I feel like a total failure

[JulyMume]

i can’t sleep and I’m hoping writing here will help. I feel like a total failure. I feel I’m failing my kids. My kids are primary aged. My eldest is very immature and lacks social skills because of me. I’m on a loveless marriage and financially dependent on my husband as I don’t work. He owns the house and my name is not on the deeds. Truthfully I can live like this because he works away so we rarely see him. Kids FaceTime him every night and adore him. When he’s here we do so much that we’re not in the house. I feel it’s me the issue as he’s gone so I can’t blame him but I have no energy for play dates and I don’t nurture any relationships we might develop with the family of their friends etc. even cousins I rarely see.

I have made my kids socially inept. I’m sat here now upset and unable to sleep because I’m such a loser. I can’t even be normal for a few hours long enough for them to have positive role models in their life. If I was to leave DH their lives would be even more lonely, I know this as I’ve always been like this. Only met and married DH 12 years ago so I cannot blame all my issues on him! I know my life is better with him than without as I had 33 years of life before I even knew him and my life really sucked before him. I’ve never had friends or anyone positive in my life. I used to be embarrassed when I’m early days of dating he wanted to meet my friends as I had no one! How can I get better? I’ve had counselling and therapy and CBT on nhs and privately have forked out thousands over the years it has not helped and I will not waste time trying again. Is there any hope for me?

Have you ever tried an anti-depressant? You sound like you could very well be clinically depressed.

Wow - as a counsellor myself I am really sorry that you've forked out thousands on counselling and yet your self esteem is still very low.

Of course there is hope, you just need to engage with making positive changes.

I don't know what to say to you, because it's late and you are probably tired and upset, and sometimes it's ok to be upset and just feel that way. Your post seems to be a long list of criticisms of yourself- did your therapy and CBT help in any way uncover why you feel so down on yourself or why you have struggled a bit socially (which many people do as we have expectations of how we should be super sociable all the time)? What would your therapist tell you to do right now? Perhaps to be kinder to yourself?

Thank you all. I had a very traumatic childhood which I feel gets worse the more I talk about it. That’s why therapy was awful for me I just felt I spoke about it and then was told times up see you next week! And I spent an entire week thinking about it and then therapy again. I felt it was torture but I kept going every time. Even CBT I felt I was going through the motions and not really believing it when I had to put a other spin on my automatic thoughts. Truthfully I got more out of calling the smaritans than I ever did with therapy.

I did try antidepressants- serotaxt or something and a few others but I felt awful. I felt numb too and remember my youngest who was just a baby at the time crying and I couldn’t even pick him up as I felt tingly and dizzy. I also I’m ashamed to say didn’t care if he was crying if that makes sense. I had to get off them and I’m glad I did. I don’t want to feel like that again. I was on the lowest dose too doctor said.

I was thinking you probably had a bad childhood from the way you were running yourself down- I'm guessing that you weren't treated well and that stuck with you.

I don't know whether you would be open to trying another antidepressant, there's more than one and a different one may just give you a bit of a lift for 6 months or a year and then you would be up and running again.

It also sounds like you are giving your children a much much better life than you had as a child. Not perfect, no-one is perfect, but I bet you are a pretty good mum (plus you are worrying you aren't good which is a sign you are thinking carefully about what you say and do around them). You haven't ruined their social skills- I know lots of outgoing children with quite introverted parents who are quite different, so to some extent, these things are learned, but it's also quite inbuilt if we are outgoing.

I do think that getting more support for yourself, even if it is the Samaritans (who are very nice, I agree) would be good- whether that be GP, work counselling or whatever. I would also chat with the GP about antidepressants, it's not ideal to feel 'numb' but you don't feel great right now either- I don't want to push this though as it's up to you.

You sound like a lovely person who has had a very hard start in life- and is continuing to be hard on themselves. I am not always kind to myself- it is important though, however you get there.

I could have written this post. I feel my son is behind socially because of me and I don't make an effort to maintain relationships. I find relationship s stressful and feel more comfortable alone. I believe I have an avoidant personality disorder although never diagnoised. You are a better mum than you think as you wouldn't blame yourself if you didn't care. Try to be kind and compassionate to yourself and think of all the things you do good and focus on them.

You're not a loser. Being at home with kids does drag down your self esteem and I think that most SAHMs have bad days like this. I do.

