Second child fear

[Bbqnights]

Have a 2 year old toddler and pregnant with my second. Having all these anxieties that I've ruined my PFB's life. We have such a good thing going as a family of 3. Can someone reassure me I'm being ridiculous?

My mum told me that when I was 2 and my little brother was born, she cried to the health visitor that she thought she had ruined my life.

She had not!!!

I remember feeling the exact same way when I was pregnant with my second. But the two of them (6 & 8) are so close and love each other so much, always trying to make each other laugh and cracking up together. It's unimaginable, them not having each other.

Initially, it does change things a little. I remember dc1 suddenly seeming so grown up, after dc2 was born, that did make me feel sad. But they grow anyway, just now with a sibling, which is a great thing for them. Don't worry

Just had my second baby 4 months ago. Baby has slotted in perfectly and it’s as if he’s always been here. Best thing I ever done for my (autistic!) 5 year old. A companion for life and it’s shown such a wonderful side of my 5 year old.

This is a very natural feeling. I found this poem (I didn't write it), which sums up the emotional journey for us, and I think most people feel the same.
----
Loving Two

I walk along holding your little hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him--as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times---only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you--as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you---you each have your own supply.

I love you---both. And I thank you both for blessing my life

It’s not ridiculous at all. Everyone I know with two has felt the same way, it’s a thing! As I left for my CS to have him I wanted to tell DD I’d always love her the most and DH had to drag me out of the door to stop me 😂 I just couldn’t imagine loving another child as much as the one I had, know better than anyone, had cherished every day for 4 years.

As they put DS on my chest my heart doubled in size and he’s just as much a part of our family as DD is. They’re besotted with each other and I can’t imagine how I thought we wouldn’t have him, if that makes sense. We were completely happy before having him but more completely happy with him.

Thank you. It's really making me anxious, I'm not good with change!

Totally normal to feel that way. After I had my second I can remember sitting on the floor sobbing and thinking I'd ruined everything. Fast forward a couple of months and it was like we had never not been a family of four. It's just an adjustment bit having a second child is every but as amazing as having the first.

I'll be very honest, the first bit is hard and it's not unusual to have some regrets about going from 1-2. The benefits of having more than one tend to come later when number 2 is more mobile. Try not to worry if the first bit is really awful, it doesn't mean it will always be like that, you haven't ruined your toddlers life.

I was exactly the same as you the absolute guilt. My baby is a few months old and my toddler is so in love with his new baby brother. It's beautiful to see.

One trick I've found that if I'm playing/doing something for with my toddler and the baby starts crying I says 'just hold on baby I'm just finishing this for toddler' (obviously use names and say it visa versa so my toddler does t feel like the new babies needs come first

Thanks for all the advice. I just feel like I'm growing a grenade into our lives.

I have two DC, 2 years apart. Yes, it was hard to start with, but you soon get into a rhythm. I love having two, and especially close in age as they always have a playmate. They have always had someone to share experiences with, and, yes, now they are older they do bicker, but when they get on they are like best friends.

Its hard to explain how much you will love your second child. Its like explaining to someone without kids how much you love your first.
The love for this baby is well inside you, just waiting to come out. Just wait and see.

I felt similar to this and heard that it is very common.. 3 years down the line it has simply not been the case . I am part of a lovely family of 4 and whilst the two kids do sometimes have problems with sharing, it's lovely to see the bond they have. I'm not going to lie life is exhausting but as my youngest grows up it is easing a bit.

Exactly what everyone else said. I could not imagine I could love another as much as my amazing DS but DD is almost three months old and I am equally besotted with them both. Life with just one DC was perfect, life with two does feel like a juggling act at times and needs some adjusting to but I know that it will soon be as if DD was always here. Congratulations to you and hope all goes well.

I’m pregnant with number two and have the exact same fear. My first is the dreamiest, sweetest child in the world. He will be 4 when the baby is born and has been the centre of the universe his whole life. I love him so much and can’t shake this fear that I’ve made a decision that will negatively impact his life. I cannot imagine I will love this baby as much, even though I know how illogical that is!

Just had my second (well 5 months ago😂) and I had the same feelings as you... how wrong was I!

It's tough but not as tough as going from 0-1 kids as your life is already adjusted to children.

My DS absolutely adores his baby brother and there's not been once sign of jealousy from him. We just make a real effort to give him the same attention as before and baby kind of fits in with our life!

I'm glad it's not just me feeling like this. I don't think it helps that I was always on the fence about wanting a second (surprise pregnancy). I'm the happiest I've ever been with my toddler and life is so good. Seems illogical to change all that! It's lovely to hear all the positives of two, because I've been so focused on the negatives.

I had a surprise second and then third pregnancy. Both came with their challenges, but my three children's relationships with each other are well worth it, even now/especially now in their 20s. Probably the hardest was going from one to two, as you feel you're separating yourselves out to be with the individual children after indulging the one, then with three you re definitely outnumbered and I felt we were working more as a team. Great fun!

Actually it was my husband who felt like this- he couldn’t imagine loving No 2 as much. I was very angry at the time because both of us had always been not the “golden “ child in our own families and I was adamant we were never doing that to our children. It made him think- and we now have 4 - I love them differently but equally. I once overheard my eldest talking to his girlfriend who was afraid we would not like her as much as our other son’s girlfriend- he just turned round and said- my parents don’t do favourites. It brought a tear to my eye- to know that we gave them that.
Sorry for the epic!! Very best of luck with your family !

Agree. My two are 5 and 1 and seeing them play and giggle together brings sunshine into my heart! I looked back in the car the other day and they were holding hands across their car seats. Who knows what their relationship will hold further down the road but right now they just adore each other and it’s so lovely to see.

I had exactly the same wobble while pregnant but it’s joyous being a four and my boys adore each other - 3 and 8 months. I spent some time in the last stages of pregnancy having some really good time with my first thinking he won’t remember is being a three, but we (dh) will and that’s really precious.

Thanks everyone, these posts are helping

Wait til the first time your older one says "we" and you realise she means her and her sibling, not her and you. One of the happiest moments of my life, that was.