Who is being unreasonable over birthday present?

[VampireFinch]

A few months ago my husband accidentally broke a piece of camera equipment belonging to me. It was a genuine accident and just one of those things that happens - no hard feelings. It is, however, expensive to replace. We decided we didn’t have the money to do so right away, and so would wait until we could afford it. My husband has been putting aside money now and then to save for a replacement.

It was my birthday last week and as a gift my husband bought me a replacement of the broken equipment. This has led to a minor dispute / discussion over gift etiquette.

My POV is that replacing something you broke isn’t a substitute for a gift. He was obliged to replace the broken item, and doing so for my birthday in place of a gift leaves me in a worse off position overall.

His POV is that the replacement item cost more than we would usually spend on birthday gifts and it was therefore reasonable. I also got the replacement a lot quicker as a result of it being a gift - in effect, my gift is the additional time I have with the replacement which I wouldn’t have got if I’d had a birthday gift and had to wait longer for him to afford the replacement.

This is clearly a low stakes problem! But I’d be interested to know the consensus on which of us is being reasonable.

I'd be pissed bless it was an upgrade on the one he broke

You are correct
so he gifts you something you already had until he broke it

What did you want for your birthday instead? I don’t think I would mind this, but my husband is thoughtful and caring so I would treat the gesture in the kindness he meant it. If there was a history of not being thoughtful or caring, then I’d be more pissed off.

Your correct op. He should replace and not substitute it for a gift

He's being lazy and selfish

I can understand where you're coming from, but if money is tight, it was a way of getting it for you quicker. If money was tight for us and I really wanted/needed the equipment, I'd be fine with it.

If you're not happy, I suppose you can say you'd like another gift when he had the money, but that all seems a bit transactional to me, like you're keeping score on gifts, which I wouldn't want to do personally.

And this.

He's a cheeky toad, op! Your gift is the additional time with the item 🤔

I agree it would feel a bit transactional. I’m not expecting another gift now - we don’t tend to go mad for birthdays and I accept that he did what he thought was right at the time. He wasn’t trying to weasel out of getting me a present, he genuinely thought this was a good solution in our particular circumstances.

It has just sparked a broader discussion about how we view presents and gift giving.

He’s lovely, and usually does get thoughtful presents. That’s one reason why this hasn’t been anything like a fight - just a difference of opinion over gift giving.

and doing so for my birthday in place of a gift leaves me in a worse off position overall.

This is very nitpicky and transactional for a marriage.

Considering your husband had to save for a while for the camera surely he couldn’t financially replace it and get you an expensive gift?

my gift is the additional time I have with the replacement

You wouldn’t need additional time with the replacement if your DH wasn’t a DickHead in the first place.

We don’t ever do expensive presents, just small thoughtful things. I knew he was saving for the camera equipment and that we would eventually replace it when the funds were there (I’ve been contributing too when I’ve had spare cash).

I appreciate it sounds nitpicky, though I stress there have been no fights or recriminations. It has just shown that we have a different approach to presents and I’m interested to see how others view the situation.

He really isn’t a dickhead! Even if I think his approach is wrong on this issue it doesn’t change that he’s a lovely man :)

I'm in your camp OP, he broke your camera part, and agreed to replace it, but that was separate to your birthday, and should have been treated so.

He's a lovely man who didn't get you a birthday present, but point taken.

Replacing something of your he broke is not - and never will be - a present. A present is something you aren't getting anyway. An actual gift, not something he already owes you.

If your brother owed you £20 and put it in a birthday card, that wouldn't make it a present, would it?

Would he be annoyed if you bought him something very generic for his birthday, like a car cleaning kit or a Netflix gift card to pay the bill, or would he not care?

You're right and not transactional. It wasn't a thoughtful gift.

I would just be pleased I got the replacement equipment quicker than expected.

I am with you on this OP!!

I'd buy something that is needed for the household for his birthday rather than something for him eg a new iron/airfryer etc.

I'm on your side OP. How about you break his favourite mug each year and buy him a replacement as a gift

It’s not great…I think I wouldn’t mind too much though if he handed you the replacement item plus another small gift, even if it’s a cheap one, because I understand that money can be tight and needs to be well invested and I’d usually not care about the material worth of a present. But giving you just the replacement item seems like a too easy way out.

I think you'll get mixed views on this (especially as it was expensive) but I agree with you. However it probably seemed perfectly logical to him as it would to many others. I can imagine my husband doing the same.

When I was in my teens my dad broke my camera so that the flash was no longer workable. He and mum then got me a new one for my birthday. I have to say I was a bit put out. It would have felt different if I'd broken it myself! My parents thought I was ungrateful as I now had an (admittedly) better/newer camera and my old one as a spare I could use for outdoor stuff. But I can't imagine using that logic myself if I broke someone else's stuff.

These things happen but I'd not be happy with it as a gift.

But have you not considered insurance?

We did speak to our broker because it would have been covered under our home insurance but then with the excess and the increased premiums it ended up not being worth it (in our view).