To want to find out the real truth?

[deadlyDNA]

My DH was adopted. It was the central thing that everything in his life revolved around. All he ever wanted was to find out who he was before he was adopted. To find blood relatives. It was an uphill battle trying to access adoption records in Ireland, until the massive change 2022. DH was so hopeful about finding answer, but there was a massive backlog as so many people were also able to access this information for the first time too. Late last year he finally got his records. He finally knew the name of his birth mother and where he was born. Unfortunately, a week later he suddenly died! He had waited 55 years to know the truth and now he was gone.

I didn't want that to be the end of his story. I still wanted him to be remembered. I took up the search for his biological family. Our adult DC took DNA tests and we were completely opened up to a whole new world on DNA sites. Now we had his BM name, and DNA matches (albeit mostly quite distant) I've been building a family tree. I was able to apply for birth certs and adoption certs and slowly see a larger picture of who he was and where he was from.

I have no concrete idea who his birth father is, but I saw that his BM was married less than a year later and had a further 4 children in the 5 years after his birth. I am wondering if her DH was also his father. Unfortunately his BM died almost 2 decades ago so I can't ask her any questions, and the few distant cousins that I have reached out to but have no idea that she had a child adopted. They were actually quite shocked.

I have carried on my research and hope to fill in some of the blanks so our DC will know something about their heritage. I fear I have uncovered something perhaps a bit sensitive. It all comes back to the mother and baby homes in Ireland, where they took in pregnant girls, took their babies away from them as a punishment for being an unwed mother and sold them to wealthy families! From what I have found, I believe this is how DH started his life.

It's not the scenario we were hoping to find, but it is what it is. During my research I have managed to trace a wider family tree for his BM and a lot of these are on social media and would be quite easy to contact.

My question is: AIBU - should I keep the information I have, share it with my DC and move on from it know we will never get to the bottom of it.

Or AINBU and I reach out to his BM family and tell them all about my DH and the truth about where he was born.

I've spent weeks think about this and I don't know to do. Do I let them continue their lives, never knowing about their brother, niece and nephew? Or do I disrupt their reality and tell them the whole story so we can find out the truth and see if we can find his birth father?

I would personally not contact the family in this situation. What's the point?

I would reach out to them yes, but respect their decision if they don’t want contact.

I would reach out tentatively because your children are the relatives of these people and they might want some contact/a relationship and it may help your DC better understand their past and meet some members of their family.

However, don’t push it and if they aren’t interested you have to let it go and respect their decision.

I think you should leave it and let sleeping dogs lay.

The mother is deceased. He is deceased. I don't think it really has any benefits to anyone and I don't think it's particularly any of your business to be poking around in.

I say that as an adoptee.

If your children want to trace their DNA and their blood ancestry, then that's up to them and would be different to you doing it.

I completely understand if you’d rather not go down this route - and it sounds like you don’t really need to - but have you ever considered applying for a programme like Long-Lost Families?

I’m suggesting them as an option, as they have access to specialist staff working in genealogy, so it’s likely they’ll be able to help you fill in some of the remaining blanks on this.

You have done a brilliant job to get as far as you have on this though - especially given the horrible circumstances you’ve faced 🌺 🌺

I agree with this.

I think you could carry on finding out the information, it's the route your DH would have trod.

But on balance, I would leave it to your children to make contact, if they want to.

Mother & Son are both dead. I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Suppose you did contact DH's half/full siblings.
"Did you know you had an older brother? By the way, he's dead" seems pointless & probably upsetting.

You may well be right about yet another event in the Mother and Baby Homes era. If you have had contact with distant cousins the grapevine may well have passed on the information. Or some of his closer living relatives already know.

I think it’s up to your children whether they do anything now.

If your children ever put their DNA details on an online database though in time someone will probably contact them.

I really think you need to let this go. You could potentially cause a great deal of upset in innocent people's lives, leaving them no way in which to gain answers because all of the main people involved are dead.

I think you should reach out. You may actually find them very accommodating and wanting to connect with blood relatives

I think you should carry on, find and document as much as you can.
Do you know the 'Home' where he was born/taken/sold/adopted?
There may be someone who is researching that. There may be someone from that Dioceses who you could contact to fill in some gaps. They might be the mediator to contact others of the family.
An outsider, more neutral would be better than you making direct contact I suggest.
My Best Wishes.

I’d persue slightly further as well as the history and social politics of the time.
I think it’s helpful for younger generations to have family stories like this to better appreciate our changing society.
Are you finding solace in the research though? It should be enjoyable vs a burden.

Let your dh's name be known imo. I wish I had uncovered some unknown relations. Presumably they are all adults? Surely able to deal with fact?

Personally I'd not pursue it as there was a great deal of shame for unwed mothers. Her family very likely didn't know as his mother would have been sent away.
It could stir up things and as someone else pointed out your husband passed away
Let sleeping dogs lie

I'd have gone through a professional intermediary. This is all very sensitive and you're not even the person that was adopted.

Thank you for your replies. It has given me a lot to think about!

To answer some questions -

DC have their DNA on a database now so if anyone from their biological family were searching they would be there and we could then answer questions.

We had considered contacting Long Lost Families, but thought it would be better not to announce it to the whole world and keep in the family.

DH did not have a great time growing up. His adopted parents told him that they didn't know anything about his life before he was with them and they didn't know his birth name. It turns out that he wasn't actually adopted by them until he was 5 years old as they were too young to official adopt him.

There is 5 years worth of paperwork between them and social services which clearly had all the information about who he was, where he was born and the name of his mother. It even stated that his adopted mother went to said mother and baby home looking for a child.

His adopted parent passed away some years ago, but DH didn't really have a good relationship with them or the extended family. DH was estranged from his family and even moved to a different country to keep away from them. He never felt truly accepted in their lives. He wanted to find his real family!

There is a lot of information about his mother and baby unit and the name of the priest who orchestrated everything. I have read so many articles and watched many news clips, documentaries and even movies about the whole scandal. I have found evidence that this priest was involved with the family of the guy I believe is his birth father.

MY DC are interested to know about their biological family, but not desperate for huge family reunions. I think for now that I will keep going with the research and put all evidence in a file for them so they can see the family tree and know the little village in Ireland their father came from, but I'll hold back on reaching out to anyone for now.