To contact his mum for help

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A bit of background first - when DH and I had a baby a couple of years ago he had a MH breakdown very shortly after. For various reasons there wasn't much help available to us and honestly, I'm still not quite sure how we got through it, but somehow, we did. He has since had counselling, recognises how close we were to breaking up and is thankful that we are still together.

Cut to today and I am weeks away from another baby and his MH has been progressively declining. His temper is short and he gets angry and frustrated over the tiniest of things. I have been gently raising this with him but it's not having much of an effect. It's basically got to a point where I cant be certain he is not going to have another breakdown, which 1) I am not sure how I would cope with now there are multiple children involved and 2) I don't think I want to be the one that holds us together again.

When he calms down, we have good conversations, he recognises the problem and agrees to urgent further counselling. But it's not long before he looses his temper and forgets everything. I am exhausted.
To be clear there is no violence, and I don't fear that. The vast majority of the time he is wonderful but I am noticing a worrying decline and I don't feel like I am in a position to give him the help he needs.
The only person who I can think of to help is his mum. For me and for him. But I know he would be angry at me contacting her (he knows I have told her about last time and asked her to keep an eye on him, and that made him upset initially)

Thoughts would be welcome please - any any advice!

Of course! Don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help. You need help and so does he.

It could be taking the form of helping you around the house, shopping etc or could be talking to your DH and having him stay at hers for a few days. Regardless, I’m sure she will be happy to help.

Don’t be embarrassed! Don’t feel like you are betraying your husband. You are being a good wife and mother. Good luck

Can you speak to your midwife about it?

Thank you both.
I will mention this to my midwife- they are amazing so hopefully will be able to provide him with some support.
And thankyou TwistyBranch. I'm predisposed to not sharing difficult family times (thanks, childhood!) I think I just need someone to tell me it's OK to ask for help

I think it's fine to ask his Mum for help, in your shoes I'd be asking as many people as possible! Do you have any contacts from when he had his previous breakdown? You might be able to get hold of the local Psychiatric Care or Mental Health Team and ask them for advice? Maybe even your GP?

OP, may I ask what form his breakdown took previously, and what warning signs you are seeing now? I am asking because in your original post you have only described behaviours such as losing his temper and being angry. The advice posters will give you will vary based on what exactly it is that you're dealing with.

It's not a good sign that he would be angry at you reaching out to his mother (and was upset by it previously). What does he expect you to do, just take his anger and temper and not tell anyone about it?

It is not fair or reasonable for a man to be angry around his wife and small children, or to kick off if his wife wants to talk to someone about what he's doing. Put yourself and your children first. Sadly it's evident that he won't.

I have been gently raising this with him but it's not having much of an effect.

Stop being gentle OP. It's not done anyone any good so far. It's time for some plain speaking so decide what YOU want to happen first.

If YOU want him to seek urgent counselling then give a deadline and a consequence of failing, ie he has to move out until he is more balanced. That could take a week, a month, a year, or never. But you need to protect yourself and two little ones now.

I would definitely mention it to the midwife as she will probably be able to find more support for you. I woukd ask his mum for help once the baby is born - she will see how bad it is without being told plus you will get practical help with the toddler.

So what do you want to happen?

As someone who has had a couple of significant mental health episodes in my life I completely understand why he doesn't want you to contact his mum, the feeling of not having any control over your life - being 'babied' or bossed about, if you like - is horrible. BUT. You have one v young child and about to have a baby. You are vulnerable, physically and emotionally, and will be for a while to come. You need support, and you need to be safe, well and rested in order to care for your children. And you can't achieve that on your own if he is spiraling again, it's too much.

I'd suggest telling him plainly - "this is what I'm going to do for the good of our family", devise a plan and stick to it. If his Mum is willing and able to help you, fantastic.

Best of luck

Circumstances are different for you now plus you have experience of what it took to get you both back on an even keel. It’s not surprising that you don’t want to do this again. I would suggest that more children is not a great idea after this baby. I’ve seen this type of male mental health issues before, the trigger is childbirth and babies. It can take a long time to improve. I most definitely would ask for help. If you can, think about where you could go for help - can you stay at parents for a while. Leave him at home with his mum popping in. I hope you find a way through this.

Is he open to contacting his GP or you doing it on his behalf. I think it’s fine to contact his mum as long as she’s in a position cope, but I also wouldn’t assume she’s going to be able to help. It might help him see he needs to take action though.