Nobody else sees the mess

[Sunshine187]

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. I really need to offload to strangers as I'm being made to feel like I'm insane in my real life! I'm just feeling so so down about having to be responsible for every single part of day to day life. I feel like I literally spend all my time at home just wandering round with things to do, tidying, cleaning, washing, sorting, life admin etc. 3 of us live in a 4 bed house (me, h and 11 year old.son) and it is bursting at the seams as Im the only person who ever tidies and gets rid of stuff. I'm a supply teacher part time so I understand that I should.take on the bulk of the house work etc. but I do it all including every single but of life admin. When I tell my husband I'm.feeling overwhelmed he tells me there's something wrong with me, that I get like this every month and I need to keep a diary so I can look back on how I say the same old thing every month. This has just been said to me minutes after I've rushed up to the shops to get his mother a bday present as he's completely forgotten about it. I'm in physical pain today from hours of gardening alone as I'm desperately just trying to keep on top of things but have overdone it so my body is in agony. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to have a lovely, tidy, presentable home as being made to feel like there's nothing to.do and I'm just making up.jobs to be a martyr? Do I just need to lower my standards or suck it up?

At 11 your son needs to start doing small jobs, at the very least cleaning up after himself.
You need to start enforcing that, else he'll grow up thinking you're his skivvy.

Yes, I am making him do more as he gets stuff out all the time then just walks away so I'm being tougher on him.

There’s really no way of knowing if you need to lower your standards. Honestly it might be part of it.
Working part time and with an 11 year old in school it should be more than possible to keep a tidy home without feeling like every spare second is spent tidying.
Your 11y should be tidying their room, putting their clothes in the wash and unloading the dishwasher.
DH should be doing the odd task in the evenings and weekends.

It shouldn’t be this overwhelming.

Well you can stop organising your husband's admin for a start. He can get his own family cards and use a calendar.

Can you pay a gardener if it's physically difficult for you to do it.

Your son is old enough to do basic chores.

You need to allocate chores to your husband such as cooking, bins, hoovering.

I'm wondering how much admin there is. Surely you have DD for bills etc

I'm also wondering how much cleaning there is every day with three people in the house.

Your husband sounds very belittling. He doesn't listen, refuses to help and blames your hormones. He needs a kick up the backside.

Agree with this 100%.

I've got a messy DH. It's soul destroying op. Start by handing him a laundry basket and saying from now on you do your own. If he doesn't wash his clothes it's on him. Can you establish a regular cleaning weekend where you all blitz it? I also found buggering off for a while helps as they suddenly realise you are important in their lives.

and I need to keep a diary so I can look back on how I say the same old thing every month.
Do it. Write down what you do and how long. Or how long your sit downs/rests were actually.
Started at 10am. Brought washing down, sorted into loads, put on washer.
Went into front room and collected last nights pots of (list pots), wiped biscuit crumbs off DH table and wiped up his spilt tea.
Include how many times you go up/down stairs and with what.
Put finish time with how long you had breaks, ie 10am to 10pm. 12 hours minus 2 hours worth of break including diary time.

I've rushed up to the shops to get his mother a bday present as he's completely forgotten about it.
Stop doing that. He can either rush to the shops OR tell his own mother he forgot. Drop that rope, its very freeing. He can also do his own Christmas shopping for his family, as well as future birthdays and mothers/fathers days. Only way he will understand tbh.

Delegate certain admin jobs to DH. Yes it will be down to you to remember when car insurance or mot is due but one month before tell DH he is sorting out the mot or the insurance.

EDIT - BTW I do understand how soul destroying it is. That's why I'm getting rid of the half that messes up the house and creates the stress and resentment. I'm very much looking forward to a clean and tidy house that I'll have by Christmas 😉

I think the problem is now it's the summer holidays I'm in major sort out mode where I want to do the jobs that get left throughout the year. And it all gets a bit much when I think about how much I'd like to do. Perhaps I need to just be a bit more realistic of what's achievable and important. I just felt upset being made to feel like there's something wrong with me every month for just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

But you only work part time throughout the year, so how many things reasonably couldn’t be accomplished during that time?
It’s not like you’re looking after a baby while trying to keep the floors clean from crumbs for the 3rd time that day. Your DH and DS are out of the house during your days off, presumably your DS is self sufficient on the weekends too and had activities etc.
You still shouldn’t have to be spending all summer ‘sorting things out’ unless this is how your stress and anxiety manifests and you’re creating jobs for the sake of it.

