My 77 year old sort of uncle has recently got back in touch with me after my aunt died. He's not really an uncle as my aunt was my real blood related uncle's ex wife, so this one is her second husband. Anyway, not sure if it's relevant really but just background. Anyway, I've known him since I was a child and he's always been normal and I've just regarded him as an uncle. He's clearly very lonely since my aunt died two years ago and since getting in contact with me a few months ago has messaged and emailed me quite a lot. My aunt had got dementia so I hadn't seen her or them for 10 years because she became very nasty when I had my first child (now know it was the early dementia) but I coudn't risk my son around her so I did not stay in touch with her. I've never regretted that decision as she was so terrible and I wasn't blood related and she has plenty of other family of her own, although no children.
SO, we have had a lot to catch up on me and this sort-of-uncle. Anyway, back to the question. Some of the messages have had a lot of sexual innuendo in them, telling me to put on a bikini when I say I've got to go as got to clean or something like that. I am very straightforward person and always say something when someone says something like this to me. So, I have said things like "It's 2024, its not appropriate to say things like that anymore".
I've had quite a time of it myself in the last 10 years, experiencing an abusive relationship, and having to leave the family home because of it. I am still going through the family court with it and its been very stressful. I've managed though, and feel like I'm finally getting my life back. Since my uncle getting back in touch with me this year, there has been a resurfacing of post separation abuse from my ex and an escalation in court appearances etc. My sort-of-uncle has asked a lot about this, and the couple of times I've seen him before this last weekend have been fine, he's asked a lot of questions, we've chatted and I've shared personal information, he has too about what seems to have been quite an abusive relationship he had from my aunt, especially in the last dementia years. He also leant me some money, I didn't ask for it, he offered and I said no for quite a while but as it was going to help get the ex of my back quicker I took him up on it with the agreement of paying it back asap, which is in a few months, and I intend to add interest.
Unfortunately, we've just been to visit - the first time since he leant me the money 6 weeks ago, and it seems like he feels that now he's done that I seem to owe him something if you know what I mean.... I've never had this experience before with an older relative and am completly stumped at what to do. All of my own family have died, and so I don't have anyone to ask. This visit he started sort of taking the piss out of me for my comment about it being 2024 and it was inappropriate to make dirty comments to women, and I just said yes it is. Then he was like "Oh poor me, I'm in trouble with mummy/teacher..." blah blah - it was so uncomforable and sickening really. He kept on bringing it up, I didn't. Then he started trying to grab me, and last night when I was washing up he came up behind me and put his arm around my waist and then slid it down, all the while going "You must tell me how much the supermarket shop was I will pay you back" - I froze, then moved out of the way quickly, and he then sort of said in a patronising voice "You're just like X" his wife who died...(turned out she didn't want to be close with him for much of their relationship). ANYWAY, as i'm writing this I'm realising how much I've been affected by this - is that normal do you think? I've literally never been hit on by an old man, I mean proper old man, I am 53 and it makes my skin crawl to be honest.
There was a power cut last night so thankfully when children went to bed I did too to keep them company. But then this morning, as soon as the children went outside he started talking about it AGAIN. Going, "Why are you upset with me?" even though i'd been polite and had not shown any anger or anything. Tbh it felt like being back in my abusive relationship where he'd flip out and then challenge me if i showed a flicker of reaction to it....I just said, "Look I don't think you would speak to your other nieces like that so I just don't understand why you would do it to me, and why you think it is ok" he then took the piss yet again not taking any responsibilty and saying "I'm an old man, its just my generation, don't know why you're so upset", and so I did get pretty adamant and said "You know I've been in an abusive relationship and so there was not a lot of respect flying around, and you know I am alone without family so I don't feel comfortable with this sexual innuendo the whole time and I think that is ok to say, especially if you ask me, its just not respectful". He then said stuff like "Well I'm sorry you're overreacting, that you're cross at me..." etc etc... Anyway, we left soon after that instead of this evening, I just made an excuse that the kids wanted to get home and there wasn't any power which was making it hard, we were all smiles and I bought him coffee at the station so we didn't leave on bad terms but it was awkward and uncomforable, AND he still touched my knee in the car which I reacted to and then he put his hand on my breast and pretended it was an accident because I'd pushed his hand away, all with my boys in the back!!!
Not sure if Im really asking if I'm being unreasonable as I know I'm not, I suppose i want to know is there any chance I have overreacted because of the domestic abuse I've experienced, that's more my question I think. I didn't sleep last night as I was so shaken by it. I feel really sad as it was nice to be back in touch, where he lives is a place I've know all my life, before he was on the scene so it feels like home to me and I have nice memories. My kids like being there, and had liked him before this too, but I sensed they picked up on his weird behaviour too so they seemed to be relieved to be home. I don't know, has anyone else experienced this? I feel really sad. Obviously I will pay him the money back asap, he also kept on saying I didn't need to, but I always intended too and definitely will as I pay my way always. I guess it was just nice having a bit of family back for a while, chatting about the olden days, and especially after everything I've been through as the abuse happened after my family died. But deep breaths, it's not right is it? Why do old men do this? I have been wondering too, what's wrong with me that he thought it was ok? I didnt see him doing this to his neighbour who is the same age as me, but has a husband. Is it because i'm single, is it because im friendly and have been supportive and listening and trying to help him with getting back on his feet as he's been grieving a lot at the year anniversary of my aunts death. Can anyone explain to me why he did this, what could I have done differently to stop this from happening? I won't go back, which is a bit sad, especially for my kids as they don't have granparents so this was the closest they had ever had and they did love being there but I can't do it at my expense can I? I feel really disrespected and upset and like there's a really bad taste in my mouth I can't get rid of. I feel deflated and sad. Anyway, interested in the Mumsnetters thoughts, I wonder what your take is on this?