To have answered my Manager's question honestly?

[Soiekq]

I'll preface this by stating I work in a male dominated industry and my specialism is also male dominated. Also, we are under quite a bit of pressure, more so than usual too right now. We also work in an open office.

I sit opposite my manager and this morning he randomly said "if I die I'm not coming back as a [job title] I've decided, I think I'll be a hairdresser" (there's plenty to be said about this throw away comment but I'll move on)

And then I said "oh my hairdresser was a [Insert same job title]"

He asked why did she change job roles. I explained that she found it tiresome to be in such a male dominated industry where she had to work extra hard than her male colleagues and still faced discrimination.

He went on a rant about how she probably imagined the problems or should have been stronger and made a change to the inequality by proving them all wrong.

I politely said its not really on her to make social changes if she doesn't want to, especially given she already found herself exhausted by trying to prove herself.

He then asked if I felt like I faced discrimination here. And I didn't answer right away, I paused and laughed as I said "you don't really want me to answer that right here" and he said "yes I do, go on"

So I told him the truth about how I felt in a calm and considered way (I had already been thinking how to approach it for past few months so had a sort of mini speech ready)

He then told me I was being inappropriate for raising this in the office. I told him he asked! He denied it! I now have what I suspect is a sort of disciplinary meeting booked into my diary.

He also went on a rant about how there shouldn't be a woman's network or LGBT groups at work but again that's extra than the AIBU question.

So my AIBU question is; was I being unreasonable in giving an honest answer?

I think you know you're not being unreasonable.

Were there witnesses around that could confirm that he asked the question?

What was your answer?

Well, he’s a twat.

I am unsure if anyone would have overheard the initial question, I think one of our colleagues would be highly likely to have heard but I do not beleive he would back me up if needed.

I am really shaken up and feel quite sick because I've never had this from my manager before in this way! Although I do feel like I am being discriminated in the team (hence the mini speech at the ready) I had thought it was subconscious or I had misunderstood what was going on around me.

I'd write this all down, as you're explained it here and mail it to HR when you've found the right contact. Try to include actual words if you can remember them. Make sure you include the bit about the networks. Tell them it's not a formal complaint, but you want the conversation on record, cc your personal account so they can see you've got a copy stored for yourself.

do you have an HR team or and Inclusivity and diversity team you can speak to?

You're not morally wrong to have said what you said; but YABU for thinking this will do you any favours.

While it's still fresh in your mind, write down everything that happened. The conversation you, him, you, him and just the facts (not including anything like 'he ranted' or 'he looked annoyed'.

You haven't done anything wrong at all, you were having a conversation. The only thing that may have been inappropriate was to raise complaints about any specific individuals (including him) if it wasn't in private

Have a look at your companies d and I policies before the meeting as well to back up anything you say - I'd say most workplaces would encourage these types of conversations

In summary, my answer was that I do feel like I have faced discrimination here and I gave a few example around language and expectations and then in regards to promotions.

As an example I explained how for that past 2 years I've been requesting a progression meeting to understand how to move up yet keep being denied the opportunities to even have that meeting... my male colleagues have been able to have these meetings and have also been promoted.

Another example I gave was how I was told I was being aggressive by requesting a meeting to discuss my progression yet my male colleague walked into the office, placed down a job offer and told the Manager to better it or he will walk.

I definitely don't think it will do me any favours @FakeMiddleton , just updated my CV now.

You need to know if the meeting is a disciplinary, it sounds like it can't be as you've not been notified that it is. Are you a member of a union or could you bring a colleague into the meeting. He asked you a question and you answered honestly so I don't think you need to worry.
Depending on the size of the company he may have an hr rep there so you need to be prepared for that.

Yes we actually have a Woman's Network here so I'll email them @Fleetheart but I am not convinced it's a good idea.

It's a very large company @Sansan18 one of the biggest of its kind in UK and has a reputation of never backing down in legal disputes. There's been many ruthless cases.

It's tricky, maybe your better answer would have just been yes or no. Unless he specifically asked you to give examples. That kind of conversation would have been better in a meeting room, so maybe saying yes I totally do feel that way so if you'd like to meet to discuss I'm happy to explain why. But I don't really see how you can be disciplined for speaking the truth if asked for examples.

Maybe the meeting is just to discuss what you have now brought to light?

Do exactly this.

HR?

He did ask for me to expand when I said "yes" apologies I just kept it brief in the summary @TulsaGirl and I did question again whether he really wanted me to.

It's hard because if my manager is asking me a question I thought I have to answer it but now I'm seeing the appropriate response should have been "I'll explain in an appropriate setting, such as a progression meeting"

He asked you a question, you asked him for confirmation that he would like your answer and he said yes.

You gave him your honest response.

He doesn’t like that response so has gone into ‘defence mode’

People can be defensive for many reasons, including:

He thinks you are criticising him and his defensiveness can be a way to defend themselves.

Conflict avoidance: Some people may be defensive because they don't like conflict.

Control and power issues: People who are easily defensive may have control and power issues, and may perceive anyone who confronts them as a threat.

I would ignore him. You are perfectly within your right to tell him how you feel.

You haven't been notified it's a disciplinary meeting. Is it possible that he went away and thought about what you said and it's a meeting to discuss progression instead?

I once had a manager ask me if I thought she'd responded too harshly to another colleague. I decided to be honest and said yes. Said manager then demanded I follow her into a meeting room and proceeded to tell me why I was wrong 😠
Some managers can't manage

Is it by any chance a company that has recently been in the news for the founder's attitudes and working practices?

I don't think so @Ledeluge , not recently anyway!