Man spending lots of time alone with best friend's wife. Aibu to think this odd?

[Felaku]

Hi, this is currently happening to someone I know well and is close to me in such a way that any fallout would affect me. Maybe not directly but definitely indirectly.

The people concerned are: a husband, his wife and his best friend.

Before husband and wife got together, along with the best friend, they all went to the same club and the (now) wife had an affair with the (married) best friend which ended. So let's just say that wife and best friend are definitely OK with infidelity.

She then moves on to the man who is her (now) husband.

Anyway the situation is that the husband now takes their child every week (same day each time) to see it's grandparents during which time the best friend visits their home to spend time alone for hours with his wife.
It's like an hour's journey there and back so plenty of alone time.
This has been going on for months.
The husband is completely aware of the situation but seems unfazed.

It's not my business but I find this really f*ing dodgy and can't help but think they're up to no good again. The husband seems oblivious to the dodginess of this.

I'm not going to say anything but between me and the people of mumsnet, aibu to find this dodgy?

As a side note, they were only fwb- he didn't seem to want a relationship, she very much did, until she got pregnant but he thought he ought to do the 'right thing' and proposed that they became a proper couple.

Oh what a mess OP. I'm assuming the husband is your brother. They all sound a disgrace.

It's pretty clear there's an affair happening. You can't let your brother back in your parents' house so I'd focus energy there.

I've a similar sibling who I constantly fret is going to put my parent in an early grave.

I don't see how I can stop him moving back in, he'll go for the sympathy vote.

Perhaps I should be more sympathetic but he's one of these guys who only 'falls in love' when he needs a place to stay.

He must bloody know.

Trouble is affairs don't stay secret for long, she's obviously not happy with him to be cheating again (though technically she wasn't cheating last time, she has no problem with infidelity).

I believe people can have close friends of the opposite sex (although many dont agree with me) however in this case with the history between them and the regularity of their meetings it does sound like an affair.

It's unconfirmed so best stay out of it. Am I right in saying it's in your and GPs best interests that this marriage doesn't end anyway so definitely don't be adding fuel to the fire and encouraging a break up. Affairs don't always end in break ups, the husband might know what's going on, it is possible (but unlikely) that they are not having sex but have a shared interest that the DH doesn't care for and are hanging out like old pals.

someone I know well and is close to me in such a way that any fallout would affect me. Maybe not directly but definitely indirectly

🙄 it’s cool to like a gossip on Mumsnet, OP. Let’s not pretend it would affect you to the point you need advice over it. Yeah, it seems dodgy on the face of it, but who cares. Stay out of it.

Are you Carly Simon, OP? She did once write -

Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with some underworld spy
Or the wife of a close friend

It's odd, but at the end of the day it sounds like it's consenting adults involved.

I have a friend who previously regularly got involved with a married man she met at work. When she was doing that, I would distance myself. Never judge her or get involved, but create distance because I don't need the mental gymnastics that people involved in affairs go through. She was constantly clutching her phone hoping he would be able to sneak away and call/ text. Wouldn't make plans in case he would at the drop of a hat decide he's sneaking out/ lying to his wife to see her. She justified this by "he's unhappy" After a month of it I couldn't deal with her anymore and stopped making any plans with her. l really don't know how people choose to live like that it's unstable and seems like a constant rollercoaster of emotions.

Reality is, this is all you can do is create distance from the situation to look after your self.

If the grandparents were my family, I wouldn't tell them what's going on, but I'd make sure they were secure and make sure I knew if someone was asking to move in/ for money.

It doesn't sound like any of them are direct relations to you ? In which case I strongly advise you simply create distance because when it all goes to shit you may be seen as meddling and you don't know how the grandparents are going to feel. They may take him in and you can't do anything about it.

Thanks for replies. Look I'm not that bothered by the morality of the wife cheating-like I said the husband conveniently fell in love when he needed somewhere to live.

