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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Relocating with partner

28 replies

millibarnes · 23/07/2024 22:27

I'm currently 4 months pregnant and for about 2 months my partner has been talking about relocating. I currently have my own apartment and I live near my family. I have told my partner that I do not want to move out of state but he keeps being up reasons as to why we should. All of his reasons are because he wants me away from my family. Now my family is not as bad as he tries to make it seem. If I'm in a position to help I help my mother, brother or sister and he thinks relocating would stop them from asking for help.

I do not mind helping and it's never anything big. Maybe someone needs a ride to work, or wants to use my laundry room because theirs is not working. These things do not bother me and I also live alone. He only comes down to visit. So I don't understand why he gets so irritated when I have family or friends come over. Where he wants us to move is closer to his job which is understandable but I would be relocating from my job to a different area which is not that difficult. But we'll be closer to his family who I do not talk to that often. So there will be many times I may have to call his mother to help instead of my own. His mother treats him like a child and I will not and because I have told her that she doesn't talk to me.

I don't want to call someone who doesn't speak to me to help when I close to my family who will not complied I need help. I have asked him if he can relocate to the city I'm in and he simply does not want to do it. This is something we need to be on the same page about. And what's crazy is before we found out we were pregnant the plan was to move in my city now he wants to do something different and when I voice my opinion he brushes it off.

I don't want to move I'm away from my family. And I don't want to go through with this pregnancy without my family. Since I told my family they have been nothing but supportive he has not even said a word to his family.

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 23/07/2024 22:29

Definitely do not move away.

pawpatrolrider · 23/07/2024 22:31

Do not move away from your family. You can’t imagine the help you will need having a new born. I always tell women don’t leave your family, they are who you will want and need when you have the baby and the toddler years. You already don’t get on with his family - you will isolate yourself from your support network if you move away

ThatTealViewer · 23/07/2024 22:32

There is zero benefit to you moving and you do don’t want to, so don’t.

How long have you been with your ‘partner’ and what’s your relationship like? As he’s not sounding great, based on this post.

PaminaMozart · 23/07/2024 22:37

Whatever you do, don't move.

However, I'm wondering why have chosen this man to be the father of your child. You don't seem on the same page at all! Does he even want to have a child with you?

To be frank, I'd rethink the entire relationship and consider whether you want to actually have a child with him. If it's not too late...

millibarnes · 23/07/2024 22:38

ThatTealViewer · 23/07/2024 22:32

There is zero benefit to you moving and you do don’t want to, so don’t.

How long have you been with your ‘partner’ and what’s your relationship like? As he’s not sounding great, based on this post.

3 years we've been together. we hit a rough patch a year ago because he was not contributing to bills or cleaning and during that time is when I told him I'm not his mother and I will not baby him and his mom did not like that I said that. Things have changed and we're doing better.

OP posts:
millibarnes · 23/07/2024 22:40

PaminaMozart · 23/07/2024 22:37

Whatever you do, don't move.

However, I'm wondering why have chosen this man to be the father of your child. You don't seem on the same page at all! Does he even want to have a child with you?

To be frank, I'd rethink the entire relationship and consider whether you want to actually have a child with him. If it's not too late...

He says he's excited but I think I am more excited than he is. I figured he would tell the people closest to him but no one knows which makes me think other wise.

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 23/07/2024 22:44

Don't even consider doing this OP. You're currently not even living together, and he expects you to up sticks, and move away from your family, just as you're about to have your first child. In your shoes if it's not too late, I would seriously consider whether this is the right time for you to even have a child, but if too late, I would be planning on being a single parent. This guy is a complete waste of space, he's a Mummy's boy, and wants to isolate you from your family, complete with a baby on your hands so that you have no escape. You'd be mad to settle for this! RED FLAGS all the way in my opinion!

Mmhmmn · 23/07/2024 22:47

Do not move OP. This is red flag city, men who want to move you away from your family. Plus baby arrival is exactly when you’ll want them around.

Mmhmmn · 23/07/2024 22:54

I read someone’s comment on here ages ago in a similar post that really resonated with me and helped me with not moving away from my family to go closer to his.

It said something like ‘relationships in which the guy wants to move you away from your mum never work out’.

And I thought shit yeah, and there’s a reason for that. Because they’re thinking of themselves and often of pleasing their own mother, and it isolates you and leaves you without your support network which you need because such men are shit heads. But especially those who are mummy’s boys. You’ll never be the priority.

