Don't understand what's wrong with me

[Zaynab2945]

So I have 3 kids, 8,7 and 10 months. I've been married for 10 years in September. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just physically exhausted, feel so unhappy, feel unhappy with my life, sometimes even my children. It's hard to post this but just need to get my feelings out somewhere.
I feel so emotionally and mentally drained, my husband is always working and never at home, due to this baby only wants to be with me and only settles with me and doesn't go to my husband, my older two children are great with the baby. I'm a stay at home mum but have a small buisness I do from home. Husband is never home, I do everything with the children and house which is OK because I stay at home to raise them and I know I am lucky enough to be able to do that. But he's never home, never helps out and I'm exhausted. The baby is so difficult, she's been the most difficult baby out of all my children. I just can't get a break, not to mention she's 10 months old and hasn't slept a full night yet, for 5 weeks she has been waking up 4 to 5 times a night for feeds. Last night she was awake crying all night and I was so exhausted. My husband never gets up with baby during the night so I literally haven't slept for 10 months and then I don't have time to rest during the day because I am running around all day doing everything else. It's hard to explain but it's got to the point I feel so ill, for the last couple of weeks it's got worse. I have been having a lot of dizziness which is getting worse. Today I went out with the kids and I was in the middle of the shop holding the baby because she's going through a stage she doesn't want to sit in her pram and I felt like I was going to faint,everything was spinning and I had to sit down. This is something that is getting worse as the days go on. I've been to the doctors a number of times, they've said I had slightly low iron and given me iron tablets which I've taken but it's something that keeps getting worse, I genuinely feel so ill and weak and as the days go on I get less and less energy. I don't know if there is a problem and something wrong or if I am at the point of severe exhaustion and its having a bad affect on my body. I don't even know what to do or how to explain it, the only way I can explain it is that I feel so ill and weak but it's not like a cold or flu it feels like I just feel so weak, and no energy at all to do any thing, dizziness etc.

On top of everything else I did have the hardest delivery of all with baby. Which has been affecting me these last few weeks when i remember it.I would say I never fully recovered after my birth ( which is another story it itself) I had my mother in law with me for the birth, who witnessed this happen, all the doctors rushed in as soon as baby was born because I was hemorrhaging immediately after she was born, I lost so much blood, plus on top off that a 3rd degree tear. My mother in law came to visit and stay with us to "help" but the day I came home from the hospital I wanted to go back, she had left my house a complete mess, I was crying in pain the day after the horrific birth running around cleaning the house and she kept rubbing her legs saying I can't do the cleaning I'm old ( she's 50, no health problems) I never spent a day in bed to recover after baby, even though she came here to "help" 3 days after she threw a party for the baby at our house and was having me run around working and getting food ready etc, day 5 my husbands brother got engaged and she invited everyone to the house for a party. My sister in law said she would make some food because she could see I was clearly ill and passed off at this point and the baby needed to be breastfed, yet my mother in law said to my sister in law, no she will make the food and clean up. Its something that I have been remembering for the past few weeks and crying about, in a way I blame her for all the problems I am having now because if I never would have accepted her invite to come and help I would have rested properly after birth. When I brought this up to her and my husband they said " we thought you wanted her to come to look after the new baby so you can do house work not rest " what did you expect.

I have booked another doctors appointment for Tuesday, but I just feel so dizzy all the time and feel so ill and weak, on top of a baby who won't sleep at all and who is constantly crying to be picked up and I have absolutely no help because my husband is never here, my own family live 3 hours away. I'm scared something is really wrong with my health. Some days I genuinely feel like I'm going to die I feel that bad. Any advice on what to do?

That's alot of running around when you should have been resting. Sorry your mil was such a cow to you. Have you had a blood test to check your thyroid? The tiredness and dizziness could be because of a thyroid issue on top of your low iron. It sounds like you really need to get your husband to help out because it sounds like you're heading for a breakdown and that's not good for you or the kids. Are you able to get any help in at all? I do understand how it feels doing all of the childcare especially when baby only wants to you. Doctor and a stern chat with husband before you make yourself really ill💐

Your husband and Mil - that is what's wrong. HTH.