My advice is to get out and do something else, maybe a job, study, sport or volunteer commitment. Something out, away from the kids ideally. Then you will see that you're a good person and capable. You need to distract yourself from your own mind.

Have you considered art (and/or music?) as a means of 'therapy'? This could also benefit your children, i.e. you could - instead of forcing yourself to go on endless play dates - do artwork with them.

There are also lots of art groups on YouTube where artists and others who are interested in art get together online. Maybe such groups could be a 'safe' way for you to interact with others.

You don't have to be an accomplished artist to do art!! Look at some abstract expressionists online or in books from the library. All you need is a basic set of acrylics, a few brushes a day a pad of art paper. It's a lot of fun and very absorbing!

OP, I don't believe you can have 'made' your DC socially inept. It is possible that they could be neurodivergent which might cause them to struggle socially. It's often genetic and reading your post makes me wonder if that's your issue. Many similarities with myself and others I know. Therapy often has isn't effective for ND people, issues with friendships and isolation, late developers etc. Look carefully at some of the criteria for women ASD and ADHD, it likely isn't what you think it is.

I hope you find an answer. If you are ND, the knowledge and self acceptance alone can be a wonderful thing - just knowing you're not broken. Best of luck.

You speak of your loneliness and I imagine how being alone with parenting feels even more isolating as you are the one supposed to support your children and yet you are also longing for support for yourself. It sounds very painful, I am sorry… AND getting better is possible. I speak as a therapist, but have been a client for years too. I recently read that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but hope.
I believe in the power of what we may perceive as small changes as they function as a domino effect. You mention not being so comfortable socializing and blaming yourself for it. If you have had a traumatic childhood, reaching out for contact would be very challenging. I feel compassion for you as I have seen how hard it can be to function in a world that may feel unsafe and for which you may feel ill equipped.
Be understanding of this being difficult for you not because it is your fault, but because of the cards you have been dealt with from the start. Self compassion is so very important…perhaps I would look into finding a new therapist who can work with you on healing the child who was hurt and let down.
And then you may want to try some form of “small socialisation”, even just stretching out an impromptu short conversation at the bus stop or at the shops. Be proud of each “small”achievement and build up a new hope that you can and will feel better. I wish you all the best.

Thank you everyone. I had an awful night last night thinking and not being able to sleep.

yesterday I messaged some of my neighbours and kids friends mums who I like and asked to meet up for a walk etc. one messaged to say it will be nice and she’ll let me know but others haven’t messaged.

I moved into my neighbourhood a year and half ago and I find them quite cold and distant. I’ve really tried but I just feel no one really has room for new people.

OP, regarding your traumatic childhood; you were probably not getting the right therapy. CBT isn't really the best approach for that. You need a trauma informed approach. EMDR might help you. You can even get a phone app to do it yourself. Also, binaural beats, which are the auditory equivalent of EMDR. You can find videos for it on YouTube.
Have you ever tried meditation? That helps a lot of people. Don't forget to get some exercise to help lift your mood. The walks with neighbours sound like a great idea. However, don't wait on them. Do it by yourself if you don't have anyone to walk with. If people see you out and about in the neighborhood, you can often strike up conversations that way.
What about getting a dog? You will have a loving friend for company, plus it's a great way to meet people when you are out walking the dog. That's how I met all the people I know in my neighborhood. You stop to let the dogs say hello to each other and have a bit of a chat.

Anyway, I hope you find something that works for you. 🩷

@XChrome thank you I’ll look into that. I live in London and I feel people don’t really say hello. I always say hello but it’s just really awkward as I get scowled at a lot but I say to myself it’s their problem not mine.

I'm glad you're feeling better, OP. Its not easy making friends when you've got kids. Everyone is so busy! You have to make do with snatches of convo here and there. That was my friendship substitute for years. It gets better as they get older ime.

Sport is a good way to make friends.

You are not a failure OP. You're struggling, and that makes you human.

Why do you think your child's immaturity and poor social skills are because of you? It sounds like you are doing your best to mix with other children, he goes to school, no reports of concerns?
Why are you not working? Are you unable to do to health or anxiety? Lack of routine and stimulation is bound to make you feel depressed and worthless. is there nothing that you could do, even part time to give you a bit of identity? I also agree with @Morningsiesta, sport is a good way to get you out and raise endorphins (few of us have finished a session feeling worse than when we started).