Stop doing it. Stop all the "wife work" for your DH, particularly anything to do with birthdays and christmas for HIS family. Not your monkeys, not your circus. Don't do any of his admin. He can do his own ironing etc.

Men need to learn that a "wife" is not a domestic appliance.

I just felt upset being made to feel like there's something wrong with me every month for just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Its a form of DARVO. He blames you to keep you unbalanced otherwise you would see how lazy and selfish he is being. He's not an equal partner, he's not even a supportive one. So it's in his interests to blame you. Doesn't make it true.

Your husband shouldn't be speaking to you like that, but honestly ... you work part time 38 weeks of the year and have an 11 year old... it shouldn't be that hard....
You need to break it down.
And stop buying his family gifts- he can order online if he's forgotten.

Stop being upset and start getting angry and take action!!! DH should be getting his mum’s birthday present. I’ve just given my DH his second and final reminder of that - I do no more. If he forgets, that’s his problem.

Don’t push yourself so hard with the gardening.

And if they won’t help with sorting out, then you aren’t responsible if something gets chucked that they wanted. Have a good clear out and get rid of it.

Why did you go and buy his mother's present?

"When I tell my husband I'm.feeling overwhelmed he tells me there's something wrong with me, that I get like this every month and I need to keep a diary so I can look back on how I say the same old thing every month"

Probably said very rudely but actually not a terrible idea. I also want to divorce my husband the day before my period and then fine the next.

"after I've rushed up to the shops to get his mother a bday present as he's completely forgotten about it"

you didnt need to do that

"I'm in physical pain today from hours of gardening alone as I'm desperately just trying to keep on top of things"

you also didnt need to do that

I suspect there is two issues here.
Firstly DH and your son should help. We spend an hour doing family cleaning at the weekend. That gets most of the weekly type tasks done.
Or (or as well as) assign them particular tasks. I'd suggest the ones you care about least or hate most.

Secondly, I suspect your standards are too high. Do 2 adults and an 11 year old really generate that much mess? Surely if you get rid of stuff then it stays got rid of - this is isn't a perpetually recurring task.

If you are affected by your hormones every month and you don’t have a disease that flares up on a monthly basis, there is nothing wrong with you. It is just how your body works.

If he has noticed that you struggle each and every month, why hasn’t he offered to help you. It’s really quite nasty that he thinks there’s something wrong with you but feels completely detached and that it shouldn’t affect his comfort at all. That it’s something you need to sort out and not let it affect your work as his housekeeper, gardener, personal assistant and the nanny.

I would just stop doing everything, full stop!
Then they’ll see just what you do. Renegotiate everything from there. While you’re running around doing everything, it’s just become their norm

Also, your son may well resist doing tasks around the home as he will see his father as an example of what boys/men do. DH needs to be a better father as well as a better husband

Can you get a black bin bag and just work your way through the house. Keep 4pans,2frying pans 8 mugs, 1 slice,1serving spoon .2pens,one note pad, 4teatowels, 3roasting /baking tins etc

Trouble is I live with 2 hoarders so the house is bursting with crap that nobody needs but they are unwilling to part with. So anything new that gets brought into the house just adds to the volume of stuff. My husband has clothes that are 10+ years old shoved in his drawers that he never wears and my son won't get rid of toys that he's well passed playing with. It's so exhausting!

Take the rest to charity shop or the tip -it’s the dealing with stuff that can be overwhelming but take it all to the tip, DONE

If it is "bursting at the seams" then you need to get rid of stuff. You'd be surprised how much easier it is to keep things tidy when there are not a million things to put away. Other suggestion- Capsule wardrobe for the 3 of you- less laundry, if you have a porch 1-3 pairs of shoes 1-2 jackets per person allowed only, shoes off as soon as you enter the house. No food outside kitchen/dining room. Plan meals and make them easy ,i.e. should not take longer than 30 min to cook dinner. Life admin- husband can at the very least do his side of the family for cards and presents and either kid activities or doctor/dentist appointments. Good luck!

Why does it matter what your DH has in his drawers?

Plenty of children still like to be reminded of their younger childhood and have toys in their room that they don’t play with. He’s still young.
He should be tidying up his room and after himself and having a few light chores but he doesn’t need to bin his whole childhood.

Bag it and put it in the garage. If they do decide to wear it/play with it they can go and get it. If it’s been there a year dump it.
Clearing out is wonderfully exhilarating - just do it