Don’t move! If he’s at all worth it he’ll stay where you are.

Noseybookworm · 23/07/2024 23:02

Tell him if he wants to move he can go ahead and do it. You need to stay near your family, you will need them around when the baby comes. If he's trying to isolate you from your family, that's concerning. If he loves you, he will stay near you and be around for his child. If he goes, that tells you everything you need to know about him.

idkbroidk · 23/07/2024 23:22

why is he trying to isolate you from your family? i would be very worried

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/07/2024 23:25

Don't move. Stay where you have a proper safety net. It is not in your best interests or your child's best interests to move.

Overtired345 · 23/07/2024 23:39

Do not move. He wants to isolate you from your family at your most vulnerable time of your entire life. I have never needed or wanted my family's support more than when I was pregnant and post partum.

Note statistically abuse(emotional or physical) tends to begin or ramp up in pregnancy. Your spidey senses are telling you something.

millibarnes · 23/07/2024 23:41

idkbroidk · 23/07/2024 23:22

why is he trying to isolate you from your family? i would be very worried

It kinda feels like he gets annoyed when I help my family out. And it's never big things. If they need to wash clothes or are in the neighborhood and just wanna sit in ok with that. He wants me to be far away where they can't just stop by. That last sentence is his words.

OP posts:
millibarnes · 23/07/2024 23:44

I have read all the responses and tonight I will be sitting with him to discuss not moving at all. At first I thought I was being unreasonable, but I'm comfortable here and I have an amazing supportive family. If I'm away I do not know what that life will look like for me or our daughter.

OP posts:
millibarnes · 23/07/2024 23:44

Thank you all for the responses❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
SweetFemaleAttitude · 23/07/2024 23:51

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SweetFemaleAttitude · 23/07/2024 23:52

Posted that before your update. Glad to see you are not moving ♥️

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 24/07/2024 00:08

DON'T let him persuade you with sweet words, and loving gestures when you talk to him OP, he's trying to isolate you, and that is NEVER a good thing!

PaminaMozart · 24/07/2024 00:11

'Discuss' sounds to wishy-washy.

You want to be clear about your plans and priorities.

Don't let him sweet-talk you into moving or otherwise compromising on anything that is vital to you and your child's well-being.

millibarnes · 24/07/2024 00:21

PaminaMozart · 24/07/2024 00:11

'Discuss' sounds to wishy-washy.

You want to be clear about your plans and priorities.

Don't let him sweet-talk you into moving or otherwise compromising on anything that is vital to you and your child's well-being.

I agree I will have to put my foot down because this is not a conversation I want to keep having because he thinks it's the best thing.

OP posts:
Doingtheboxerbeat · 24/07/2024 00:59

Based on all the information that you now have , maybe make a list of all the pros and cons in case he tries to talk you into prioritising his own needs over yours - I'm guessing he probably hasn't made this list himself so you have better ammunition.

His reasons for wanting to leave sound so petty and inconsequential compared to your need to stay.

buidhe · 24/07/2024 03:26

You are the mum and you will bear the brunt of looking after a small baby. So you need your family and friends at hand. If you move, then change your mind, you may find it difficult to move back when the baby is established as living elsewhere, as the other parent he may be able to argue that you stay close or facilitate travel arrangements to suit him - check out how this would be settled where you live.

Stay firm and do what is best for you and baby. That likely means not moving.

Ponderingwindow · 24/07/2024 03:55

Wherever you live with the baby in the beginning will set the precedent for child residence and coparenting.

do not move because it may be hard to move back.

you aren’t married. You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. This man may be the father of your child, but he needs to make some effort to be involved. You are the one growing a baby. You are the one who is going to miss work.

has he offered to help finance your maternity leave?

have the two of you talked about what kind of child care you are going to use? Is he prepared to pay half?

does he even realize that asking you to move while pregnant is an unreasonable expense?

millibarnes · 24/07/2024 09:28

Ponderingwindow · 24/07/2024 03:55

Wherever you live with the baby in the beginning will set the precedent for child residence and coparenting.

do not move because it may be hard to move back.

you aren’t married. You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. This man may be the father of your child, but he needs to make some effort to be involved. You are the one growing a baby. You are the one who is going to miss work.

has he offered to help finance your maternity leave?

have the two of you talked about what kind of child care you are going to use? Is he prepared to pay half?

does he even realize that asking you to move while pregnant is an unreasonable expense?

He has offered to pick up extra shifts at work. I have a WFH position so baby will be home with me.

OP posts: