To try to break my old people pleasing habits in dating

[pickmepickmepls]

I have always been one of those people that will go over and above to accommodate and help anyone I'm romantically involved in. Since I had my first boyfriend at 11 years old.

Dunno where I got it from, my mum, my aunts and my grandmother were all single parents so it's not like I saw women doting on husbands.

I'm forever offering to do things to make their life easier, even if it's at my own expense.

You're flying back from your holiday to an airport that's no where near my house? In the middle of my working day? I'm absolutely going to offer to pick you up.

Your mum's, dog's, aunt's, neighbour is coming to town? Why don't they stay at my place? Let me get you a key cut!

You suggested meeting at 1pm but I've got plans at that time? Course I won't suggest another time! I'll just move my plans.

I've been single for 4 years now so I've kind of forgotten that side of my personality, but I'm 4 months into a new relationship and I can see it creeping back in.

Just found myself googling how long it'll take me to drive to pick him up from a mate's house this weekend so he can have a drink that night and doesn't have to drive. It's 90
mins away and I had to stop myself offering anyway.

I really want to break the cycle. It never serves me that well in a relationship and I end up getting taken advantage of OR they get annoyed because I'm behaving like their mum.

Is anyone a recovered people pleaser? Especially in romantic relationships?

How do you break the cycle???

Fairly recently I trained to become a Samaritan. It may surprise you to know that they beat this out of you during the training. Best thing I’ve ever learned. Instead of rushing to find a solution for every man and his dog’s problems I will now say (and mean), ‘oh dear, sorry to her that. I hope you find a solution/ what do you think would help/ let’s arrange a meet up after x/y or z’.

It’s life changing. And when you have become that pushover you also find that people treat you as such.

Do it.

You’re already aware that your a people pleaser so that’s a great first step, acknowledgment.

I’m a recovering people pleaser (lol) and honestly the only person who can break the cycle is yourself.

It’s kind to do things for others every so often, there’s nothing wrong with that. But when it becomes a vicious cycle and depremental to your own health. It’s bad.

I can’t give you a step by step guide to stopping yourself. You just have to continuously put yourself first and snap out of it every day.

then one day you’ll be like wow the relief I feel not having to be someone’s mum. Is great

It's strange one as some people genuinely get a pleasure from helping others.
You have to think where it came from. It's not necessarily to do with being influenced by e we omen in your family but what you were taught when younger.
Did you get lots of attention and praise when you were helpful? Maybe that was the only time you get to feel proud of yourself?
That's got you to figure out.

Just remember that it's not always good for everyone if you're running around rescuing people and putting yourself below on the priority list.
People have inner resources and problem solving skills of their own. It's linked to their own self esteem and self worth. You're not better at it than they are (not meant to be an insult)
Focus on solving your own problems and understand that when people tell you something, they're not looking for you to solve their problems.

I'm a people pleaser. I've trained myself to put a number on it: if I can do some that is 10/10 a lifesaver for someone else and a 3/10 inconvenience to me, it's a no-brainer.

If it's a 9/10 inconvenience to me (e.g.) putting clothes on, cancelling my evening's TV plans and driving 90 mins to do something the guy could achieve by shelling out for a mini cab: nope. Unless there's a spectacular shag in it for me

I don’t know but I have come to the conclusion that I am not safe to have a relationship because my judgement turns to shit and my boundaries disappear.
Not something I want to risk ever again.

You need to have therapy before you have your next relationship.

In order to understand how to stop being a pp - you need to find out why you became one in the first place. Did your parents expect you to put their needs first? Were you low on self esteem because you were bullied or harmed during childhood? What motivates you to be so 'helpful' and 'nice'?

The reason I was able to stop, really was because I didn't feel liked or enough as I was, I didn't feel I would be good enough without all of the giving and helping. I had to make it up to people, make it worth their time because my company was not good enough.

Finding out why you have low self esteem and don't feel fine just as you are, without doing everything for everyone is a major life breakthrough! You can feel liberated, more caring of yourself and needs, and start to take care of yourself for the first time. You can learn to say good luck with that, rather than take responsibility for everything. You can focus on your own life more often and enjoy taking time to work on your own self.

So whilst I could tell you to count to 10 before agreeing to anything, and consider the impact on YOU before you say yes, and weigh it up slowly, it won't really help unless you look at the root of the issue.

Another thing I've noticed is that people seem to lose respect for people pleasers and start taking advantage of them.
If you have strong boundaries, people respect you more.

Therapy

I'm forever offering to do things to make their life easier, even if it's at my own expense.

You're flying back from your holiday to an airport that's no where near my house? In the middle of my working day? I'm absolutely going to offer to pick you up.

Your mum's, dog's, aunt's, neighbour is coming to town? Why don't they stay at my place? Let me get you a key cut!

You suggested meeting at 1pm but I've got plans at that time? Course I won't suggest another time! I'll just move my plans.

I guess you need to work out why you do these things.