To wonder if this is some kind of defence mechanism?

[confusedasall]

I am dating a guy who is the loveliest person ever via text. We text a lot as we both have kids so don't get to catch up as much as we'd like. His texts aren't love-bomb-y or anything, they're just very affectionate and kind. He really says such considerate and sweet things (not cheesy or anything). They seem absolutely genuine.

I've also heard him on the phone with his kids and he seems a fairly fun, upbeat, loving dad.

In real life however, he's quite stand-offish and sometimes even abrasive. Even more strange is that he's very physically affectionate with me but not with his words. He comes across quite cold sometimes.

He has quite a traumatic past with a horrible abusive ex wife who left unexpectedly in the middle of the night and then put him through hell to get shared custody of his kids. He also went to boarding school at a young age and I know he has a lot of trauma around that.

I care deeply for him. We have a lot of shared values and have really worked hard to make the effort for one another despite our custody schedules and work. However, sometimes I feel a bit gutted when I'm there in person and he's not the same lovely person I chat to by text. Sometimes I feel quite drained by trying to be cheery all the time around his energy.

That's only one aspect of a bigger picture though. In addition to the lovely persona via texts, he is massively helpful, accommodating, thoughtful and generous. For example two weeks ago he gave me a bottle of a perfume I'd said I'd liked while we were in Debenhams. It was such a lovely thing to do but he handed it over like a sulky teenager "oh by the way, I remembered you said you really like the smell of that perfume so I bought you some".

Last night we unexpectedly had a pocket of time to meet up. He called me and said something like "yeah you can come over but there isn't any food here and I've already eaten anyway". And when I showed up, he'd cooked me my favourite meal and bought my favourite dessert that I'd only ever mentioned to him in passing.

I've definitely never dated anyone so thoughtful or who makes such an effort to make time for me, even when it's inconvenient.

But the weird abrasive coldness is such a weird part of him.

I know none of us actually have the answer here, I'm just interested to hear of anyone's experiences, thoughts, suggestions.

Op, all Debenhams stores closed for good in 2021.

Many thanks for trying to call me out when I was trying to be less identifying! The store in question is specific to where I live in the U.K so I didn't want to be too identifying.

Had no idea about Debenhams though.

2 weeks ago we went to "insert name of very lovely boutique perfume shop where I live that I substituted Debenhams for as I live in a small town and was trying to be anonymous".

It sounds like it’s just his way. I think he sounds pleasant and genuine from what you’ve said. Do you feel it’s getting better as he gets to know you better? Perhaps with his difficult childhood he finds it hard to open up in person.

I hope so. The reason I posted today was because I actually left our date at his house early last night, as I was a bit over the abrasive manner. Everything I said was met with either disinterest, sarcasm or disagreement

E.g - "isn't the sky nice and blue?"

"Haven't really looked at it. Not really bothered about blue skies anyway. Why do you even care about the sky?"

And before I'd even got home he'd text to say what a great time he had and that he loved cooking for me and how proud he was of me for some work exams I just passed!!!

And it's like this ALL the time except when we crack open a bottle of wine (which we don't if one of us is driving, so it's rare we do).__

" Everything I said was met with either disinterest, sarcasm or disagreement "

That would really put me off OP. Deal breaker.

I think it may be for me too, sadly. I'm so torn between biding my time to see if it is just a defensiveness that'll pass in time as we get to know each other and cutting my losses before I get even more feelings for him.

The other stuff is all so good and lovely, but I'm not sure I've got the patience for constantly being on a date with Victor Meldrew.

It sounds like in person he’s being a bit ‘too cool to care’, maybe as a defence, but that he feels able to be more expressive in texts? Could be issues around boarding school - superficial confidence, air of bravado around things not mattering too much…Maybe he only feels able to be himself through the written word. In days gone by, he might have penned you love poems!

If he write me a love poem, he might win me over 😂

I would speak to him and say his persona is so different in person and in texts and ask him if there was a reason why?

Don't say, "you do this, you do that" etc but " I feel this when you write a lovtely text but when you dismiss my statement eg blue sky, it makes me feel you are not interested "etc Try to dig a little deeper before you ditch.

Yeah, I mean only you can decide what you are and aren't prepared to put up with but if it's bothering you this early on it's probably not worth continuing with. It's not a pleasant characteristic.

If it feels off it is off. Things should flow comfortably at this stage.

That’s not the real him in his messages and the real him makes you feel rubbish about yourself. In the messages that’s how he thinks he should act, maybe even the person he wants to be but it’s not him.
Also is the ex story been proven to be true by others? As someone leaving in the middle of the night is more likely because they’re being abused

It makes me think this kind of thing would be the reality of life for Elizabeth Bennett with Darcy, if they really existed.

The wife leaving in the middle of the night makes me sceptical, too. If she was the boss of that relationship she'd have left in a convenient manner, wouldn't she? Sounds like an escape.

Do you know for sure about his ex? I'd have to challenge him on the way he speaks. Sarcasm and passive aggression kills relationships, if he is speaking to his children like that it will be having a negative affect. If he isn't then it's just you, which shouldn't be ignored.

This sounds like that thing women do to accommodate unpleasant behaviour by men: it must be because he's been hurt/abused/abandoned etc.

Do you give yourself or women this free pass? Do you think it's okay to be regularly weird, abrasive and cold because of past negative experiences?

Seriously, this will wear you down. And what you describe as incredibly thoughtful - buying a bottle of perfume or cooking a meal sounds a bit performative. He gets praise and extra gratitude for doing those things. He gets nothing from just everyday warmth and pleasantness so doesn't bother with those things.

But life is made up far more of everyday discourse rather than big gestures and you will find yourself working harder and harder to make him produce those grandstand moments that you can cling onto to fit into your fantasy of him as a loving, thoughtful person.

Unfortunately I don't think you'll listen to me but at least I've tried.

God sounds like my husband. He is a total Victor Meldrew to live with. Absolutely draining. Yet apparently unaware of how his miserable attitude to life sucks the joy out of everything.

I'd avoid tbh OP.

I read OP post and thought the same.
The wife leaving?! I’d like to hear her side of the story.

Sorry I may have missed this but have you ever confronted him about this difference between in person and text? Is he aware of it? I think many people are more confident to say things over message as you don't see the instant facial reaction of the other person. I think you just need to say it and have it out with him. If he responds negatively or with a grunt then it may not be the relationship for you. Or just accept that's the way he is and the physical affection and gestures are worth it against the cold tone.

When you write, you have time to process, delete and rewrite until what you want to say or what you think you should say sounds “correct” or socially acceptable. When you speak you get one shot.

Messages don’t have the intonation and therefore the same inference(?) that you get with speech either so you will be reading his messages in your own tone of voice, not his.

I’d be inclined to think the in person is the unfiltered version of him @confusedasall and the texting is the filtered. I know for a fact I have different communication styles speaking one to one than messaging and it’s because of this reason. I’m a hot mess speaking to people 😅 I’m better when I have time to think and form what I want to say until it sounds correct.

Well maybe you shouldn't just believe everything he tells you. Like about what happened with the ex-wife for example. People don't usually run away in the middle of the night unless something scared the crap out of them.

Sounds like a knob!!!!