What is wrong is that you are absolutely burnt out and have depression and anxiety as a result. I would seriously consider moving closer to your family and away from your useless husband and MIL if that is a possibility.

I wonder, and it would be very understandable, if you are overbreathing due to the stress and utter exhaustion you are under?
Thus would make you dizzy and feel like you are going to faint. It can also, ironically, make you feel breathless, as uf you can't catch your breath.
Overbreathing is often something you're not conscious of.
Poor you, sounds awful. Xx

Are you and your husband from different cultures?

Op I won't get into the family stuff but you could be very anaemic after all that blood loss and sometimes iron tablets don't work and you'll need a transfusion. Don't wait till you pass out - the dizziness is worrying, go back to the docs or call 111.

You need to put yourself first.

No wonder you’re exhausted! Ask for blood tests to check if you’re lacking anything, but you need to arrange some rest! Would your SIL help, since she’s the only one who seems to have a heart? You poor soul.

I'd go and stay with your family for the holidays. And tell your husband that unless he actually takes part in family life and supports you with your health, wellbeing and with parenting and housework you won't be returning.

OP I am so so sorry you are going through and having to deal with all this. I had a traumatic labour & birth with my last child & 14 years later I still can’t really talk about it/get into my feelings from it. It definitely affected my bond with my baby, my relationship (I was completely ‘touched out’, felt pulled in every direction) & my health. Plus as I was bf’ing my ex ‘couldn’t help’ so everything was on me - it’s exhausting. It sounds to me like you need a blood test from the dr to rule out anemia etc but you also sound depressed & anxious- which is hardly surprising! Can you talk to your dr about your MH/feelings? As an outsider, you have far too much on your plate, you definitely haven’t recovered mentally & maybe physically from the birth & the dizzyness & breathlessness I think are anxiety. I would seriously consider antidepressants to try & help bring up/stabilise your MH. I would also have a serious discussion with DH about expectations from each other & also start putting some savings away for you/your family if the situation doesn’t improve- it’s very very lonely & hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t help pull their weight/support & appreciate you! I separated with my ex when my kids were 16, 8, 7 & 4 & although 10 years on he’s not involved or sees the children at all, knowing you have to do everything yourself is completely different from being in a relationship & having to do everything by yourself. Focus on YOU, on self care, try to have a bath (door locked & no ‘rescuing’ DH or DC) or go for a drive/leave the house ALONE as the DH has no choice but to help raise your family. Get some counselling to help in general/with birth trauma, put yourself higher up the list as a PERSON, not just mum & put your foot down about what happens in YOUR home. I know it feels like the whole world is against you, especially when you aren’t getting sleep, but the only person that can save you IS you. You deserve a happy, fulfilled life but you are going to have to be the one who grabs it & decides whether it includes your DH. Big hugs to you, you’re doing amazingly and you will get through this x

No wonder you are having health problems, you need sleep and lots of it.
You wrote 4 times that your DH is never at home. This is the crux of the problem. Where is he in the evenings and the weekends ?
He needs to step up, but for that to happen you need to make him understand that you are on the edge of a breakdown.

Why on earth did you do the catering after birth ?

Personally, I would just break down completely and not function anymore until DH steps up and you get a plan in place for you to get better.
What is your financial situation like ? Could you get a nanny or nursery place for the baby a few times a week whilst the older ones are at school so you can rest and recuperate ?

Hmm. I am from an Asian background and have seen some very unrealistic demands made of new mums. Thankfully not in my family. But there seems to be little consideration of what the new mum has been through. And an expectation to run round mils who act older than they are. Of course not all families but there are some cultural factors at play I am guessing from your name.

Ofc you are exhausted. Your husband needs to sit down, really listen and make changes to his job. There is always a solution. This cannot go on. He will show you his true colours when you raise the issues.

You are important. And exhausted x

I would move closer to your family, your husband and MIL are toxic and will only add to your spiralling health. You need rest, lots and lots of rest.