But... I just want the consensus as regards they've resumed their affair. That's all.
I really don't want him moving in with his parents (child's grandparents) again. They are very, very dear to me and he'll mope about there for as long as he's able to do so.

And of course, affairs do not tend to stay secret forever. The best friend's wife may find out for example.

I'm just worried that he'll want to move back in with the grandparents.
Honestly, he's never worked and he was in his early thirties when they insisted he leave.

So he moves in with his fwb (now wife).

It's obvious they've resumed the affair.

So why is he not doing anything about it?

I think he knows, hence being non fussed about it.
From your viewpoint, does the marriage seem to be a "normal/happy" one from the outside? If so I do think it's like an open marriage. For all you know, the husband may have his own side kick.

No but he has - surprisingly - taken to fatherhood but I don't think he is-or ever has been-in love with her.
Well no matter how good he is as a father that wouldn't make any woman feel good.

He and his best friend were friends before they met her.
I think the husband had a fling with her - which he ended-and then she started the (original) affair with the best friend.

To be honest, she had her own house and money while he had no material goods to speak of.
So naturally he took advantage of this.

He said he was going to leave her (possibly because he found being her actual boyfriend more stressful than the prospect of living alone. She also was a single mum when they met so the reality of being partially responsible for the child may not make cocklodging such a good deal after all) but then she said she was pregnant so he stayed.

I think she realised he used her. She has said herself that he never wanted an actual relationship with her.

I don't care about any of this but if he thinks he's moving back to grandparents he can eff off.
Bloody lazy cocklodging clown that he is.

I only started the thread to see if my suspicions of the affair resuming are correct.

See the wife may get it into her head that she wants him to leave because she's in love with his best friend. Or some such bollocks.

What about this best friend's wife in all this ?? Do you think she knows her husband is a cheating b**tard ??

What the hell has any of this got to do with the OP?

"...would affect me if it turns out my suspicions are correct cause frankly he'd want to live at home again with them as he's not the sort of person who wishes to stand on his own two feet."

That clears it up. It's what you perceive as 'your' inheritance which would be hampered by him being there.

You absolutely are the worst sort of nosey person there is. This is absolutely none of your business and nobody can or should back you up in your gossipy 'are they, aren't they?'.

Blimey, it's not even an inheritance related to you re-reading your post (which wasn't clear). You have absolutely no skin in the game.

Maybe they are swingers and he don't mind sharing his wife 😂

I abstained from voting on this. On the one hand, it does sound like they're probably having an affair. On the other, (a) they might not be - give them the benefit of the doubt and (b) this might just be how they want to do their version of marriage - despite your concerns, it might be best not to embarrass them.

I should think both spouses are promiscuous to be honest. Husband surely filling his boots elsewhere if he's unfazed about her doing it.

Sone couples swing or have open relationships. He may not be bothered about the faithful side. I'd stay out of it and leave him alone.

Why does it matter whether there's infidelity or not? If the marriage is working for them, the grandparents are happy seeing plenty of the DGC, you're not going to rock the boat because splitting up the marriage might result in him moving back in with the GP... Stop investing so much time and thought into other people's lives.

If the husband is aware and happy, then nose out.

Unless you actually state how you'll be affected, there's nothing else to say.

Mind your own business this is nothing to do with you. Either distance yourself or accept its their choice not yours.

I don't care about the affair only about the impact it will have on the grandparents should it all come to light.
He will definitely want to move back in with them.

It IS my business - the grandparents are MY parents and I don't want my waster brother getting under their feet again.
They had a hell of a job getting rid of him last time.

So they should say no. What’s the problem? He is not going to break into the house and camp with them. You are far too involved

He is deeply, deeply manipulative. He had next to no interest in his wife until he needed somewhere to live.

Gosh, I can't believe the flak I'm getting from some for this.
How the hell would some posters like it if they had elderly parents who were not in the best of health and their waster sibling wanted to move back in with them and be a general pain in the ass to them?
Hardly nosey parker territory.

If not for my parents, I wouldn't give a shit if his wife was shagging the Pope.