeit a smaller part than before.

I hate hate hate being left hanging- WhatsApp is the devil.
I've had to turn off my last seen so I can't see other people's.
Sending WhatsApp's seeing that other people have been online yet I'm left either unread or read but no reply
It grates on my nerves!
I'm not sure why people think it's ok.
U see a message, reply. It takes 2 minutes.

I think any friend who gets the hump over you not replying to a text when you have a small baby is not a very good friend. that said, I'd think nothing either if a friend didn't reply immediately for whatever reason. Sometimes DH texts me what time he is coming home and I don't see it until the following day as I haven't picked up my phone.

You have a 4 month old baby and have had a lot on. Your friend should be more understanding and more accommodating to you.

I would be annoyed if I was your friend. Try apologise again.

It takes less than a second to respond to a text with an Emoji “let me know when we can meet again” - could have put ❤️ as a reply.

I’m not suprised she is pissed.

I wouldn't ask for friendship advice on Mn. A disproportionate number of posters struggle with friendships and ordinary social situations.

I wouldn't blow this out of proportion. From what you say, you didn't live in one another's pockets before you had your baby, either, if you hadn't seen her in a few months before she visited with the baby present. I would leave it another week or so, and then message suggesting a meet-up, if she's up for it.

So you didn’t think to text her for almost 4 months? Never mind replying. You didn’t think to text her at all?

But managed to text other friend finalising plans etc to go out?

of course she is upset. I would text again and apologise, properly. Not ‘sorry but I got overwhelmed and didn’t think about texting you at all’ and leave it there. Then the ball is in her court

I had to reread as I thought you were referring to her bra size!!

When i had a newborn I didn't check my phone for days on end and many of my friends were the same. She needs to understand this, she obviously never had a baby. Message her again to try and meet up, no need to grovel, you have already apologised. If she can't understand that you are busier than her then she is a poor friend, hopefully she will reply this time and it will all be forgotten.

She needs to understand this, she obviously never had a baby.
I disagree with this. Leaving someone hanging for almost 4 months without a reply is rude. Nobody is THAT busy!

Message her again to try and meet up, no need to grovel, you have already apologised.
I do however 100% agree with this.

I wouldn't be annoyed. It's understandable and it's no big deal. If I were her, I'd have checked in between then and now to see how you are considering you'd just had a baby.
You've apologised - there isn't much more you can do. My friends and I would have an awful time if we got upset every time one of us was left on read!

I once messaged a friend on october 30th 2023, i had just moved to a new place, lost my job and could do with a friend, she lives about 45 mins away and i asked her out for lunch - i would travel to her too, she read the message and left me on read.... until 20th of March this year saying 'we never got to meet' .... my mind was blown.😳

Yes I would be annoyed too OP. But you have apologized and feel bad so you obviously care about the friendship. Organise a lunch? Leave baby with dad or GP if you have either, and reinvest a bit. If she is decent too she will come round.

Wow am I the only person who is quite chilled about replying and receiving replies???

I honestly wouldn't mind. People have busy lives. Sometimes I read a message and seconds later will completely forget I've read it! Sometimes I might read it when I'm out and think I'll reply later but forget. It's no big deal is it? Am I just super forgetful??
Same when someone doesn't reply... I just kind of assume they're busy/forgetful too. I don't get annoyed or assume they're a bad person or friend...??? I really wouldn't worry...

Have to add I don't even have a baby I'm just rubbish!!

Thank you all for your comments. I totally understand why some people get the hump with not messaging back straight away/soon after. Just wanted to add we don’t message each other a lot, maybe once every couple of months. And generally meet a couple of times per year and when we go out I’m usually the one who drives to meet her. When she got with her boyfriend a couple of years ago she never replied to my texts etc but I chalked it up to her being in her bubble. She doesn’t want a child and I’m the only one she knows with a baby. I suppose I’m a little more anxious than I was before baby so maybe just overthinking. I’ll give it another couple of days and I’ll try calling to see how it goes.

Could you put a card in the post, and say thank you for the gift and looking forward to a proper catch up now things have settled down.