Oh Zaynab I really feel bad for you. So much of what you wrote resonated with me. More so the birth and loss of blood and how I felt for months after. Definitely get yourself checked out and ask for blood test. The hospital really stuffed up with me and when they sent me up to ward didn't even write down i had lost blood. The nursing auxiliary noticed I couldn't sit up or do anything and looked into it. Suddenly I was in a side room and told I wasn't allowed to pick baby up. It's been ten years and I'm still angry about it. They said it was too late to a transfusion as well. God I thought I was going to die pushing the pram. Horrendous.
Family didn't help either and DH was working constantly. You need to be nearer to your family and support network.

If you're not already, look into safe co-sleeping with the baby. Chuck the husband into a separate room. I found I got way more sleep co-sleeping as the baby was more content and able to feed easily. It's also much less exhausting not having to get up and down continually un the night.

Well done for seeking help from the doctor. Is your mum able to come and look after you for a bit? Or a nanny for a couple of weeks for the kids so you can focus on resting and eating well and building yourself back up?

Could you take the baby to nursery a couple of times a week?

Best wishes to you.

Sounds like you had a very traumatic birth experience, and may be having some ptsd. Your MIL and husband made it even worse by their callousness. Absolutely horrible.
I wonder if you can get some support - some counseling? It sounds like the memories that are bothering you need to be dealt with by a kind professional, skilled in trauma.

I am livid on your behalf, OP- having you run around like that when you’ve just given birth is unconscionable.

if you can find a therapist, they might help you start expressing your needs and saying NO to these people and their demands.

and your husband can just fuck right off for not protecting you.

How are you today, OP?
Thinking of you. X

Your husband is the problem. Why was he not looking after his house and children after you'd just given birth.
Your MIL is your second problem. But your dh should've sorted this.

You sound very run down and stressed. You're obviously sleep deprived which can cause dizziness. Are you eating enough?

Hi, thanks for all your replies. I tried talking to my husband but it didn't end well.
For those that asked, yes my husband is Pakistani and I am English revert.

I tried talking to him last night but it ended in an argument, he says " oh your always tired" when I told him I didn't feel well. It ended up in an argument about other things and he ended up calling me "english blood" what ever that even means. He said alot of hurtful things just because I said I'm so tired and don't feel well.

I don't know what to do anymore,or if i even want to stay here,I've been upset all day.

I have my doctors appointment on Tuesday so I am going to write everything down what I want to say.

I do things it's a mixture of me being very run down to possibly starting to become depressed.

Thank you all for your replies, it helps so much talking to others and not feeling judged or that I'm being ungrateful for how I feel.

Honestly leave the marriage and move near your family. He sounds like a twat

As someone who has friends in these situations, I am so sorry to say that I don’t think things will improve. I wish you could get out of this marriage. His mum and family will always come first. Take care x

OP do you have contact details of a health visitor? I think you need to get in touch.

And ask your GP if they can refer to your local perinatal MH team. Be very open and honest. Please.

Would your family come and collect you and take you to their house for a week or two?

Good grief. Never underestimate how much sleep deprivation can slowly build up and almost break you. It did to me with ds2 who cried most nights, and I then fell to my knees and burst into tears.

You need a calm plan of action. Get any sleep you can. Write your thoughts carefully in a note, so you can talk to the GP in a coherent way, and not appear unhinged!

Please get out of this marriage and situation. He's giving you a clear indication of what you mean to him ... Nothing. I don't say that to be blunt he's a shithead who is still tied to his mother. As a PP said his mother and family will always come first and the racial slurs are him showing you what he actually thinks of you and probably what he'll come to think of his daughter😡🤬

Please go and stay with your family if you can!

Your husband has just destroyed the marriage by dismissing you when you tried to talk to him.
He may not realise this, you may not leave straight away, but the message from him is clear. He will not support or help you in anyway, you're going to have to look after yourself so you are able to look after your children.

I think your future plans need to take this into account.