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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be put out that I havn't been invited to my step-sister's wedding?

20 replies

ellideb · 13/04/2008 15:40

She is getting married this year and has said that she already has too many people going to the wedding so she's really sorry but she can't invite me aswell. My partner and I have been invited to the after party though.

Now I do feel a little bit put out as we are related, we're step sister's for God's sake, but not particularly close. I was invited to her sister's wedding last year. It makes me feel like she has a problem with me, maybe I'm being a little over sensitive?

Also my partner and I are engaged to be married in a couple of years, what should we do then? Should we invite her sister and not her? I don't want to seem petty but it has hurt my feelings a little.

Some advice from you wise and wonderful ladies please!

OP posts:

WallOfSilence · 13/04/2008 15:44

I would want to get to the bottom of this.

Is there any problems with you going?

I'm just asking as I know a man who is step-dad to 4 girls & was at none of their weddings, despite being married to their mam, as apparently their father would have been upset with him there.

So do you think there's some underlying problem you know nothing about?

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 13/04/2008 15:44

depends how many people she has going and how much she can afford i guess

I can understand why you are a little put out though

could you not go to the ceremony too? surely they are pretty much 'open' aren't they?

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2008 15:47

How close is not very close? I have step siblings, but as our parents met when we in out thirties there's no sibling relationship there.

Is she having a smaller do than her sister?

soopermum1 · 13/04/2008 15:55

would you have been annoyed if they'd run off and got married just the two of them, coz they couldn't afford to invite so many people? IMO this is the same but on a bigger scale. maybe she is having a smaller do and less people, and you have still been invited to the evening do. don't compare her wedding to her sister's or your's when your's comes around. when you plan your wedding, if you want her there and can afford it and have room, then invite her. life's too short to get into a 'you ddin't invite me so i'm not inviting you' situation.

wish her well and turn up at the evening do

Original poster

ellideb · 13/04/2008 15:58

WallOfSilence I would like to know myself if there are any problems with me going too. I didn't think there were, well not from my side anyhow. If there was a problem then it would be between my mam and her mam (sticky situation: her dad had an affair with her mam and married my mam) but my mam is still being invited!

sparkles I thought so too.

Madonna Same sort of situation as you really, they were off in uni when my sister and I were still in secondary school so saw little of them really. I'm not sure about her having a smaller do.

Thing is I would always invite family members, no question and if I have to make cuts it would be non-relations but maybe that's just me?

OP posts:

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 13/04/2008 16:05

i'd maybe just have a chat with her and find out the situation first there may be a simple explanation

plus the eveing do's are always more fun anyway!

i'd do as soopermum suggested and turn up to the evening do and congratulate them

everyone has different ways as you say, she may just have different priorities than you with regard to family and friends

I hope you sort it out

CoteDAzur · 13/04/2008 16:05

YANBU. You are family and family comes first in these organizations.

No matter how tight the budget, one can always add two more people. And even if not, she could invite two less friends.

Talk to her about it and if you get the feeling you are not too important for her, don't invite her to your wedding.

dittany · 13/04/2008 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windygalestoday · 13/04/2008 16:11

I think im reading this wrong - youve been invited to the after do (the reception?) but not the wedding (ceremony?) ANYONE can go to wedding in a church if theres no seats you stnd and generlly people wait outside too-so i dont know what the problem is?

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2008 16:11

See, I don't really see myself as a family member in the same way. My step dad yes of course. I see him a lot and he is really a grandparent to my children. But his children are, well, not friends exactly. I don't know. Like relatives you don't see that often I suppose. Perhaps it's because we live a long way apart. Perhaps it's because we are very close to our own siblings. This really wouldn't bother me though, in our situation.

LynetteScavo · 13/04/2008 16:14

At my wedding we could only have 60 people in the room, which meant I couln't invite cousins , aunts, etc.to the actuall ceremony. I didn't mean to offend them, but probably did.

Maybe she is in the same situation. If so try not to be too offended.

Do you think it could be because you have DC's and she doesn't want them making a noise during the ceremony?

TheFallenMadonna · 13/04/2008 16:15

God, don't go down that path Lynette. A whole other matrimonial can of worms

LynetteScavo · 13/04/2008 16:38

Weddings really are a mine field, aren't they?

I'm sure we offended no end of people when we were married, and DH has lost contact with a good friend who only invited us to his evening do. We didn't go as DH said it was too far to travel just for the evening. It was a very long way, but we could have stayed in a hotel. DH was just really put out at not being invited to the church ceremony.

There is alopt to be said for eloping!

Heated · 13/04/2008 17:11

You have every right to feel hurt, I would too but it's her decision, right or not.

I would say to her it's a shame, as you would have like to have seen her exchange her vows. She might explain it's the spiralling costs associated with catering the reception. In that case you could attend the ceremony and the evening do as a happy compromise.

I've had people all day at my wedding that I've only attended the evening do at theirs. It makes me look like Lady Bountiful

Original poster

ellideb · 14/04/2008 17:24

Thanks for your comments everyone!

OP posts:

branflake81 · 14/04/2008 17:31

Can see why you're annoyed but I really wouldn't be - she has to draw the line somewhere and, as you say, you've never been super close. She may well have a host of friends she is closer to than she is to you who she would prefer to be there. It's not a slight on you, it's just how it is.

sponkle · 14/04/2008 17:50

Maybe people view step siblings differently to others. I got very excited when my step sister and I were both pregnant at the same time as I thought it would mean that we would be closer. As it turns out (after a bit of a family showdown at Christmas) both my step siblings view my sister and I as 'extended family' ie on the christmas card list but not much more than that. My sister and I both embraced the possibilty of more siblings when our parents married (while we were late teens early twenties)and tried really hard to develop close friendships with them. They however do not want to know. Just because our parents are married doesn't mean we are a 'big family' it just means that our parents are married and thats all we have in common. A big shame really but in my opinion it's more to do with their unresolved issues centred around their parents marriage breaking up than anything personal. Try not to take the lack of a wedding inviation personally/ to heart and be as gracious as you possibly can be.

Original poster

ellideb · 14/04/2008 19:54

That is so true sponkle, very similar to my situation, great advice, thanks!

OP posts:

quint · 15/04/2008 22:38

When I got married I didn't invite any of my step or half siblings. (well I did one in the end as I know that it made my Dad(step dad) happy but she hasn;t talked to him since!)

I'm not close to any of them really and I objected to having to pay for 14 people (the 7 of them, plus their partners) that I hardly knew at the expense of very good friends.

Would you be as pissed off it were a birthday party?

Everyone seems to get so stressed about wedding invites. When any of my step/half brothers and sisters get married, if they invite me it will be lovely but I certainly won't get offended if they don't. Their wedding, they're payng for it, they can choose who goes.

benandalex · 15/04/2008 22:46

I wouldnt invite my step brother or sister as to be completley honest i dont class them even as extended family but thats an entirely differnt story altogether lol

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