To think it's hard to be uncomfortable in your own skin

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I've been an anxious child, anxious teenager, adult with depression and suicidal tendencies. I'm nearly 40.
I'm a bad mother (of 1) and partner. I'm on my phone tonight instead of childcare and housework as I can't be bothered. DDs dad is no help.
I dislike my in laws, they are so self centred and annoying. My MIL hates me. My parents are negative and very set in their ways so I don't see them that much. My brother is a drug addict often asking for money.
I work. I've enjoyed my job but I've made mistakes and I've always worried about them. I've made a mistake today that will affect others work. I'm too old to make these mistakes. I admitted it and apologised. I'm scared to show my face tomorrow. It's a bitchy workplace and I am ashamed and just want to hide away. It's not even well paid.

I have friends. I really don't enjoy their company. I have always had loud friends, I can never get a word in as I'm quiet and and am always the odd one out. I go to events with my daughter and my 'mum' friends, pay through the nose, and it's hell.
I've been to clubs, it's the same.

I've been to self assertiveness training, self confidence coaching, reduce anxiety, you name it. I can't seem to change how I am.
But is anyone else bothered about changing how they are?
I wish I lived alone, childfree, away from the people that don't like me and I don't like them. I rarely enjoy people's company. I'm sure they feel the same about me.

I'm on long term ADs that stop the nighttime panic attacks but I have had nightmares quite a lot.

I've tried to ring the Samaritans but they didn't answer. It's true 😂

AIBU to feel this way, so I comfortable in my own skin and personality?
Anyone else?

I didn't want to read and run

I am sure you are not viewed as you think you are. I am sure people like you and you make a difference to peoples lives, however small and unnoticed by you

I also don't feel comfortable around a lot of people and socialising and in clubs

Try the Samaritans again they will answer at some point

There's nothing wrong with being a reserved and quiet person. You sound nice to me, I'm a person who likes my own company too.

You are hard on yourself.

Yanbu to feel this way your ill, your not doing it on purpose. I think its time for another chat with your gp or mh worker if you have one. The only way things will improve is speaking out and being honest . Good luck op x Also samaritans are amazing keep trying them x

I feel the same as you some days. I think unfortunately it is a big part of depression. I can guarantee people do not see you the way you think. It is ok to be reserved, introverted, to not enjoy others company. You are not a bad mum or partner because you wrote this post because you care.

I know it can feel like the world is against you (I also had a time where Samaritans didn't pick up and I felt like that!) things will get better and look better. Might be worth speaking to GP about a a change in medication as I found mine stopped working after a while.

There's nothing wrong with you OP, you are perfect as you are, you do not need to change. You were put on this earth to be you x

It could be a result of your parenting or your brain “wiring”. I would look into trauma and see if that’s you - did your parents bring you up properly? Your brother isn’t thriving either.

If that’s not the case then perhaps look into neurodiversity. For example late diagnosed Autistic women or women with ADHD often have a history of anxiety and misdiagnosis of other mental health issues. Some find other people incredibly boring and shallow and would rather be alone with their interests. Some feel incredibly uncomfortable in their own bodies, especially around others. Some can’t cope with loud people who talk too much as it attacks their senses. Some have very blunt and straight-forward ways about them and have to literally act to fulfil the common types of interactions that women tend to have, which takes energy, which makes you tired and grumpy.

You're not a bad mother. You feel like one because of what you've said in your first sentence.

I've been on my phone a lot tonight and I've tidied tonight but I couldn't be arsed for a few nights before that. Doesn't make either of us bad people or lazy or anything negative.

You hate your in laws - doesn't matter if she doesn't like you then! She probably does anyway! You probably think this because of your first sentence.

You're never too old to make mistakes. Don't misunderstand how important it is to be honest and transparent when you do. I'm sure it's not that bad - very few things we do at work can be that important or world ending realistically even if it feels like it at the time. These people you don't want to see tomorrow, have they never made a mistake? Of course I'm assuming you're not a mad scientist that's poisoned the water supply accidentally or killed a Patient.

I'm shit at these posts trying to make people feel better but I resonate with a lot of what you say and don't want you feeling shit when there is absolutely no need from an outside perspective. This is a temporary feeling etc. you don't deserve to feel shit.

I wish I could help

Thank you so much for the replies x

Thank you @PixieBoom , you're very kind.

@OriginalUsername2 Interesting what you say
..my parents are very straight laced and I was always brought up not to speak out of turn or boast etc. it's clear that me and DB both have mental health issues.
I really do resonate with a lot of the traits of ADHD and have thought that before. It was never talked about as much, 20-30 years ago. Seems hard to get a diagnosis on adults though.

@HillBillieEilish Thanks for your reply.
I do have a science based job actually 😅 but you're right, I have not harmed anything or killed anyone.
You have helped me, just by posting. I appreciate it.

How was today at work @mrlistersgelfbride ? Hope you're feeling better.

@HillBillieEilish Thanks so much for asking!
It was worse if I'm being honest. Lots of bitchiness and backstabbing. A few people aren't happy about the mistake but rather than saying it to my face they are telling other people they annoyed and then other people are telling me.
Not a great atmosphere.

I understand how you feel! Always have felt the same, I feel I put on a lot of personas for others because originally I though it made them feel better, it makes me feel better though to pretend!

Hope you’re okay

They sound very childish. We don't seem to escape that childhood atmosphere in adulthood do we?! Their reactions say more about them than you. I'm sure you're annoyed and frustrated at the mistake too but I also imagine you wouldn't be reacting that way if they made a mistake. They will if they haven't already. No one is perfect.