Does anyone else feel like this?

[JulyMume]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. When I’m alone with my kids I’m happy but I feel I’m stunting their development by not having social interactions so I arranged a playdate for today but even though it went really well and my eldest had a fantastic time and was really happy I feel flat and upset. I’ve just eaten away my feelings by stuffing my face whereas I managed to eat very healthy since Friday (my children broke up from school on Friday). I feel like a failure. I often feel like this. Had another playdate last Sunday and again felt like this. What is wrong with me? I feel so lonely all the time but then feel worse after meeting up with people. Funny enough I just texted 2 other different parents to arrange a walk this week with the kids! I keep looking at my phone as they haven’t replied and feel really down. What the hell is the name of this condition I have as it’s wrecking my life and will in turn turn my kids into some weirdos! Please help me. I’m feeling incredibly low.

Sorry to hear this, OP 🌺 You sound like a fantastic mum who has really got your kids’ best interests at heart. I hope you’re proud of that ❤️ Do you do anything just for you, away from your kids? And have you thought about counselling or therapy at all? That might help you make sense of what you’re feeling and why. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down.

@Acapulco12 thank you x

ive had therapy lots of times for my childhood trauma but honestly it’s never helped. I went along and did everything every therapist said but I don’t think therapy works for everyone

When I had post natal depression, I could just about survive at home during the day, was fine when DH came home.I enjoyed going out to a mother/baby thing - but when I came home I felt completely empty and flat.

@MereDintofPandiculation thats how I feel and have felt for a while now. Sorry to hear this. How are things now? If better how did you get better?

My kids are 5 and 8. I’ve just never felt I belonged anywhere. I don’t feel I fit in anywhere.

There are two conflicting statements here...........

When I’m alone with my kids I’m happy

and
I feel so lonely all the time but then feel worse after meeting up with people

When I’m alone with my kids I’m happy there's absolutely nothing wrong with this. You're happy being with who you want to be with and don't need anyone else to make that happiness for you and I'm sure your children are happy being with you.

but I feel I’m stunting their development by not having social interactions - how old are your children?
I very much doubt you're stunting their development - children have plenty of time to develop relationships and social skills with others at nursery and at school.

You're developing strong relationship values with them now and that's a good thing - there's a lot of pressure nowadays to 'socialise' children and 'develop their skills', when in fact children can be quite happy developing relationship skills( if you want to put it in those terms) just within the family.

I feel so lonely all the time but then feel worse after meeting up with people Do you actually feel lonely, or do you feel that you should be meeting up with other people?

There's a big difference - childcare and societal expectations have changed so much over the last years because of the pressures that working parents face.

If you and your children are happy now then carry on, because your children aren't missing out in any way.

If you're not happy tho' for reasons other than the 'not really enjoying playdates with other parents' then that needs to be addressed ? x

Just seen your update My kids are 5 and 8. I’ve just never felt I belonged anywhere. I don’t feel I fit in anywhere.

Some of us feel like this - and just have to make our own space in life being who we are. Be comfortable being you :)

Your children will tell you if they need 'more' e.g. to invite friends over or to have a playdate etc and you'll find that if you let it all happen naturally and gradually, you'll grow to be more comfortable with everything.

Children are easy to be with - adults not so much.

So just let it all happen in its own time and not try and force it - it puts pressures on you that you just dont need!

Believe you me, your children will be fine as long as they know their mum loves them :)

@ilovemyspace thank you! Love your username btw. You are so right. I know this might sound odd but I find it hard to put my feelings into words but I think I do feel as you said pressure in terms of what’s expected.

im still thinking of how weird I am!

Why would you think you're weird?? In what way? - weirder than everyone else?? ...............

Ok, your past history has made you look at life the way you do - but that 's true of us all. So we're all pretty weird by that definition ............

As they say these days ' you do you ' 😊

Because it sounds like your children are the most important thing in the world to you and that sounds pretty normal to me! - try not to worry about the rest of it, because it'll all fall into place if you just let it (honestly, it will!) xx

Is it anxiety/depression. I get this after interacting with people or after contacting people and waiting for response. Do you go over what you said in your mind and worry what the other people thought of you. Do you imagine them gossiping about you after the playdate. Social anxiety means it's hard to be social because you feel like you are being judged and people will find you lacking so going out feels like a huge stressful pressurised event that is supposed to be enjoyable but that you have to force yourself to do.

Waiting for others to respond makes you anxious because the longer they take the more you feel unwanted, rejected, like a loser who nobody likes.

Feeling like you don't fit in anywhere is a sign of depression/anxiety too.

I've struggled to read self help books in the past but one author I do like and find helpful is Beverly Engel. I just read 'it's not your fault' and how childhood abuse gives us lots of toxic shame. The author was a victim of sexual abuse and whilst I did not suffer that type of abuse I found her books really easy to read and very useful. Could it something along those lines (ie toxic shame that you are feeling)

Anyway it's crap I know but please know that you are not alone. I'm an emotional eater too! Years of emotional abuse/cruelty growing up with mother who had borderline personality and depressed enabled father.

Thavk you all. @TheRiddle that sounds exactly like me

It just passed eventually. Going back to work (which I did early) helped enormously. I've had later bouts of depression, worst one I took anti-depressants which got me to a state where I could start to do something about it. Now I recognise the first signs (usually finding excuses not to socialise) and act before I've slipped too far down - don't listen to my excuses and make myself socialise, tell myself it's like a cold and will go eventually. And I make a positive effort to keep a social network going, mainly, because this is what''s easier for me, taking committee roles in voluntary and community groups, which gets me into the thick of things without having to make small talk. Made good friends that way.

I didn't enjoy babyhood. Every other age of DC has been a big improvement.

I used to feel a freak, at school and uni. Took two goes at getting a decent life partner - second one likes me (first one just "loved" me), thinks I'm a good, clever and capable person, that gives me confidence to go out into the world more. Now I still feel I don't fit in in a lot of places but I've also found a lot of other people who don't fit in. Remember, the things which are valuable in you are the things where you are different, not the things where you're just like everyone else.