10 Year old randomly pulled out a £20 note, not sure where it's come from.

[ForSpryHazelRaven]

Bit of a back story my son is in year 5 (going up to year 6 after the holidays)
He recently went on a residential with year 5 and 6 kids attending and made a friend from year 6.
On the last day of term he came out of school saying this new friend had given a friend from my sons class £20 to give to my son but he never received it saying his other friend had stolen it and taken it home. I didn't really think anything of it as my son has a habit of fabricating stories and making things up. Fast forward 4 days we were sat having a picnic in the park and he randomly says to me 'mom, remember that £20 so and so gave me but my other friend stole it? I said yeah? He said well he didn't actually steal it I have it, it's in my pocket right now.' Then pulls out a £20 note. At first I just said well why did you lie and say had stolen it? But now I'm wondering what 11 year old has £20 to just give away to a rather new friend. He says because he has left the school he gave it me, which sort of makes sense as this child will go up to high school now & they won't see eachother (he lives out of the area and my son won't be attending the school he is going to) but I just can't shake the feeling that he isn't telling me the truth. I have said I will be keeping this money until he goes back to school and I will be asking his year 5 teacher if anyone lost any money or if any has gone missing. Am I being unreasonable? He doesn't have a habit of stealing and I do leave money around the house and other than the odd 50p or £1 coin he doesn't bother with it and when he has taken little bits of change I have been firm on if it doesn't belong to you you don't touch it and let him know I will not tolerate stealing. Do I let him have the £20 and take what he's saying at face value or do I stick to my original plan of waiting til school starts up again? I don't have any contact with this child's parents nor would I know how to contact them as it is a very recent friendship and now he has left the school I wouldn't be able to have the opportunity to bump into the parents again which also is very convenient imo. He could of also just found the £20 note but I don't understand why he wouldn't of told me? And I'm not going to ask if he found it as he will just agree to get out of it if he has taken it from someone he shouldn't of. He doesn't stay at people's houses or go anywhere I'm unaware of and doesn't go out alone so I am definitely not worried about any foul play or alarming situations. I'm quite a laid back parent but I do have my boundaries and I definitely will not tolerate stealing in any way shape or form wether it was 20p or £20

My first thought would be county lines. If this were the case, it's a bribe to suck him on or he's done something and been paid. I attended a seminar on this subject recently and it was utterly chilling. The ways these children are recruited. I'd be keeping a very close eye on his friends/his internet usage/phone if he has one. I would also approach the safeguarding lead at school at the beginning of term. Whilst this man turn out to be absolutely nothing, I'd rather be expecting the worse and having the opportunity to intervene.

Apologies for my typos! I'm addled with school holidays!

Going against the grain, my experience of my son and his friends learning to have their own money is that they are a bit weird in buying gifts for each other and paying for things. Like overly generous and they do make big gestures. It's sweet but also they're vulnerable because they don't get understand the value. My son is autistic and most of his friends are and/or have ADHD too. I think it is entirely possible this child has given away twenty quid. I think you should try and find the parents because it's not really ok to keep it. I don't necessarily think your son has done anything wrong. It could just be as he said and he took it out of not understanding enough.

But...the more worrying thing is that you don't trust your son. Why does he lie? Is he scared of you and what you'll do/say? Id be working on trying to have a more trusting relationship and being able to talk to him without accusing him of stuff. I think it's good he's told you about it. Don't go punishing him. Try and talk to him without judgement about why he shouldn't have accepted the money and talk to him about giving it back.

You can also give him the opportunity to tell you more without calling him a liar. Id say something like " it's good that you've told me about this but it does sound a bit strange. Are you sure you've told me the truth or are you sure you've not left something out when telling me about this? "And reassure him that he's not in trouble and you're pleased he's told.you.

No he doesn't have a phone. He has xbox but I'm signed in on his account and get all his messages and friend requests, it's private and he only has his actual friends on there. I'm not worried about any foul play as he's never really away from me. He's only ever slept at 1 friends house over a year ago, and my nan is the only person who looks after him and that's at my house for a few hours if we go for food and we're only gone a few hours then we come back. He does play out with friends but we live in a culdesac so only out the front or in our back garden.

I haven't accused him. My problem was his initial lie, because we were on our way home from school I could of possibly spoken to the child's parents and waited around to bump into them. If he'd of told me he had it straight off the bat I would of been a little suspicious because it isn't right for a child to give away £20 let alone him take it he doesn't go without and he has pocket money every week aswell as little extras. He's usually quite open with me about most things but has been known to make little stories up or over exaggerates things but there is other things going on that could explain that. He hasn't had a relationship with his real dad for 6 years now because of dv, not with me (although he was but my son wouldn't remember because he was a baby when I left) but when I heard there was dv in his new relationship at the time I cut contact to keep my son safe. So he does have certain issues around that which could be why he makes up lies or over exaggerates certain stories. He does often talk to me about things & I am always there to talk about whatever is on his mind.

He's usually quite open with me about most things but has been known to make little stories up or over exaggerates things

Him & most other children. Think a mountains being made out of a mole hill here tbh.

I would keep it.
He hasn't been honest and there are so many holes in his story.
Discussing with the school might be a way to go
Or" it was inappropriate for him to give you this money, if that's what happened. As there seems to be no way to give it back, it will go to charity"
He probably realised that he couldn't spend £20 without you finding out, hence the story.

And kids do lie and make stuff up. One of mine did that big style. Perfectly responsible adult now though!

That totally makes no sense.

Even when you say that his friend giving him £20 because he's left the school is okay doesn't make sense - I've never known children give £20 to someone when moving school - or any amount of money.

You say your son doesn't steal.........aoart from 50p or £1 - that IS stealing.

Are you one of those parents where your little angel can do no wrong?

I'd be coming down very hard on your son - for lying and stealing.

If you don't you're going to have a rough teenage year time. Or others around him are.

Yes she has - he's lied about it to her for 4 days.

And stolen money in the past.

Could the other child be a vulnerable child. I'm asking because my child has autism and we had to stop giving him money because if anyone asked for it, or said they wished they could have it, he would just hand it over even if it meant he couldn't have something later on he really wanted. In the here and now his friend needed that and he didn't need it right then so he handed over whatever he had x

I love these threads because within a page the kid is Putin's right hand drug dealer.

I’d be wanting the name of the child who had given £20 and tell son, I’m going to check with the boy and his parents and if he, my son, is lying, there will be consequences. If son can’t or won’t give a name, then he is lying about where it came from. If he does give a name, I’d be following it up, returning the money.

I don't think that your son stole it, to be honest I worry that it has the potential to be something more serious. I wonder has this older boy got himself involved in something like county-lines and has been given money to use to recruit others.

Once your son goes back to school I would be keep a few close watch on him in case more money or and a phone appears. And just because it is a cudesac it does not stop him being given things to hold for others. A handover can take seconds.

Curious to know what a cudesac is? Hilariously, as I typed, spell check kept changing it to crude sack

Many moons ago, when I was with my now ex partner, I was tidying the conservatory and found a mobile phone hidden away. It didn't belong to me or my then partner and neither of his children had a phone. When I asked the youngest son, if he knew anything about the phone, he told me that a 'friend at school had given it to him to look after'. I went into the school with the phone, and spoke to the Headteacher. She spoke with him and the child who had given him the phone. It transpired that the friend had taken his sister's phone, asked my exes son to look after it, purely so his sister would get into trouble with her parents for losing her phone. My point is, children can be devious, and the story that a 'friend was leaving the school, and he gave him £20' is not believable on any level. Children don't give other children £20. Either your son has been buttered up, and this other child is expecting something in return or your son took this money from someone else whilst on the residential trip. If the other child had stolen the money himself, he'd hardly go to all that effort, to give it away, that would make no sense. You need to have a serious word with your son. If he has stolen the money, this is behaviour that needs nipping in the bud. I certainly wouldn't be ignoring the matter, it gives the wrong impression. I would approach the school in September, as they should still have contact details of the other child.

Another voice here saying that my auDHD children would certainly blithely give away £20 to a friend.... It's really, really hard to impress upon them boundaries about this, and the value of the money. They would give away anything if someone they liked was after it. It's quite worrying.

So it may be innocent, but your son clearly knows he shouldn't have accepted it if that is the case, hence his convoluted story to test the waters with you.

I still wouldn't punish him though, I'd wait til end of hols and contact whatever school the other kid is in, to pass on a message to their parents. Your son is old enough to know that this is the right thing to do and that's why you're doing it, not that you instantly assume he's a lying bank robber 😎

Of course you don't let him keep the money. £20 is too much for a young child to give to another child. If it was my son, I would contact the parents and give it back. He may have left the school but the school will probably have contact details for them. Maybe the other boy stole it, maybe he was bullied into giving it to him. No idea if your son stole it, but we have a simple rule in our house and that is not to take anything from anyone, unless I know about it (random gifts are used to groom kids down here). I don't mean little things like sweets etc from school friends, that's fine, but nothing expensive and nothing at all from strangers. If my DS came home with £20 from a friend, he would be giving it straight back.

People saying it's not normal - my then 11 year old gave his friend £10 when he left primary school. It was my son's money that he'd saved. The friends birthday was after the summer and they knew they wouldn't be seeing each other again so he gave him the money he'd have spent on a birthday present!

Did I read that right? A ten year old left you in £1,000 debt?

I would ask him the name of the year 6 and when school starts again speak to them. Say your son was gifted £20 from the child & obviously can’t accept it and see if they had any means of contacting the family for you to return the money. If it was given to him for a dodgy reason then you’ve called it out, his parents are aware he’s given a younger boy money, they can take it back and speak to their son, if it’s perfectly innocent they will also know he’s handing out cash for no reason.

I doubt the school will give you any info tbh, because of GDPR and safeguarding. All you can do it let them know it happened if on school grounds/care. Best to gather as much information as possible from him and find the parents directly to enquire. Children lie only because they are scared or devious - mostly scared. My son thinks I'll be cross over things I have never been cross over, but knows now that the lying is what I get upset over as the truth will always come out and I'd rather he told me to help solve an issue, than lie about it x